"How did my partner tell my best friend that he was attracted to her?" This sentence opens with an emotional video, let's call it that, published by Shira Ziv, Idan David Snir and Liri Amber-Devi last week. In the video, they tell how Idan, who has been in a relationship for nearly five years with Shira, told Leary, her best friend, that he was attracted to her, and not only that, she also admits that she is attracted to him.
Leary, who you may remember from the exciting post "It's me, showing 30 men my vulva," already knows what it means to make noise online, but neither she nor Shira and Idan expected this video to go so viral. Especially when the three, who each deal with sexuality in their own way, have uploaded several joint videos in recent months under the name "Real Sex Education," in which Shira and Idan demonstrate what can be problematic in a certain position, and Leary explains how it can be enjoyed more.
But there is a concept more subversive than just pleasure from sex - undermining the foundations of monogamy. "If my friend said he was attracted to someone else, I would send him to the hospital," wrote one commenter, but as you can see in the video, not only is Shira far from showing signs of violence, but the three of them seem close, loving and accepting each other's feelings with surprising calm. In the video, it seems that the mutual confession did not harm the friendship or the relationship.
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Are you in a three-way relationship, or what?
Shira: "No, that's really not the case. Idan and I were not monogamous throughout the relationship, but at the moment, specifically - yes, the conversation took place in a situation that is very monogamous. There wasn't even a question mark of whether they were going to exercise the attraction or tell me they wanted to exercise the attraction. The conversation was net because OK, something is happening here, there's some elephant in the room, let's talk about things."
In fact, Shira and Leary have been selling for about 6 years, but only in the past year, after they got closer geographically, did the connection between them deepen. Slowly, following them, Idan and Leary also grew closer, and the three became very close friends. From the video, it's easy to get the impression that on one clear evening Idan decided to break the delicate balance of friendship, drop a bomb and drop the surprising confession out of nowhere, on both of them. But the truth is that the subject was discussed between him and Shira, and she was the one who suggested opening it up to Leary.
How did you tell Shira?
Idan: "We are very open today about our attraction to others, because we understand that this is the most natural thing there is. But we weren't like that all the time. The first time I felt attracted to someone else really confused me. We were monogamous and I didn't want to hurt singing, I didn't know what to do with this thing, how to express it. It took me a while to open it but once it happened - wow. Suddenly it was allowed, it's okay. Even if it does such an "ouch", because it can hurt. But we agree to meet these "ouches" and go through them because what is most important to us is to really be with each other. So it wasn't dramatic to come and tell her I was attracted to lyrics. It was also very understandable to her, like, how can you not be attracted to Leary?"
Shira: "I really didn't have any surprise. My reaction in that video really was the reaction. Because obviously there will be an attraction to the lyrical and obviously there will be an attraction to the era, I myself am attracted to both. I've also never had a moment of: That's it, I'm only attracted to my partner. It's not something that makes sense to me. The first time Idan told me about his attraction to another woman, there was a chip of: OK, does that mean something? But that's exactly the point. We are so afraid to feel fear or jealousy that we prefer to suppress everything instead of being with what comes up, talking about it, giving it space. Idan and I spent five years together, but we went through so many crazy things, so many difficult things that happened because it wasn't pleasant to say and that we kept inside. In order to really walk the path together, we also need to talk about the difficult, scary things. When we talk about things, we get stronger and deeper as a couple."
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So it's not "you don't care", you'd just rather talk about those feelings than deny their existence.
All three: "Exactly."
Leary: "None of us is a superhero who has absolute immunity to his heart. But just because people aren't willing to feel more complex emotions doesn't mean they're not there. Even couples who never say they are attracted to someone else will experience jealousy because they are afraid it will happen. It's there anyway. The difference is that we agree to meet it. In addition, from our point of view, you can say that there is attraction and you can feel attraction - but not realize it. People were really shocked by it, saying that Shira must now be afraid to leave us alone, but no - and the reason we shouldn't exercise this attraction, partly because we're also sexual facilitators, is because we know how to feel an emotion without necessarily looking for how to discharge it or how to make it disappear. Just be with it. Then when we agree to stay with the emotion, for example sadness, at some inevitable point the sadness will change and become something else. And the same goes for jealousy or attraction. When they get space, they can slowly dissolve or just change."
What if they change in an undesirable direction? Attraction can increase and turn into falling in love.
Leary: "If we had fallen in love, I probably would have chosen to stay away because I wouldn't want to suffer and I wouldn't want any of them to get hurt. But it wouldn't have happened because it was a speaker. It would have happened because it would."
Were you surprised by what Idan said?
