Mourning someone who has not died: what is family estrangement and how to deal with it?

“I am estranged from my family,” says Violetta Fernandez, a Latina therapist from Texas.

“It started in 2018, when I wanted to set healthy limits for my parents: they reacted badly and ended their relationship with me,” she says.

It was the day after Christmas, she was 39 years old.

He tried to contact his mother, but she would respond to him minimally or not at all.

It was like that for eight or nine months, until his mother passed away after being seriously ill with cirrhosis.

But she was already grieving for her mother, she clarifies immediately.

“When we go through a family estrangement, there is what we call

, ”explains the specialist in therapy and mental health.

She has not spoken to her father again, nor to her two brothers.

Violetta Fernandez has been estranged from her family for more than four years.

Courtesy Violetta Fernandez

The estrangement or family rupture (

, in English) that Fernandez mentions is a relatively new term for something that has existed since long ago: the total or partial severing of the bond with a loved one.

The trigger is a history of abuse or neglect or differences in values ​​and life decisions (in politics, religion, or sexual identity).

Some don't speak to each other for years or decades;

others,

they are in a cycle of moving away and coming closer. 

It's a breakup that carries guilt and stigma, experts say, even though it may be the healthier option and happens more often than you think.

"It's a widespread problem hiding in plain sight," said Karl Pillemer, a professor at Weill Cornell Medicine, who conducted the country's first large-scale survey of the issue.

The result: At least

reported experiencing family estrangement.

“I used to feel like I was the only one,” says Fernandez, but after she specialized and decided to share her story on social media, she discovered that it was

, and even more so in the LGBTQ community, she adds.

Now, he helps other Latinos who are going through the same thing.

In dialogue with Telemundo News, he tells his story and gives key guidelines for those who are far from their loved ones.

Being estranged from a loved one

• uncomfortable emotions.

  Guilt, shame, and sorrow are common feelings, especially on special dates (such as birthdays or holidays).

  Fernandez recommends doing activities that relax, such as breathing exercises;

  and express emotions, speaking or writing about them.

• New traditions and hobbies.

  “They bring peace and joy,” says the therapist.

  Parts of familiar customs, such as decorations or food, can be included or recreated, or something new invented, as distancing is an opportunity to explore.

  “You can be as creative as you want,” says the therapist, who has made a

  Gothsgiving

  for Thanksgiving (with a gothic theme) and makes decorations for her friends.

• The chosen family

  “Spend more time with people you trust and feel safe with,” she adds.

  It is the community that is chosen, more aligned with our values.

• Pauses and limits.

  Rest is key, particularly on special dates.

  “Taking breaks from work, school and obligations, which means learning to say no to certain people or setting limits with the time you share,” he explains.

• If they decide or have to connect in a toxic relationship, for example at a family event, she recommends "

  creating a safety and exit plan

  ," which may include limiting the topics to talk about (such as only talking about pets and work) and the shared time;

  and have someone who can accompany or assist.

  “Safety is the most important thing,” she says.

Without a soap

opera rudeness

Although a big fight can mark the end of a mother or father's relationship with their children, or between cousins ​​or other relatives, family estrangement is not the result of a single soap opera act, experts say, but rather it develops over

. time.

Fernandez says that she spent years in abusive situations on the part of her father, who shielded herself with respect for

the family, without reacting.

“

,” she says, “that's when I started noticing things that I didn't feel comfortable with.”

When her mother became ill with cirrhosis, she began to ask questions and set healthy boundaries: "I was worried about his mental health, how my dad talked to him, what he did."

[Increasing access to key mental health services for Latinos and Spanish-speakers]

His parents didn't take it well: "If you grow up in a very abusive home,

my father's control over the family."

That's when they "discarded" her in an "immediate reaction, like just 'we won't have a relationship with you anymore.'" 

Violetta Fernandez shares her new traditions to deal with family estrangement.

The therapist, now 43, has taken her story to Instagram and TikTok, talking about her pain and grief, and also how she reinvents herself and creates traditions, like her Ghost Giving, to help

.

And she has realized that she is not alone: ​​there are many more stories like hers and she can build a new community.

"You will be submissive, you will do what you are told"

"It happens to me with my mom: I feel guilty every time I set a limit or set a distance," a user tells Fernandez.

"Yes, it is the most common emotion in these cases," the therapist replies: "You are unlearning years of manipulation." 

One of the main factors in estrangement is a history of childhood abuse or neglect, experts say, or

," as academic Karl Pillemer calls it.

