Talk to me in bed: about the importance of erotic communication

"Talk to me in bed," sang María Jiménez during the Spanish Transition, in a song that asked for more oral sex, but of words, not of the other. Good sexual communication or even sexual communication without adjectives is something so unusual that the years have not passed through the musical theme of the singer of Triana; Because, for some strange reason, people become mute when they share the bed with someone or, at best, their vocabulary is reduced to interjections ("ah!, oh!, oops!") or consecutive repetitions of the same word ("so, so, so").

"Communication is essential for good sex," says Miren Larrazabal, clinical psychologist, sexologist and president of Sísex (International Society of Specialists in Sexology). "However, and despite the fact that the new generations already practice it more, it is little spoken basically for two reasons. First, because the idea still persists that the love or desire kit includes the ability to guess the thought of the other or telepathy, while other people do not express their preferences for fear of hurting the feelings of the other, "explains the expert.

More informationThe subtle border between sincerity and 'sincericide' as a couple

If formerly sex was something that appeared after a certain degree of friendship, treatment or courtship, now it is rather the other way around. Sexual interaction is the test that must be passed to give rise to a possible relationship and, therefore, becomes the cotton test that everyone wants to pass with grade. "There are great expectations because if you fail at the first appointment there may no longer be a second chance," says Francisca Molero, gynecologist, sexologist, director of the Ibero-American Institute of Sexology and president of the Spanish Federation of Sexology Societies. "Thus, sporadicsex, which was previously something playful and without much significance, has become something of great responsibility and have great consequences because, although a lasting relationship is not sought, it is a marker of our erotic self-esteem."

"In this context and without knowing too much about the person in front of us, it is important that they give us certain guidelines to satisfy them, something that is not always done in the most appropriate way. Many are unable to express their tastes and desires and, at the opposite pole, there are perfectionists, with very high expectations, who seek honors and who begin to give (or ask) too many instructions. The sexual relationship then becomes very mechanical and bureaucratic and the desire is lost," adds Molero.

For healthy sexual communication it is essential to find the intermediate point between not saying 'mu' or giving excessive explanations, which can scare away desire. Dave and Les Jacobs/Blend Images (Getty Images)

The middle ground between not saying a word and turning the sexual encounter into a car ride with GPS goes through many aspects. And the first of all is to establish some general guidelines, such as when choosing a restaurant and we know that the diner who will accompany us does not eat meat or is allergic to gluten. Once you have made the choice of the place to dine, you do not have to spend time wondering if every bite you put in your mouth is tasty or not.

"We all have practices that we don't like or aren't willing to do that day for whatever reason," Larrazabal says. "There are also issues, such as the use of condoms, that should be clarified before so that there are no misunderstandings; But, once these things have been agreed, it is best to focus on creating an atmosphere of relaxation, complicity, sensuality, rather than pretending to know exhaustively the tastes of the other. And yes, there will be times when it is necessary to ask how our partner feels, but we must not turn the moment into a questionnaire. In this sense, non-verbal, body language can give us many clues, if we are observers and we are attentive, "says this sexologist. Another thing is that we know how to decipher the messages of the body in a world of screens and digital interactions because, as Molero points out, it is increasingly difficult to maintain face to face during a sexual relationship. "It's like we think we can't read it anymore. But maintaining eye contact gives a lot of peace of mind, welcomes and excites, "he considers.

In this modality of oral sex, that of words, the new generations seem to have it easier. According to Julia Fleta, sexologist and psychologist at the Institute of Sexology and Psychotherapy Amaltea, in Zaragoza, in general, the sexual relations of young people are more thought and more spoken. "You plan the first time and discuss what is going to be done because there is also porn, which generates great expectations and serves as a reference on the practices to be carried out. We live in a society that invites us to communicate little in erotic matters, which has instilled in us that everything has to be desired and that we have to desire constantly, "he clarifies.

Traditionally, the male gender has always been more likely to demand things and expose their tastes and fantasies. But that was before, when women came from Venus and men from Mars; And not now, when the infinite genera come from all galaxies. "Men are starting to understand sexuality in a more holistic or global way," says Fleta. And if this is something to celebrate, having things less clear and delimited also has its consequences. "Men have fewer fantasies because the type of stimuli they use are very explicit, such as porn, and leave little room for imagination," says Molero.

One of the basic rules of asking for a recipe is to listen to it and then put it into practice, but this is not always possible in the heat of erotic battle. Willie B. Thomas (Getty Images)

When communicating in bed, according to Julia Fleta, women tend to have a more indirect language, they talk more about suggestions than demands and that is not always understandable to the other. "I'll give you an example: if a woman is in a car and the open window bothers her, maybe instead of asking for it to close, she says: 'It seems that it has started to cool down.' I, as a woman, understand that hint, but maybe a man doesn't," she reflects.

In the showcase of erotic promises that many make when flirting there is never a lack of the catchphrase of "but you have to tell me what you like". Request is enough where there are because, as Molero says, "we often know better what we do not like than what we like, which is usually subject to certain moments, moods and companions". But, even if one does the exercise of compressing all his preferences and erotic imagery into a crash course of short duration, he often sees that his demands are not met or, in the worst case, even questioned.

One of the basic rules of asking for a recipe is to listen to it and then put it into practice, but this is not always possible in the heat of erotic battle. "Often, the questions are not aimed at discovering the preferences of the other and pleasing them, but to obtain clues to pass the exam with a grade in order to leave with the feeling of having finished the job well," says Miren Larrazabal. Our sexual security lives low hours, as Molero points out: "Deep down, the more open we are and the more experiences we have, we can have the feeling of how much we still have to learn. And this happens with both sexes. Despite the fact that men come from times of feeling very safe and having the idea that they know how to handle the cotarro, all that security has vanished. In general, most people perceive themselves as unskilled in sexual matera."

Do not judge or be scandalized by the tastes of the other if they have wondered, in the same way that you have to try to be assertive and focus on positive advice. That is, as every good boss knows, you should not criticize what you do wrong, but suggest how to do it well or give ideas. But, in addition, there is always the option of a deep talk on the subject, out of bed and in a friendly and didactic tone, if the person in question we like, has wood and promises. Some also have the strange idea that feelings can only be wounded in bed, when the other is without clothes, and wait to be upright and dressed to practice sincericide.

To use a metaphor, the communication we are talking about should resemble poetry rather than prose; And it is not about making rhymes, but to use that way of communicating abstract, unstructured and that goes straight to the guts that poets have. It is not about writing an instruction book, but about proposing a new adventure, even assuming the risk that the trip has turbulence.

Rita Abundancia is a journalist, sexologist and author of the website RitaReport.net.