Feeling guilty about not having relationships? How to Manage Periods of Sexual Inactivity

Many will subscribe to the idea that people are really known in bed and that nothing better describes the erotic self than the way of behaving in bed: our performance as desiring and desired beings, our greater or lesser capacity for seduction, the ability to innovate and even the gymnastic-anatomical feats that we are able to carry out without accidents. But very few will notice that another important marker to know anyone sexually is to look at how they react when sex is non-existent, when fasting, lean times and even famine arrive; Because emptiness is always full of highly enlightening messages.

Pepa, 62, has already thrown in the towel and, although she would like to have a partner, in her belief system there is an absolute truth: "Men my age are looking for women in their forties," she says. She lives, therefore, resigned to loneliness, which she marries with Netflix series and her latest erotic toy. Mary and Ruth, 42 and 39 years old, have lived together in peace and harmony for five years, but without sex. Both have talked about it and have come to the conclusion that, at the moment, they do not feel like it, but everything is fine. On this island without desire, even if Ruth does not feel like having sex, she would like Mary to feel desired. Óscar, 55, has been on an erotic break since his divorce. He masturbates, but each time the feeling of emptiness and frustration is greater. He feels that it is almost impossible to find a partner. He feels like he's missing the last train. He feels that his abilities to approach the object of his desire are dying every day.

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The periods of abstinence (voluntary or involuntary) that all humanity inevitably goes through are often accompanied by varying doses of undervaluation, as befits a world that has capitalized on sexuality. "Sex is the consequence of successful behaviors," said one coach in seduction. It follows that if you don't have relationships, it's because you're a failure. "Just as in the seventies we were sold that through sexual freedom came social freedom, now we have assumed the idea that sex life is a reflection of your status. It is one more market value, which must always trade upwards. So the spaces of inactivity have bad press because they are synonymous with failure, "explains Guillermo González, doctor, sexologist, specialist in bioethics and law and vice president of the Spanish Federation of Sexology Societies. "Anyway," he points out, "I think that, after a period of a lot of sexualization, we are now moving towards a more moderate era, which seeks a middle ground."

Generally, the lack of relationships in a couple usually causes feelings of guilt (especially in the one who does not want), while those who do not have sex because they do not have who they do not have with whom they tend to feel frustrated, according to Antoni Bolinches, sexologist and professor of the master's degree in Clinical Sexology and Sexual Health at the University of Barcelona. Bolinches is also the author of several books, such as Love at the Second Attempt, Wise Sex or My Best Thoughts, a compilation of personal reflections and aphorisms, also on sexuality. "We don't know how to manage these periods of drought because we associate quantity with quality. However, sex has been devalued by excess, not by default." As Bolinches recalls, the French writer and aristocrat Ninon De Lenclos (1620-1705) already said: "Love almost never dies of hunger, but of indigestion."

The sociologist and sexologist Delfina Mieville affirms that the first thing would be to know what we mean by having sex. "If it is intercourse, if there should always be orgasm or ejaculation or if our concept encompasses many other things. Start with the senses, by returning to the body and not directly to the genitals. For the pleasure of living, which is always healthy," he explains. If you do not find the right person to practice it, the expert recommends patience: "Better not to find than to find bad." And, in the meantime, he says, it is advisable to learn from one's own tastes, limits and self-exploration. "Fertile emptiness is a concept that is used in Gestalt therapy but also in other streams. The void itself scares us because it is the transition between what is no longer and what is yet to come. It is to let go of one rope before having another. But, if that emptiness is lived with attention, and not only covering it (counting on the fact that it is sometimes uncomfortable and painful), it can be very fruitful. In fact, in grief we draw and discover qualities that we did not have, "he says.

Having a partner and not having sex, an increasingly frequent dichotomy in a world in which opposites get along better and better. Yuri Arcurs peopleimages.com (Getty Images/iStockphoto)

Interestingly, that emptiness becomes more unbearable when living in company. Having a partner and not having sex, an increasingly frequent dichotomy in a world in which opposites get along better and better. "All couples can go through asexual phases, but if they are prolonged in time they can create a lot of suspicion," says Bolinches. Above all, he warns, because generally that reluctance does not affect the members in the same way: "It is accepted that work stress, childcare and other tasks of life can inhibit desire or take time away from other more pleasant activities, but unanswered questions are the ones that most erode coexistence. Although it is also true that there are couples who have already completed their sexual cycle and others who can do without sex for long periods, provided that both members are comfortable in that situation. "

The recommended English series Wanderlust, in which an unmotivated couple recovers the desire thanks to the right of pernada that both members grant to the other, unfortunately, does not always have its equivalence in real life. "For most of the couples I have had in consultation it is another problem to add, because if one does not agree with this philosophy, adopting it at critical moments is not the best idea. In any case, rather than resorting to the open couple, what is usually done is to sign up for games of liberal sexuality. My advice is always the same: before you start running, you have to learn to walk," says Bolinches.

Looking for the spontaneity and fire of the first encounters, discarding everything that does not reach this level, is another of the mistakes of long-distance lovers. As Mieville emphasizes, there is nothing spontaneous about sex, even if we think so. "Desire is a mixture of having and not having, of attachment and emptiness. Most couples do not have the same type of desire, what happens is that at the beginning of the relationship we prepare, we do not fix, we fantasize, we leave the house. But, over the years, we have to accept the challenge of becoming good lovers because it's no longer hormones that do all the work. Lover is the one who loves, the one who does it, the one who wants to know what the other is like. It is present continuous and there is no good universal lover. We are someone's lover. And for that it is important that we see who the other is, their specificity, their changes and evolutions."

Practicing autoeroticism, without frustration, already places us within sexual activity, even with oneself. SimpleImages (Getty Images)

A golden tip for couples in abstinence is to never lose body communication because it is very difficult to recover. A stranger will be touched before the one who one day decided not to touch your skin again. "It is difficult because the one who feels rejected refuses to request attention and the most reluctant puts aside the gestures of affection so that the other does not misunderstand them. In this way, physical contact is disappearing, little by little and it is very difficult to resume it, "says González.

The world is full of lonely people looking for sex and stable companionship. As time passes without finding the right person, erotic self-esteem thins, becomes flabby and loses its strength. Seductresses and pichas bravas can end up becoming insecure teenagers, looking for the opportunity that never comes to lose their virginity. A friend in her fifties told me that she had already put the "closed for retirement" padlock. The secret to not falling into this is knowing how to live the parenthesis in a healthy and creative way. According to Bolinches, "practicing autoeroticism, without frustration, already places us within sexual activity, even with oneself. But, in addition, we must seek substitute pleasures, rewarding leisure and practice creative sublimation, directing sexual energy to the world of creativity, with which it has so much to do.

Relationships come out of occasions, and occasions out of situations. There is, therefore, no need to close oneself off, but to add dynamism to life. It also doesn't hurt, in González's opinion, to learn some relational tools. And, as the expert recommends, "if you do not have anyone to have relationships with, recreate yourself with your fantasies, write down your experiences and get a good coat to spend the winter, knowing that spring comes every year."

Rita Abundancia is a journalist, sexologist and author of the website RitaReport.net.