Leary: "It wasn't a complete surprise, it was something that happened to me many times, that good friends were attracted to me, and most of them I kept in touch with after it was spoken. And I feel things too. It's not that he flirted with me or started with me, you just feel things in the air. At that time, it was a few months ago, I felt that I kind of wanted to get closer to the era, from my friend's place, as if I wanted to deepen my friendship more, and I wasn't closed on how he felt, I felt that he was a little bit in opposition to me. So as soon as he said that, I was relieved: "Oh, that's what it was. Actually, I'm pretty attracted to you too." And as I said, it wasn't said from a place of what we're going to do with it now, but from a place of: cool, how great that we can talk about it. The fact that Shira was there and really encouraged the conversation also gave me a lot of confidence. Mostly, I felt that it was just like a person coming to me and telling me that he had difficulty with me or that I had hurt him. For me, it's the same. A person who opens his heart and says something exposed and vulnerable because he wants us to get closer."
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Idan: "It really distanced me a bit because it confused me. Like, there's this attraction and it's in the shadow and it's not talked about but it exists in the air, so what do we do with it and what does it mean? There's something destabilizing about that. But having said that, we were both insanely relieved. And then we made an agreement that we continue to march now as friends, and that if something changes, if the attraction increases or suddenly asks for fulfillment, we will just stop and talk about it. We will constantly notice how this emotion changes. It all happened within very clear boundaries of friendship. There will be no sexuality between us. And what's cool is that attraction has really undergone a kind of transformation into something friendly. Today there is no sexual tension between us."
Leary: "We became much more brothers, brothers of the heart. There is something about truth that is threatening and frightening, but truth is also very close."
The relief you describe is also related to letting go of some guilt you had in front of poetry?
Leary: "I personally wasn't guilty because I never had the desire to covet Idan Eli and then, 'Oh dear, how do I feel that way about the partner of one of my closest friends?' It wasn't like that. It was more: Yoo, era, what a attractive man you are. Like, there's nothing you can do, he's an impressive man, and not just externally, in every way. So it wasn't from a place of guilt. On the contrary, I pick her up: Yoo, my girlfriend, you got this man, what fun. Maybe if it was something I really wanted to do I would feel guilty, but that wasn't the case."
And an era? Still, telling your partner I'm attracted to others isn't the same as saying I'm attracted to one of your closest friends.
Idan: "Yes, and I think there are layers of truth, not every truth has to be expressed. But we've built a bond, between the three of us, that is very, very vulnerable. There aren't many people in existence that you can really be with an open heart and show all our sides, and that's our relationship. And its fuel is true. And suddenly, when there was this attraction that wasn't talked about, it started to go a little further and hurt the relationship. So it was really for the connection between us and the quieting of all those voices."
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For most people, such an intimate relationship exists only with their partner. Weren't you afraid, Shira, even before the issue of attraction arose, that the very intimacy and closeness threaten the status you occupy in Idan?
Shira: "With Leary I don't feel threatened. I feel confident. But there are other connections that can make me feel threatened. The question is whether, out of fear, I will ignore or repress or manipulate reality so as not to feel, or whether I can find a way to be in this reality and understand what I want and need. If, for example, he had a very close friend whose relationship does threaten and frighten me, then I would talk to both of them, maybe do set certain boundaries, although I personally am on a kind of journey of whether it is possible to do this thing without saying, for example: "Don't touch." Because to me, that's not the case. If he doesn't touch her hand, it doesn't mean they won't fall in love now. Things don't really happen that way and many times the prohibition can actually attract. It is impossible to control reality. Maybe one day he'll leave the house and fall in love with someone."
Leary: "We're so afraid they'll leave us, it's a very human fear, but Idan doesn't choose poetry because she's the only woman he's attracted to or talks to about intimate things. He chooses her even though there are plenty of other women to be attracted to, and that's what makes her special. This is the perception that makes a relationship so profound. Because she doesn't meet all his needs and he doesn't meet all her needs and yet they choose to be together, it's the deep partnership they choose every day anew."
Idan: "There is a range at one end of which there is freedom and at the other end there is security, and we are constantly moving between them, both when the relationship is open and when it is monogamous. We literally hold each other's hearts in holiness. This is the most important thing in the world to us. If something is too painful, too scary, obviously we will put a limit there for our security, because our partnership comes first. But even if something scary maybe I feel like groping, feeling what it's like, not straight to put a limit. And then if it goes through some edge that hurts too much, we'll turn the line back. We will always listen to the heart."
Leary: "And it's important to note that this way of life is not suitable for everyone. We didn't come in the video either, saying that this is the right way to live. It's another perspective, an alternative of being in the media around the place of security and freedom and making our choices."
Shira: "And it's a process. Most of us did not grow up in an environment that normalizes authentic discourse, radical communication, boundaries. In general, talk for a moment about what boundaries are. It's a process of years that we've been doing, and our way of life really isn't for everyone. But the essence of searching for truth, looking for what's right for me, what doesn't serve me the way I was raised and what I've been told about the world, and finding what I want – that's what anyone can do in their own time."
- Sheee
- Sex and relationships
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