"Many do not know what to do or how to act in the face of exploitative or manipulative people, they feel that the situation is beyond them and they do not recognize their own tools to
set a limit
," says psychologist Flavio Calvo.
A good strategy against these cases, he suggests, is to apply what is known as the "gray stone technique".
What is the gray stone technique
What does it consist of?
In becoming, in some way, a gray stone in those situations in which the person feels that they are at risk of being manipulated.
As?
"Transforming into the most boring,
least interesting, most bland person that exists
, when interacting with a manipulator or in front of someone who with behaviors that today we call 'toxic'", explains the therapist.
Handling.
Illustration Shutterstock.
Take the emotion out of the drama
According to the psychologist, people with manipulative behaviors "
need drama and emotion
to present their show."
Thus, "without the energy that his counterpart gives him, he cannot unleash his strategy and the margin to manipulate and control is reduced."
Calvo, stresses that the important thing is "
not to give them an emotional reaction
whatever they do."
In that sense, he advises only offering short, concise answers, without displaying any emotion ("being as stimulating and attractive as a gray stone", he ironizes).
Where to pay attention
The therapist and teacher maintains that this technique works by a simple law: "what we give our attention to grows."
"If we put our attention on other people's negative behaviors, those behaviors will grow, because
they feed on us
. If we take our attention away from something, it stops growing," he says.
But when faced with that suggestion (to stop paying attention to someone), many people say they feel guilty ("and those who manipulate often play with that guilt").
On this point, Calvo considers it key to make a difference:
attention is taken away from the behavior
, not the person.
"We become a gray stone when faced with the manipulative behavior of that subject, not with the subject itself," he says, pointing out that it is important to understand this, especially "when faced with relationships in which, even closing cycles, many times we continue to be in contact such as children, mother, father or others".
Likewise, he advises
not to antagonize
the manipulative person, "because by doing so, we give him power."
"These types of personalities
thrive on confrontation
and because this is their territory, we're never going to be able to beat them there. When we get angry and lash out, we're showing them that they have power and influence over us."
That is why the figure of the gray stone is used: "
a cold, firm and solid surface
, this is how we should maintain ourselves against manipulative behaviors. Let us not forget that whoever dominates our emotions, dominates us," warns Calvo.
And he reinforces: "the most appropriate thing is to put the reaction aside, stay cold and hard in the face of their behavior, so that they lose interest in us."
Healthy bonds cannot be sustained with narcissistic and manipulative people.
Illustrative photo Shutterstock.
Tips for applying the gray stone technique
According to Calvo, to put the gray stone technique into practice, it is important to take these behaviors into account when dealing with those who manipulate:
✓
The answers will be short
, monosyllabic as much as possible ("uh-huh, yes, no, maybe"). The effort will be given by the fact that the interactions with the other are very brief.
✓
Avoid expressing emotions
, especially anger, fear, grief or discomfort.
✓
Avoid starting the interaction
, because the manipulator often does things so that you are the one who starts the dialogue, and as they say colloquially, it is necessary to "bite your tongue" before speaking in these cases.
✓
It is important not to ask them for favors
or things -no matter how small- because these will be tools that they use to manipulate later, in what is known as "power games".
"The narcissistic or manipulative personality can have unpredictable, very demanding behaviors. They are profiles that are sometimes very pathological before which it is difficult to have tools at hand to be protected," says Calvo and points out that this technique "can help a lot to get out of the situation without confronting them."
However, he stresses that
it is not a resource to be used for the rest of his life
.
"It is a tool that can be useful in a transition, as a palliative method to deal with the problem."
And he concludes: "The best strategy against narcissists and manipulators is
to get out of there
, out of that common space. You can never sustain a healthy bond, no matter how painful it may seem to us, with a narcissistic and manipulative person."
***
Do you want to read more about this topic?
We suggest these notes:
➪What is gaslighting, a subtle form of psychological abuse
➪Can "toxic" people change?
➪Clues to recognize an "emotional unimputable" and why you have to stay away
***
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