It is an accumulation of “very adverse experiences, including harsh discipline, parental favoritism, or even verbal or physical abuse.”

Some families, on the other hand, provide everything, explains Fernandez, but to the point of authoritarianism.

“If you neglect that child's need for autonomy, for his own identity, he can feel overwhelmed and controlled,” he says.

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Violetta belongs to a Mexican-American family, her mother immigrated from Monterrey and her father is Texan, and she has suffered from

, she says, a Hispanic tradition (related to the belief in the Virgin Mary as a model) that imposes a role on women of sacrifice, chastity, accepting machismo. 

"You will be submissive, you will do what you are told, you will not question authority," she defines.

After their breakup, she researched and found terms such as

for people like her,

, and who choose to keep that distance.

A decision, experts agree, key to mental health.

A study by Stand Alone and the Cambridge University Family Research Center even found that more than 80% of 807 people surveyed said that taking distance had positive results such as feeling

. 

“I can be myself, accept and love myself unconditionally,” said a 43-year-old interviewee. 

Challenging breeds hostility

“Parents, caregivers, and families have certain expectations and obligations that they expect from their loved ones,” Fernandez explains, “and when they are not met or if their beliefs and values ​​are challenged, they can become hostile.” 

It refers to the second main trigger for breakups: differences in beliefs and values ​​in adulthood, in religion and politics, yes, such as whether or not to support former President Donald Trump, but also in life decisions, from the choice of the couple until an abortion is performed.

A study with 561 families, including 64 in which mothers were estranged from at least one child from 2015, showed how deeply held values ​​were very important to them.

For example,

from her because she was upset that he divorced and remarried, says Megan Gilligan, co-author of the study with Jill Suitor and Karl Pillemer.

"Contrary to what we expected, we found that behaviors against social norms, such as substance abuse or crime, were substantially less likely to lead to estrangement," Gilligan remarks, "than challenging the mother's beliefs."

It is possible to change these situations, say experts, when someone starts the conversation, questioning models.

"But it requires that family members abandon traditional values ​​and beliefs, not necessarily completely, but at least they must leave room for change and be more flexible," says the expert, and reinforces the importance of the chosen family.

“My biggest piece of advice is to find support in the community.

It is necessary to get through this, to live life,” she says.

After the great sacrifice of migrating 

The estrangement may be connected to a

past : the sacrifice of the parents can leave deep wounds to the children (as it happens with divorces or military relatives). 

“

can create difficult situations and a great distance”, says Fernandez, “and families do not always know how to talk about the loss of closeness and children may not have the age or the tools to understand what is happening to them and feel abandoned”. 

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Financial problems at home, intergenerational trauma, and great hardship can leave a mark on the family.

“I wish I hadn't lived a hard life and came from a family that also lived hard lives and learned to be negative people.

Instead, I wish he had a more loving, caring, sensitive and encouraging father,” a person estranged from his father said in the Stand Alone and Cambridge University survey.

what if he dies tomorrow 

Family estrangement is painful in part because it is an ambiguous loss, without purpose or closure.

And a great additional weight is the stigma, being judged and blamed, say those who experience it.

It comes in unexpected ways, even from friends and close people, such as messages like “what if he dies and you have not solved that” or “you never know what can happen”. 

For Fernandez that was a reality: he lost his mother, seriously ill with cirrhosis, some eight or nine months after his parents had broken off with her.

"I was already grieving for my mother," remarks the therapist.

There is a mixture of feelings: mourning, sadness and missing, and at the same time, tranquility.

"Two years have passed and I'm still grieving, but also healing... and I don't miss the abuse," a user tells him. 

Another follower says that what she misses the most are her childhood toys.

"I wish I could show my little boy what I liked and did when I was his age...share my toys and my grandparents' house. That's my pain," she says.

Violetta Fernandez knows about the pressure she has in society, as a "good daughter", to get closer to her father and mend the bond, but also, she points out, that it is important to remember that she distanced herself for a reason, for mental health, to stop abuse.

Her recommendation is that each one find the best answer, but that she can always say: I don't feel comfortable, I don't want to talk about it. 

He has also learned to build other ties, traditions and memories.

"I stopped forcing relationships where I don't feel respected or valued. I've learned to explore, be curious and make new connections," she says in a video of her

with friends.

"I want to share a space where I feel welcomed, safe, supported and celebrated."

*If you or someone you know is going through a difficult time and needs someone to talk to, you can get free assistance in Spanish with the

The Government also has the 988 number

available

For confidential help from