Rebecca Rolland, psychologist and professor at Harvard: "We are turning children into people who act robotically"

The gift of Momo, the character created by writer Michael Ende, was that he knew how to listen. From everywhere they went to the small amphitheater where the little girl lived to talk. At least until the grey men arrived to snatch their time for chat. For the American psychologist Rebecca Rolland (Atlanta, 43 years old), also a writer and professor of Education at Harvard University, in Boston, this is a bit what happens today, especially with sons and daughters. "There are superficial and logistical conversations, but little time is spent in deeper conversations of full listening," he explains to EL PAÍS by email.

Rolland, who also works as a specialist in oral and written language pathologies in the Department of Neurology at Boston Children's Hospital, has just published in Spain The Art of Talking to Children (editorial Diana). In the book, published last year in the United States, the author points out that if you take advantage of the small conversations of everyday life and eliminate time stealers, a term she uses in her book for example to refer to the abuse of technology, these talks will become great opportunities for learning, development of creativity and we will also strengthen the bond with children.

More information Sonia López Iglesias, educational psychologist: "In adolescence parents build the relationship they will have with their adult children"

QUESTION. Why would you say we need a manual for talking to children?

ANSWER. We all want the best for our sons and daughters and, ultimately, for society. We do our best to do this: we take them to do activities, we do homework with them, we go to the events they organize at school, and so on. But we do not take into account the most important key to their development, which are the conversations we have daily with them. Often, these conversations are logistical. They are very focused on how we go from one place to another, what our schedules are and, in general, how to spend the day to day. There is a lot of research on this that says that if we take advantage of these everyday conversations and make them great opportunities for learning, developing creativity for children and also strengthening the bond, these conversations can be used much more effectively and we can improve our lives. I hope this manual can help parents do that.

Q. How disconnected are we from childhood?

A. I think that with our busy working lives, we place a lot of importance on children's achievements and performance, but we often forget what it's like to be a boy or a girl. Sometimes we are very far from the experience of children, which can be simply leaving the mind blank or walking and looking at what we are seeing. What does give us hope is that we have a great opportunity because it's wonderful to talk to children. They have a natural sense of playing, of being surprised and see the world from a very different perspective. We have forgotten that because we have learned so much about the world. For example, children often ask themselves: why don't we get younger and younger? or what if we lived on Mars? Many times we forget to ask these important questions and, by spending more time with children and talking to them more, we not only help them, but also awaken again our ability to surprise ourselves.

Q. It has just been 50 years since the publication of Momo, by Michael Ende. When it is read, it seems premonitory of many things that we live currently ... Who would you say that today are the gray men who steal our time?

A. There are many things that steal children's time. In part it is because we fill their agenda with many things to do. Instead of talking to them, we fill them with experiences and don't give them time to reflect. We're turning them into people who act robotically, and they're not creative people or don't follow their interests. Another very clear component is that there are children who are very focused on social networks and the use of the internet. Of course, technology can be put to good use with children, but when they focus too much on searching or seeing one perfect image after another they don't realize how much time they spend doing that. For example, I know the case of a child who related only through networks. And I think we can't make them lose those experiences as children and that their life can focus only on the likes they receive.

Rebecca Roland, psychologist and professor at Harvard, publishes 'The Art of Talking to Children'. Andrew RIley

Q. In your book you stress that society wants children to grow up too fast, is this a symptom of how we live?

A. Without a doubt, right now we live in a culture very focused on performance and efficiency, and on many occasions we want children to fit into a perfect mold with the best of intentions. I think we are concerned that they will be left behind, but we have to stress that children's development takes place over time. Children take advantage of more activities that are related to play and discovery – which allows them to reveal things for themselves – than that we teach them a lot of things, especially if they are not ready for it. So if we put a lot of pressure on them in the beginning, they tend to become anxious because they're not ready for the things we're doing. And, in addition, they feel the stress that we feel; We moved it. It is important that we restart and respect their natural rhythms.

Q. It also proposes in its pages an act of rebellion: taking time to speak with conscience. How does such conversations help children's development?

A. This is very important. It is a fundamental change in the sense in which children develop and relate to us. We are creating small moments for children that accumulate over time, and that builds their kindness, confidence and creativity. We are inspiring them to think for themselves and recognize that they do indeed have good ideas, that their reflections, their contributions are valuable and that they should continue with them. I think right now we are in a crisis of conversation. Children feel very isolated, sometimes depressed or stressed, and we need those little moments of chatter to be able to get out of that cycle.

Q. How can we make a difference in our conversations? What recommendations would you give?

A. I would start with curious reading. Doing this for five or ten minutes, a couple of times a day, with the kids is fantastic. We sit, regardless of their age, next to them and watch them. This way we will know what they like, what they find interesting or what not. Maybe a toddler is playing with pebbles and a teenager is playing video games. It's about sitting next to them and seeing what's on their minds. What they like, what fascinates them. And then we asked them questions about this curiosity.

Q. Do we know how to listen?

A. I believe, without a doubt, that listening is one of the most important challenges. We often don't listen very well or reflectively, and we don't usually teach children to listen well or effectively. Sometimes, we think we're listening, but really our head is somewhere else. If we teach children to listen, they will be able to listen better to their classmates, also to us and their teachers. Thus, we can create a much broader culture of communication.

Q. Is there a technique to capture the attention of those who are not listening to us?

A. Yes, I would say yes. First, using humor. If I think someone isn't listening to me, I can spout nonsense that has nothing to do with the conversation and see how long it takes to realize you've said something silly. For example, if you are talking about homework and suddenly you start talking about elephants, then you can try to measure how long it takes the child to realize that you are not talking about the same thing. Another idea is to ask someone to repeat what the other person was saying, or what they think the other person was saying: "If you were really listening, tell me what you heard," and then ask a question. Many times we lack this. We don't teach children to ask listening questions. I think teaching children to ask these kinds of questions and modeling them is a wonderful way to teach them to listen.

You can follow Mamas & Papas on Facebook, Twitter or sign up here to receive our biweekly newsletter.

Subscribe to continue reading

Read without limits

Read more

I'm already a subscriber