She asked me to take a short walk outside with her, it was a strange request. It was already evening, there really was nothing outside the caravan area and I admit I was a little scared, but she was a good friend of mine and I realized she needed to talk about something important. And there, in the dark, in an area that is neither inside the community nor just outside it, in the remote, gray, desolate area, she told me about the rape she had undergone.
In the first few moments I fell silent, I felt that this stand was too big for me to stop it, but something inside my body cried out, wanting only to close my ears, so as not to know. So as not to shatter the beautiful world I grew up in.
From the creators of "This Is Me Showing My Vulva to 30 Men"
When your intuition vomits a little in your mouth inside, listen to her Brittany, are you okay? Amala Abale and the strange videos I didn't tell almost anyone, she said over and over again when describing how those who told them disappointed her and didn't believe her
.
Turn her back one by one. And I understood even then, as a teenager, that she was entrusting me with a great secret. And by making this deposit, she's asking me to help her be in the light.
These moments have continued to accompany me ever since. These are secret moments, whispered in the spaces between worlds. Sometimes they happen at the end of a day. Sometimes at the end of a lesson. Sometimes it's a student who cries a little close because maybe she already wants to be discovered. Or those who write a message anonymously telling me who I need to talk to. There is a whole world of sexual harassment and abuse that takes place under the radar, whispered on the border between the visible and the covert, between the familiar and the hidden.
And although from time to time there is someone who speaks openly about the subject in front of everyone, the truth is that even before each one, there were secrets whispered in rooms and friends who heard the story, or even rabbis and parents. Who believed it or didn't believe. who gave strength to move forward or rather delayed and prevented.
"I'd like to say that I understood even then, I'd like to say that was the last time I spoke to him."
The great crisis I experienced regarding sexual abuse occurred in front of a rabbinical figure. I was part of an admirer of a very famous and well-known rabbi in religious Zionism, I would listen to his weekly Torah Torah lessons, read his commentaries, get carried away by his charisma and love of Torah. Learning and moved by his words. Then he moved to northern Israel, we didn't know why, they didn't bother to tell us.
And I, like many others, found myself riding buses to make a pilgrimage to hear Torah from him. And the organization I worked for at the time would organize transportation so that we could nurse from its teachings. Two or three hours each way just to experience some Chiddushei Torah from the man for whom the center of the country was too busy, whose busy schedule suffocated him and who needs time to be alone with his family. That's what we were told. This was the reason why he allegedly moved to the North.
One day I sat in the room with him, one-on-one. Just me and him. I asked about him as a rabbinic figure and leader, and he taught me how to follow the vision, how to live a life of mission. I looked at him with wide eyes, hoping I could be like him too. Make a good impact in the world. Do God's will.
A moment later, he started talking to me about gays and especially about one person in particular. It was strange to me. Why does a rabbi talk to me about gays? It didn't fit the character or the situation. An older rabbi talks about sexual attraction with such an innocent young girl, alone, in his study. He went on to explain to me that gay men can correct themselves and get married. And in this way he encourages his students who talk to him about the subject to marry women and put an end to this tendency. Which is natural but controlled. And again, he talked about that one person.
Red warning lights went off inside my brain, I realized something was wrong with this situation. But I didn't understand what. I nodded, asked him one more question and left. I even ran away a bit.
I would like to say that I understood even then, I would like to say that this was the last time I spoke to him. But it certainly wasn't. The rabbinical screen, the old man, the authority, managed to obscure the problematic nature of this relationship, which I can't really reveal all of here in written words. And I continued to relate to him as a rabbinic figure, to consult on intimate questions, on fateful questions of life.
'Our message should be clear – we won't hire someone who doesn't know the boundaries of sexuality' (Photo: ShutterStock)
Until one evening, in front of the television, the affair exploded and I discovered that this man, whom I called a rabbi, who I thought was a spiritual leader, had hurt so many children and still holds the crown of the Torah.
Every sexual assault has blast circles. I was hit in that blast cycle.
It is very difficult to believe spiritual figures after a rabbi in whom you believed so much and in his teachings turns out to be nothing short of a rapist. As offensive. As a person who abuses his rabbinical authority.
True, not all rabbis offend. I didn't say, God forbid, that this is the case. But I think that we, as leaders and spiritual leaders, as community leaders and rabbinical figures, have a big role to play in this issue. And alongside this role, precisely because of the public, spiritual and personal power of the role we hold and hold. We also have the ability to hurt. Sin and miss. We also have the ability to build worlds and destroy them. And if we don't understand this in depth, then we don't deserve our job.
In my opinion, our role in this issue is divided into two main focal points. The first is to keep clean and the second is to give space and be able to listen.
The scourge of sexual abuse and harassment is unfortunately everywhere. Also in the districts of Israeli Judaism. Our job, first and foremost, is not to bury our heads in the sand. Understand that we also have vulnerabilities, we also have harassment, and be willing to pay the price for disclosures. Always when a complaint comes it's unpleasant. It's always more convenient to blur it. But we must not do that. Even if the suspected perpetrator is a good friend, even if he is a smart person that we admire and appreciate. Even if he has a family and we feel sorry for his wife and children and for him.
People who abuse their authority are not necessarily bad people in other areas. They can be those who made us a cake when we were sick, or they talk about high philosophy. Still, if they failed to sexually harass. Our message should be clear – we will not employ someone who does not know the boundaries in the sexual sphere. And we won't let a teacher teach students if he's not clean in the field. And there is no room for discussion here.
After we've stuck our heads out of the sand, our job is mainly to listen. We are not social workers, nor are we lawyers or police officials. Usually, we will have to turn to the common courts when we receive a complaint. But before that, the ears must be severed, and the heart open.
The mechanism of victims works in miraculous ways. When our hearts are ready for this, open to receiving these appeals, then they will come. Whether or not the harassment or abuse took place within the walls of the institution we lead, victims have a special sense that can identify who they can talk to.
Victims have a special sense that can identify who they can talk to (Photo: ShutterStock)
This sense feeds on small cues, the way we speak, the containment, the tapping. From the fact that we raise the issue of sexual abuse in a lesson or two. That there are characters in the syllabus who deal with this difficulty. It starts with statements on the agenda that deal with resistance, by saying no. Standing up for myself. And in general, the ability to deal with sexuality and talk about it. These are broadcasters who are with us during the course of learning and learning. If our beit midrash has these slits, the students will also know that they can contact us on these sensitive issues. If not, if our beit midrash is left without cracks through which sexuality can emerge, the students will also understand that there is no room here to start a conversation, that the subject is off-limits. Then they will have to find someone outside the beit midrash to talk to.
The great task before us is enormous. This coming Monday, the Hartman Institute in Jerusalem will hold a Brit Emunim conference – founded by Galuya and the Israeli Rabbinate – that touches precisely on this issue and calls for the creation of awareness and a joint covenant against emotional and sexual abuse in all Israeli communities of all views and streams. It is not only the safety of the victims that is at stake here, and not only the comfort of women in our institutions. The dignity of Judaism is at stake here, the dignity of the rabbinical institution, of the spiritual leadership. And in order to strengthen this institution, we need cleanliness and a clear and unequivocal statement. We need full leadership in faith, vision and love. That would justify following her. May she respect her students. May you truly walk in light of the saying - through the land of precedence to the Torah.
Ayala Dekel is the head of BINA and a student in the Israeli Rabbinate
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