Another great first date you've had, absolutely everything you ask for in your partner, but don't go on to the next date. You received an invitation from a friend to a party on Friday night, but it wasn't until the morning of the event that you decided to go and confirmed your arrival. You've gone through a long screening process for the position you want, but you've been withdrawing the contract for ten days. If this sounds familiar, get to know the person who is often behind postponing a decision, just because if you wait, maybe a better option will come.
It's called FOBO
Option Better of Fear is the fear of a better option waiting around the corner. Fear leads to rejection of a choice that is good enough or even not to make a decision. The term was first coined by Patrick McGinnis, who is also the creator of the term Sister Pomo - Fear Out Missing of. When asked by The New York Times about its origins, McGinnis said it stemmed from his own experience as a student at Harvard Business School. "I've noticed that my classmates and I are always optimizing. In a hesitant reality of "maybe" we were actually paralyzed at the prospect that our commitment to something was also choosing something that wasn't the absolute perfect option."
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Phobo is one of the reasons for ghosting (Photo: ShutterStock)
While FOBO is a relatively new term often associated with dating and dating, it can also be found at decision junctures in various areas of life such as career and studies, relationships, lifestyle choices, and more.
Fear can appear in decisions that are mundane and short-term, such as: "Of all the types of speakers on the shelf, which one will I choose to buy?" to more substantive decisions such as career decisions and creating a relationship. In my previous career as a recruitment manager, I encountered quite a few FOBO revelations when candidates for professional positions to senior executives and management positions withdrew their candidacy, either during the recruitment process or just before the start date, after they had already signed an employment contract.
Usually, when FOBO appears, it involves thinking too much about the options at hand, which can delay making a decision or even leave us without a choice at all.
FOBO Dating
The fear of better options is a common phenomenon in today's dating reality. It usually appears at the stage of acquaintance, and also in the initial stages of forming a relationship, where a decision must be made about the continuation of the path or commitment to the relationship. In some cases it can also be discovered in later stages.
As someone who accompanies singles to find relationships, I often hear from them about the great frustration they encounter in the dating scene, frustration that stems partly from the false sense of abundance created by the apparent multiplicity of possibilities to meet, and partly from the products of FOBO and what accompanies it. When this fear appears in the relationship field, it touches and hurts not only the feared side but also the other side, and arouses great frustration.
Fear is expressed in the belief that a better option is always around the corner and achievable, and its manifestations can appear in the form of sweepers who do not tire of endless swiping on dating apps, without minimal investment in getting to know the other party, serial daters who are afraid to commit, constant search for the "perfect" and constant comparison of potential partners to unrealistic standards. Fear works in several ways, the common denominator of which is the result: in the short term - postponing a decision or not making a decision that is tantamount to a decision that creates reality. In the long run, fear can lead to missing out on dating potential partners who are suitable for forming a relationship.
In addition, FOBO is the main reason for a very common phenomenon nowadays in the dating world - ghosting, a date or
chat that ends as a one-sided disappearance, without explanation, the same disappearance that many of us experience. The reason for ghosting sometimes stems from the same fear that a better option is waiting outside, and usually they will not invest effort in continuing to get to know each other and examining the nature of the relationship.
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Pomo in relationship is Pomo (Photo: ShutterStock)
How does FOBO work?
Constant comparisons to an unrealistic standard: Fear works to delay a decision to avoid missing out on better, often unrealistic, options:
if we just wait a little longer, we will find a partner who looks or looks better, more intelligent, more successful. Fear causes hesitation and giving up an existing option that might be a good enough choice.
Skepticism and Distrust:
Another way FOBO can influence is by leading to skepticism and mistrust. In a reality of the abundance of possibilities that dating apps provide, it is very easy to fall into the trap that FOBO holds, allowing us to think that there might be someone "better" out there.
Lack of commitment and avoidance of taking risks: The fear of better choices can also lead to a lack of commitment and avoidance of taking risks
. When Asaf already found himself in a relationship with a partner, the fear of missing out on the other, the perfect partner, prevented him from being present in order to fully invest in the relationship and he avoided taking the relationship to the next level, fearing that someone better might appear in the future.
How do you deal with FOBO?
Be aware:
Dealing with FOBO requires awareness of your thoughts and feelings as a first step. Practicing self-reflection can help you become more aware and recognize what motivates you. Recognizing FOBO as running your life for you is an essential step that can allow you to be more present in your relationships.
Once you have an awareness of fear and a willingness to overcome it, it's important to reframe your thinking: Instead of focusing on finding the "perfect" partner, focus on what's important to you in your life partner and relationship. What shared values do you share? What qualities and qualities are essential for you to live together (communication, empathy, etc.). A focused reappraisal of what's important will allow you to begin to appreciate the quality
of connections and potential in current relationships, rather than always looking for something better.
Challenge what guides you:
If you find yourself constantly comparing your current partner to exes or potential partners, try to challenge what guides you. Do you idealize past relationships or potential partners? Are you ignoring the positive qualities of your current partner? It is important to understand when setting standards serves you in choosing and to identify standards that are unrealistic and may prevent you from finding happiness in a relationship. By challenging these assumptions, you may be able to reevaluate
what you have in the present.
Hagit Levy (Photo: official website, private album)
Limit your options:
Recognizing that the abundance that exists in apps is ultimately imaginary abundance may contribute to coping with this phenomenon, so another way that may be helpful for you in focusing on interpersonal interactions is to limit the multiple options, whether by taking time out from dating apps or by focusing on dating through friends or acquaintances.
Get help from an expert:
If your FOBO is preventing you from forming meaningful relationships, consider seeking professional help. Keep in mind, FOBO is a common phenomenon in modern dating, but it doesn't have to dominate your life. By taking steps to overcome it, you can make meaningful connections and find happiness in your relationship
The writer is Hagit Levy, accompaniment in the process of finding a relationship LINKDATE
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