There are certain truths that are irrefutable: for example, that we are all going to die. Although the certainty is total, around this there are numerous doubts, fears, concealments and a taboo difficult to eradicate. Finitude can be so painful that, instead of facing it, it is evaded. But what would it be like if we had the opportunity to prepare in advance for that end?
To achieve this, two factors are key: understanding death as part of life and promoting the culture of accompaniment. Learning to grieve doesn't just take time or will: it takes resources, tools, and a safety net to help with this challenging process.
"Learning to grieve is an unfinished business"
"Learning to grieve is an unfinished business of our culture and involves learning to process changes. And we are not prepared for that," psychologist Viviana Bilezker, founder and director of El Faro, a civil association that was born in 2008 in search of a process of transformation regarding how we connect with death and the fact of dying, told Clarín. For that they teach there the diploma at the end of life.
Bilezker: "Grief is not given the importance it deserves." Photo illustration Shutterstock.
According to the specialist, "grief is not given the importance it deserves." This experience must be given time and place, something that is not even contemplated by work licenses, for example. The same, depending on the degree of kinship, contemplate between one and three days of absence: "This has nothing to do with the reality of what a person needs when he is in mourning," he added.
The shortcomings around this are multiple and affect both those who are going through it and those who intend to help, basically because nobody teaches us how to deal with the situation: "We do not have education in mourning, it should be a subject that is studied in schools. Grief is not an extraordinary experience, it is ordinary."
Bilezker: "Grief is not an extraordinary experience, it is ordinary." Photo illustration Shutterstock.
In addition, he stressed, even with good intentions when it comes to accompanying "it appeals to clichés and phrases made that serve little to the person in mourning and that often isolate him."
Preparing to die
What would you do if you knew you were going to die soon? The question, far from being a slogan, can be the starting point for those who, for some reason, know that this inevitable outcome is approaching.
Bilezker said that in general they receive "requests for accompaniment from the diagnosis of a complex disease or from elderly people who have challenges and some difficulties that they do not know how to face."
"In preparation for death there is a lot of agenda," said the psychologist. Photo illustration Shutterstock.
Among these drawbacks, he explained, are "the fears associated with death, the fears associated with communicating with their environment and making decisions." "And it also often happens that an older person wants to talk to their children and grandchildren about how they want to accompany them in the end, what they want them to do with their body, whether or not they want a wake, what they want to do with their belongings."
This moment means for families "changes in daily routines, changes in care management, economic challenges and putting matters in order. In the preparation for death there is a lot of agenda, "said the psychologist.
How to accompany that ending
The training involves professionals from palliative care, gerontology, bioethics, psychology and communication resources. Photo illustration Shutterstock.
From El Faro they train professionals for the accompaniment at the end of life. They also offer that service to individuals and/or family groups who are going through this. There are interrelated different specialties: palliative care, gerontology, bioethics, psychology and communication resources.
Bilezker mentioned that the preparation is taking place in stages. "Many people need to review their lives, plan for their immediate future, resolve unfinished business, make decisions," but beyond these generalities, he said, "the way in which each one relates to their own end of life is unique."
"The way in which each one relates to their own end of life is unique," said the director of El Faro. Photo illustration Shutterstock.
It is in this context that the specialist highlighted the need to develop the culture of accompaniment, which she defines as "one that recognizes the interdependence between all people."
"We all accompany each other and we are accompanied. What we want to promote is that the community in general knows and prepares to be there where it is needed. We are all on one side and the other: from the moment we are born until we die we are accompanied and accompanying," he said.
The notion of community is fundamental if one takes into account that death is a common destiny from which no one escapes. That is why the spokeswoman of the civil association said that "to accompany the mourning it is not necessary to be professional, since being in mourning is not a pathological condition but human."
That accompaniment includes "listening to the bereaved person, asking how to help them, and having a receptive and open attitude. Sometimes helping in grief is being silent, other times it is talking, waiting, paying attention and adapting to what the person needs."
"To accompany grief it is not necessary to be professional, since being in mourning is not a pathological condition but a human one." Photo illustration Shutterstock.
Finally, the psychologist recommended "giving us time and removing the burden of tragedy and misfortune from death, recognizing that it exists and that no matter how much we look the other way it will continue to exist. You have to understand it as part of life. Denying what is inevitable is foolish and causes more pain. One way to alleviate suffering is to make room for it."
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