«
First it was the amusement parks, then it went crescendo, "says Christelle, 45. When her ex-husband took their daughter Emma, 7, to Parc Asterix, the mother took places for Disneyland, then there was the Sea of Sands, and others. "We were in the bidding war and it continued with the holidays. We always had to do better than the other," she says. While he has always hated the beach, the father has booked a seaside stay for this summer: "because I did it last year," says Christelle.
To discover
- Tailor-made trips: discover the offers of our partners
- Podcast Elsewhere: Singapore's hidden surprises and treasures
Pierre, 44, was "disgusted" when his ex-wife told him she had booked a three-week trip to Zanzibar this summer. "It's always the same, I tell her what I have planned with the children and she arrives two weeks later with a better plan," he says. Lacking financial means, Pierre rented a house in the south and promised himself to offer beautiful trips to his two children as soon as he could afford it. In these couples for whom the separation is apparently not conflictual, children's leave becomes a field of competition where each tries to prove to the other, to the little ones, but also to oneself that he is a better parent. "Such competition or a desire to make the other feel guilty can show that everything is not yet digested in divorce," says psychotherapist Marie-Line Urbain.
" READ ALSO Going on holiday without his children? Why you shouldn't feel guilty
Show that we are up to the task
Behind this seemingly innocuous competition, there is also the one to have the love of children, this desire to be the preferred parent. Adobe Stock
«
It is a way to show the other that we can go on with our lives without them. Not only do we get there, but we also have a better life. If you have been left, you tell the other and yourself that you are not a victim," adds the specialist. Pierre then tells himself that with this overpriced holiday that his ex-wife offers to their two children "she wantsto show that she is up to the task, that she can do it alone". At Christelle's, these two weeks in Italy, the holiday center with many activities, and the various festivals every summer are a way to prove to her ex-in-laws that she is "a good mother". "They often judged my status as a self-employed worker. They thought I never worked hard enough. By offering holidays, I show them that I manage and I also show myself that everything is fine," she says.
Behind this seemingly innocuous competition, there is also the one to have the love of children, this desire to be the preferred parent. "Children can challenge us. When they come back from vacation with the other parent and they give us an enthusiastic account of the whole trip, we want to do better. We don't want them to be bored, we want them to prefer holidays with us," says Valérie Grumelin, a psychoanalyst specializing in couples therapy. For François and Anna, 50 years old, this competition can take on the appearance of a cold war where reproaches fuse each return from leave. François, a visual artist, does not have the means to go on holiday, but takes his son with him to each of his exhibitions in Berlin or London. Instead, his ex-wife makes sure to book houses with swimming pools where she invites cousins and family. "She told me I wasn't a good father because I never took Jeremy on vacation. I told her that I offered our son better experiences than she did with her museum of the slipper of such bled, "he smiles.
Read alsoMaking your children miss school to go on the weekend could cost you dearly
According to him, this speech was also a way to legitimize his status as an artist, to call himself a good father despite financial difficulties. In this race to be the best parent, the question of money is omnipresent. In the event of a large difference in economic level between the former spouses, this desire to do better than the other then becomes a real mental burden. Soline, 35, has neither the resources of her ex-husband, nor this beautiful family home in Portugal where he takes their three children every summer. So, as soon as they return from vacation with dad, the childminder struggles to book all the possible activities in her area, "ice rink, restaurant, swimming pool, I make a whole schedule so that they also have fun with me," she says. Marie-Line Urbain remembers a patient who, despite her low income, multiplied stays in luxury hotels to show that she could also offer exceptional trips to her children. "One summer, for lack of means, she had to go to a girlfriend's house. The children told her that they had the best vacation of their lives because there were friends and also because the mother put less pressure on herself," adds the therapist.
"The child will not prefer a parent depending on the destinations where the latter takes him, he just requires time and attention"
Valérie Grumelin, psychoanalyst
To best enjoy all these moments with your children, you should leave yourself in peace, and stop comparing yourself to the other parent. "You must not do better than the other but at best for your child. What matters to him is the quality of the relationship, understanding, listening. The child will not prefer a parent depending on the destinations where the latter takes him, he just requires time and attention, "says Valérie Grumelin. According to the specialist, the best way to escape this competition is to never ask the children what they did with the other parent, "it's unhealthy to want to know everything. From the moment we are separated, the life of the child with the other parent becomes his intimate life, it does not belong to us, "she explains.
Repair with travel
Sometimes the competition is also interpreted as such by a parent who sees his former partner change his attitude and way of traveling after the divorce. Marie, 42, is convinced that her former spouse feels guilty or wants to do better than her because he began to organize totally new trips, "beaches, private, boat rides, incredible hotels, he does a lot of things with our sons while he did not care about holidays when we were together". Often, after a separation, some parents who never booked a weekend when they were in a relationship, begin to travel the world with their children after divorce. Where some see competition, sometimes, there is only this desire to offer the best to these little ones that we see half as often. "Maybe we feel guilty for not being able to give them the family he dreamed of so we repair or just want to create beautiful memories with them," says Valérie Grumelin.