Rosa Jové, psychologist: "If having the baby in bed hinders the sex life of the couple, it is that they do not have much creativity"

Love and respect children above all else. This is how Rosa Jové (Lleida, 62 years old), a graduate in Psychology and winner of the José Luis Pinillos National Psychology Award in 2022 for her career, understands parenting, an upbringing that must be sustainable and based, above all, on affection and respect. The expert, specialized in child and youth clinical psychology, in psychopediatrics (children between 0 and 3 years old) and educational psychologist, is also the author of the bestseller Sleep without tears (2006) —which has exceeded 30 editions—, The happiest school (2017) or Sustainable parenting (2022). All of them published by the publishing house La Esfera de los Libros.

For Jové, the most important thing is to spend as much time as possible with the children because that strengthens emotional bonds and improves coexistence: "Taking children everywhere is very positive for the family. Improves the relationship at home. In addition, the little ones must be part of society, a society that is not made for them and that has lost the concept of tribe. And this needs to be changed." For this psychologist, co-sleeping or breastfeeding, fundamental for an attachment upbringing, should not make the couple and their sex life suffer.

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QUESTION. Do you think that nowadays fathers and mothers can raise without dying in the attempt?

ANSWER. Yes they can because every day thousands of parents prove it, what happens is that it is not an easy task. Not dying, but parents are. To improve the situation, longer maternity and paternity leave would be needed to allow more time with children. Mothers, in addition, if they breastfeed, would not have to express milk. On the other hand, financial aid would be necessary to be able to have, if necessary, a caregiver or take the child to nursery school.

Q. Do you think the meaning of tribe is being lost in families?

A. Yes. We no longer breed in tribe, basically because the cities are very large and sometimes the parents live far from the grandparents. If you harm someone, that hurts the parents. Children, as long as they are with their parents and occasionally see grandparents or other relatives, and socialize with their school friends, feel good.

Q. You who advocate attachment parenting, do you feel that most parents perceive this as a burden?

A. If someone sees attachment parenting as a burden, it is that they have not internalized what it really entails. This means being more with the children. I remember enjoying spending time with my family, what I didn't like was going to work. If a parent thinks so, I would tell them to rethink it because something needs to change.

Q. Can the couple resent when they have to accept all the demand of the child and, in addition, add co-sleeping and breastfeeding?

A. It shouldn't. A father is wrong if it bothers him that his son drinks breast milk for the time the mother spends, because it is the best she can do for him and in the same way he would have to take the same time to give him porridge or bottle. The couple does not have to resent because of co-sleeping, it will only do so in those people who practice sex only at night and in the double bed. These people should think about their youth, when they were engaged and had no house or double bed and did it anywhere. With children they should raise it in the same way and do it when the child is in the nursery or when the grandparents take him for a walk. If any couple having a child in the double bed at night makes it difficult for them to maintain their sex life, they do not have much creativity.

Q. When it comes to spending time with children, taking them everywhere (shops, restaurants, cinemas...), do you see it as reasonable and positive for family bonds and relationships?

A. Yes, the good thing would be for children to always be in society, the problem is that it separates them. There are restaurants where children have restricted access, there are places where they can not play, common areas in neighborhood communities where they do not either, even weddings where minors are asked not to go. Taking them everywhere is very positive for bonds and family.

Child and youth clinical psychologist Rosa Jové is the author of several books on parenting and attachment. Javi Martin

Q. Do you perceive that there is less and less family leisure, such as escapades to nature or sports, among others?

A. Nope. I think families with children usually make getaways whenever they can and go out every day, at least to the park, but they have it more difficult because of what we said before. I believe that parents are very imaginative and go a long way to prepare appealing plans for their children.

Q. Are parents sufficiently involved in the upbringing of their children, that is, they talk, they are interested, they are attended to, they are involved in their school and extracurricular activities?

A. Yes, and increasingly. When I started in this natural or attachment parenting in the late nineties, when I talked about respectful parenting parents looked at me strangely, they did not know the term. But now, even if they don't practice it, they know what it means and more and more. Today this is much more integrated into society.

Q. What are the biggest complaints you hear from mothers and fathers about the care and education of their children at home?

A. It goes by ages. Before about a year and a half, they refer to: "It doesn't eat me, it doesn't fall asleep." From two to four years is the stage of tantrums and lament for their protests and anger. From the age of five, when they start in the school world, they reject because they do not want to go to school or do their homework.

Q. What would you say are the keys to positive references for children, both in teachers and parents?

A. The adults who are with the child and educate him must have love for that child, the second love, the third love and then respect. Young children must be loved and respected and when the child identifies that, he becomes attached to that person. By scolding them they will not obey anymore.

Q. Do you think that children learn from passionate teachers who infect them with that enthusiasm for learning or does everything really focus on something more masterful?

A. A teacher has to be passionate, even with older boys. When someone makes you love some subject that comes to you. We have all had teachers who have loved us and others who have made us hate some subject. The passion of the teachers (who are qualified) is what makes us excited to learn.

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