'That didn't happen': what is gaslighting, a subtle form of psychological abuse

Not all forms of abuse and mistreatment are physical.

Psychological damage also has severe consequences and can be expressed in multiple ways, among which is "

".

"

is a form of psychological abuse accompanied by manipulation that consists of making the victim

to interpret things, his memory and even his own mental health,"

psychologist Flavio Calvo describes

The term

became the word of the year in 2022 according to the American dictionary Merriam-Webster, since its daily search on the Internet

over the past year.

A movie origin

The name

comes from the film

, starring Ingrid Bergman in 1944, who played a millionairess whose husband wanted to pass off as crazy to get his fortune.

The man (played by Charles Boyer) hid objects making her believe that she did not remember where they were, and

, which at that moment came from the gas, telling her that it continued to shine in the same way.

"Make Gaslight"

For this reason, the concept of

(or "gaslighting" in Spanish) is used to describe the attempt of a person to try to confuse another, and even to make

, making him see what is not or convincing her that what she sees or feels is not real.

Its meaning is "psychological manipulation of a person, usually over a prolonged period, which causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and often leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, emotional uncertainty, or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator."

"The type of abuse that takes place in

is very subtle, sometimes it can even

, accompanied by phrases like 'but are you sure?', 'that didn't happen', 'you're imagining it' , 'I never said that' to more direct ones ('you're crazy', 'you're exaggerating', 'you don't say coherent things')", exemplifies the therapist.

"This produces that the victim, over time, begins to doubt himself, it generates insecurity, so he begins to seek the opinion and

."

Poster for the movie Gaslight, 1944.

Generate dependency

Calvo adds that many times the manipulator goes further and triangulates with others, whether they are friends of both or external people, "to whom he tells that his partner or the person in question 'is not very well', he highlights if he does not

or says something wrong, in order to create a climate where everyone questions his sanity".

This type of manipulation ends up making the manipulated person

, he says.

"By continually highlighting the victim's mistakes on a consistent basis, he makes her doubt herself in many ways. She doubts

, whether her way of interpreting things is healthy or exaggerated. She comes to question judge his own way of reasoning and even his mental health", he deepens.

The result?

"The erosion of her self-esteem, which leaves the victim more and more

."

fear of what they will say

"A person who is suffering from gaslighting

 what he thinks and does, he wonders most of the time if he is not exaggerating his emotions. He lives asking for forgiveness for his actions, many times he does not tell what happens to anyone out of fear to be judged. It becomes increasingly difficult for her to make decisions, even the simplest, for fear of not doing it sanely, feeling that she can't do anything right," she characterizes.

Identify gaslighting

situations,

it is important that the victim

their own emotions and sensations.

"When something causes anger or fear, it can be felt in the body and it is transcendental to recognize those sensations."

Likewise, he emphasizes that it is key that he relates to friends and family, outside the circle of his manipulator.

It is that "people who are being manipulated tend to relate only to friends they have in common and end up isolating themselves from their family, so they cannot listen to opinions free from the

manipulator's

"When listening to yourself and others, you may want to trust your own intuitions, and assert yourself so you

from others," he advises.

On the other hand, he mentions that "it is important to recognize that each person can think and feel freely and that when you feel something you don't have to apologize for it."

A necessary action to get out of this type of manipulation is to recognize one's own values, he says.

And he adds that "when a person has values ​​and can recognize them, they give

, keeping him away, on occasions, from dangerous situations."

According to the psychologist, a good tool that can help in these cases is to make a list of priority values ​​to serve as a guide (family, friendship, generosity, compassion, honesty).

This list of values ​​can be taken to “spend time with the family” actions.

"Listen to the other with love and interest", "live spirituality", he exemplifies.

"This helps to recognize oneself and recognize if the other

, which many times will serve as a filter for links that are not convenient," he concludes.

***

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