Who and what is monogamy (AP, Reuters, Getty Images, Shutterstock)
It is widely believed that monogamy comes more naturally to women than to men.
A lot of people believe this narrative, which says that the sexes are simply "wired" differently, and that's why women evolved to be monogamous and men to be terrifying sperm-dispersing machines.
There's only one problem with this line of thinking, at least according to Wednesday Martin's latest book - it's not true.
In her book she explains why almost everything we believe about women, lust and betrayal is wrong, and how science can set us free.
The book is based on the latest research and interviews with experts in human sexuality, and the content challenges us to think differently about women and sex, "and explodes" many false beliefs about female sexuality in particular, including when and why women cheat.
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"I decided to write this book because I myself was a disaster at monogamy in my 20s. As soon as I got married - happily, I might add - I found myself wondering whether monogamy would suit me and my husband forever, and how other couples deal with it. I asked - what is the evolutionary prehistory of The marital relationship - and especially female sexuality - and what it can tell me about my current confusion. At the time, my reasons were personal. In addition, I have always liked women that our culture loves to hate, and the "promiscuous" is one of them, without a doubt."
"If the context is accurate, female sexuality is assertive, adventurous, and very close to what we call "promiscuous" (Photo: ShutterStock, Conrado)
If you ask a woman how common infidelity is among women, compared to the rate of infidelity among men, the answer depends on how the question is presented and how comfortable the woman feels about being exposed.
We know that because there is still a stigma about female infidelity—that is, we still think it's more "natural" for men to cheat—women are less likely to report infidelity, preferring to report preferences and behaviors that conform to societal expectations.
On the other hand, there are reports that 50 percent of women have admitted to having sex with someone other than their partner during monogamous vigilance, and this rate is higher among people in their 20s.
At young ages married women even take married men when it comes to infidelities and their frequency.
"A lot of our beliefs about why women cheat are simply not true," says the author.
One of them is the idea that while men cheat for sex, women cheat for an emotional connection.
We have easily embraced the idea that women cheat because they want 'emotional intimacy'.
But many studies actually indicate that many women cheat for the same reason that men cheat - for great sex.
The women I watched and talked to at sex parties were definitely not looking for an emotional connection.
They told me, 'I'm here for no-strings-attached sex.'"
Meanwhile, self-reported motivation to cheat complicates matters, experts explained to me. Many women who have internalized the assumption that women cheat because of an emotional connection tend to report that they seek emotional connection in their extramarital involvements. Similarly, men who are told that men cheat for sexual excitement will report that they are thrill-seeking, but cheating experts like Tammy Nelson say male and female motivations are more similar than we think.
Another of the beliefs that the author deals with, is the popular belief that women will not "go away" if they are happy in their marital relationship, but more than a third of the women in one study described their marriage as "happy" or "very happy".
It could be that the reason is that women are naturally more domestic, they need good relationships to thrive sexually, in a way that is not necessarily expressed within monogamy.
Cynthia Graham and her colleagues found that twice as many women reported a lack of interest in sex in a relationship after a year than men.
Instead of assuming it's because women just don't like sex less," many experts now consider that women need variety, novelty and sexual adventure just as much as men, and perhaps even more, and that low libido is simply their response to boredom and satisfaction.
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"Many of our beliefs about why women cheat are simply not true" (Photo: ShutterStock)
Psychologist Marta Meena summed it up very succinctly: "Long-term relationships make it especially difficult for female desire."
While we're so sure that it's men who are wired to seek out and get bored of monogamy faster than women, many researchers now think that it's women who struggle especially with the institutionalization of roles, and domesticity that dulls their libido.
Humans have evolved as highly flexible sexual and social strategists - this is one of the reasons that Homo sapiens are still around, and when Darwin observed that females of many species were naturally docile and choosy and restrained, sexually, and males were naturally competitive and randy, he framed what he saw and established the belief.
What we know today mainly thanks to primatologists, anthropologists and female sex researchers is that when the context is accurate, female sexuality is assertive, adventurous, and very close to what we call "promiscuous".
The anthropologist Sarah Hardy tells us that in all species, including among humans, the best mother for her offspring is the one who has been for many ages, in circumstances that are far from rare, promiscuous.
By being so, she could increase her chances of a healthy pregnancy and strong offspring, and create a wider network of support by two or three males who believed the offspring might be theirs.
In contemporary cultures such as the Bari in South America, people believe that a baby is created by the sperm of several men, and monogamous women may be considered stingy and bad mothers.
Brooke Salza tells us that female infidelity benefits women and their offspring.
As we now observe female sexual behavior across cultures and among non-human primates, we must question many of our comfortable and comforting assumptions about female sexual conduct.
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