A funeral director also tries to let relatives with dementia participate in funerals. Above all, pictures or objects are valuable memory aids.
Freising – "I just like being in the cemetery. Even as a child, when I straightened the grave with my grandmother," says undertaker Isabella Forster during a walk through the St. Georg cemetery in Freising. Her profession is also a vocation, which is clearly noticeable - which is one of the reasons why Forster has now decided to undergo additional training as a dementia-friendly undertaker. One thing is absolutely clear to the 30-year-old: "We have to let people with dementia participate when a relative dies, because everyone must have the opportunity to grieve."
Relatives often do not know whether to tell dementia patients about deaths
Forster, who works as an undertaker for Karl Albert Denk in Freising, loves her job – and she always wants only one thing, namely to enable the deceased to have a dignified last journey, but of course also to support their relatives with all her strength, advice and support. However, it often becomes problematic, and the undertaker knows this very well, when relatives are suffering from dementia, no matter what form and severity.
+Pictures and music often help survivors with dementia to lovingly remember their deceased family members.
© Lorenz
An example that Forster cites: "The husband of a woman with dementia dies. The funeral service is prepared by the family, everything should be perfect – and the question quickly arises as to whether or not to tell the wife." The reason is as follows: Due to the disease, there are very frequent inquiries about where the relative is or what is going on. In addition, depending on the form of dementia, there is a loss of cognitive abilities. The survivors with dementia therefore notice that something is wrong, but may react with restlessness or even confuse the current death with a longer period of time. "Many relatives are simply overwhelmed," explains Forster, which is why families repeatedly opt for a funeral service without the person suffering from dementia.
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"But everyone needs feelings of grief, with or without dementia," says Forster. That is why it was very important to her to educate herself in this regard in order to enable these people to say goodbye in a dignified and appropriate manner.
The example of a recent dementia funeral that Forster recounts is heartfelt. "Together with her daughter, the wife with dementia accompanied her husband during the dying process," Forster recalls. However, according to the undertaker, one thing was also important: "The woman then had to understand that her husband was not just sleeping." One possibility: a farewell at the open coffin in a very small circle, in this case just mother and daughter. "The coffin is no longer a bed, there are candles burning, there is a cross hanging – so the woman clearly perceived that something was different."
Forster wants to achieve a link between memories and current events
Although the bereaved kept saying, "Get up!", she also cried again and again, which speaks for a clear perception of the situation. But there are also memories that Forster works with, because dementia patients are often better able to remember events from a long time ago than current ones – such as their own wedding. "I then put up the wedding picture on the coffin or ask what music they liked to listen to together so that I can play it: in this case it was the background music from the TV show Alpenpanorama."
What Forster succeeds in doing is linking memories and current events – in other words, a journey back in time into the past in order to be able to understand and allow the present and the pain. What is also possible: Take a walk with the sick person during a funeral service in periods of restlessness in order to break through the restlessness and perhaps helplessness, so to speak. It is fundamentally important here that the various options are discussed in advance – preferably early enough with the undertaker. "It is important to me that no one is excluded, the relatives should not be afraid of questions – many things can be made possible, we just need to know," says Forster.
Pictures and objects as valuable reminders
"When the heart senses what the head forgets" is one of Forster's sentences, which are touching because they formulate what is so difficult to pronounce in families. "Such a dementia-friendly funeral is of course very time-consuming and takes time – but it's worth it to me," explains the 30-year-old from Freising. What she also shows the relatives are memorial options for the time after the funeral – such as jewelry with fingerprints of the deceased. But photographs can also be important, of the funeral, of the flower arrangements, the wreaths and, depending on the wishes of the guests. "You just have to try everything," Forster concludes as he walks through the rows of cemeteries, adding: "Everyone should be allowed to mourn, that's just part of life."
Richard Lorenz
Good to know
Contact Isabella Forster: Phone (08161) 4965317 or e-mail via isabella.forster@karlalbertdenk.de.
You can find even more up-to-date news from the district of Freising on Merkur.de/Freising.
