What do I do when the child has a tantrum? Eight experts with children give their advice

The girl holds onto the supermarket cart tightly. It shakes him. His face is enraged, and a few churretes can be seen under his eyes, full of anger. He looks at his mother with determination. The woman tries to remain calm, while striving to remain calm, saying nothing, waiting for the show to end. This is just one example, but many parents will have seen themselves reflected. Crying, screaming, squealing, hitting, moaning or kicking are some of the behaviors that children usually show between 18 months and 4 years, being 2 and 3 years the time when tantrums are aggravated. Although tantrums can occur at any time of upbringing. And sometimes the outburst is a difficult time to handle.

Specialists say that these behaviors are normal in the development of children and that the reasons that cause them are diverse, from fatigue, hunger or discomfort to the intention of testing the authority of parents, defying the established rules. Many parents, desperate in the face of these repeated tantrums, often seek advice from experts to help them manage them. But how do they, the specialists, apply those same recommendations at home?

Read moreIf a baby bothers with their crying on a plane, or one quiets up or offers help to their parents

To learn more about how they solve these situations, we consulteda child psychologist, a perinatal psychologist, an educator, a university professor, a Montessori guide, a journalist expert in parenting, a psychotherapist and the founder of the Malasmadres Club. Eight experts who tell in first person how they have lived or live the explosive anger of their children.

1. Carmen Romero Gallardo, child psychologist (49 years, four children)

Carmen Romero Gallardo, child psychologist: "To understand my children's anger I had to know how to stop and put myself in their shoes."

What are the situations that have triggered your children's tantrums?

All four of my children have had tantrums. Some more than others, but in any of them there was a stage in which it was something normal. Tantrums used to be activated generally when changing activity. That is, when they should stop playing to go to the bathtub or leave the bathtub to go to dinner. I soon learned that it was very important to inform them of the sequence of activities and the tempos of each of them, to avoid catching them by surprise. On the other hand, tantrums also used to be activated at times when their expectations were not met. When we went to the supermarket and I didn't buy them the chocolate bar they asked for or the bag of potatoes. So I decided that before leaving home I should explain to them what we were going to do and what they could expect from each situation.

How have you dealt with those moments as a mother?

To understand my children's anger, I had to know how to stop and put myself in their shoes. See the world as they see it, understand them and empathize. However, I also knew that I had to fulfill my responsibilities as a mother. He had to educate them to be happy adults. So I prepared myself well to be able to manage those situations and still offer them the respect they deserved. Children often become small volcanoes and adults must be prepared for them. It is not always easy to see our little ones angry. The anger of our own children usually overwhelms us, so we must be prepared and train ourselves to also control our own emotions.

How do you manage them? Does your partner participate to solve the situation?

My husband and I have always tried to be coordinated. Before each tantrum we tried to connect with his anger and show our acceptance. From there, we offered them space and time to get regular. Sometimes children need a hug to calm down, other times they prefer to be alone and manage their anger independently. It is important to respect their preferences. However, the most important thing is not to be in a hurry to stop crying, because that is what leads us to end up giving in. Our children must understand where we stand and keep us that way until the end. Thus, we avoid confusion and future tantrums. They will learn to anticipate our reactions and understand what is expected of them at all times.

2. Diana Sánchez, perinatal psychologist (49 years, 2 children)

Diana Sánchez, perinatal psychologist: "The problem of their tantrums is associated with the fact that, as adults, we want them to do what we tell them."

What are the situations that have triggered your children's tantrums?

My children are already older, they are currently 12 and 15 years old, but they have gone through these stages. If we refer to the stage where more tantrums occur, around 2 or 3 years, the reasons were not always clear. The trigger could be insignificant: frustrations that they did not know how to express verbally or that, although they knew how to express, they managed them that way. For example, not wanting to leave the park, not wanting to bathe, not wanting to stay in nursery school or go to sleep. That is, frustration out of anger. Other times, this was added to fatigue (especially late in the day), being hungry and even incubating a virus.

How have you dealt with those moments as a mother?

I was trying to understand what was going on and look for alternatives and solutions. Especially at the beginning. In any case, each of them is different. With the second it worked to do nothing and take him for a walk or walk, without further ado. With the eldest, accompany her with presence, without doing anything else. Trying to reason was useless. And if they let me, hug them, accompany them and validate their emotions.

How do you manage it? Was your partner involved in resolving the situation?

When they were little my husband traveled a lot and, if he was, he participated, of course. But it wasn't very often. In part, the problem of their tantrums is associated with the fact that as adults we enter into a kind of power struggle to get them to do what we want. This is the main problem.

3. Anabel Valera Ibáñez, educational consultant and leadership expert (43 years, 4 children)

Anabel Valera, expert in Leadership: "With my first daughter, I tried to stop tantrums by ignoring her, so I only managed to make the situation worse."

What are the situations that have triggered your children's tantrums?

At a certain age, children begin to become aware of themselves, to understand that they do not correspond to their reference figures, that "I am not a father or mother", that "I think differently and make my decisions". It is the age of "no". And learning to say no, to set limits, is not only valid and legitimate, but also very necessary. Surely it will be something we want them to know how to do during adolescence when they face the world. Learn to say that you do not learn in childhood, when you "train" with your parents. When a child experiences a tantrum, they don't have enough tools to channel it. His executive brain is still very immature and the emotion completely hijacks the child, who is blocked by stress.

How have you dealt with those moments as a mother?

With my first daughter, I tried to stop tantrums by ignoring her or responding with anger as well, so it only made the situation worse. I delved into the Positive Discipline that revealed to me the importance of "mirror neurons": when I got angry at a tantrum, it became even more blocked. So I learned to offer my support and make him understand that I was for whatever he needed. Now, before a tantrum, I try to understand what is the cause and what unmet need my son or daughter has: maybe it is tiredness, jealousy, hunger ... Or you've had a bad day at school and explode at home with your favorite person, who is your trusted person.

How do you manage them? Does your partner participate to solve the situation?

I try to keep calm, live the situation becoming aware of it. I always stay in the same room as the child, usually sitting on the floor, at his level: firstly to make me feel close, and secondly to prevent him from hurting him. Generally, as he calms down, he usually approaches, seeking contact and the security of a hug. As for the intervention of the couple, it is important that both parties are coherent, that they act following the same strategies. Being parents does not make us educators, it is necessary to accompany children in their growth in a coherent and respectful way, prioritizing connection and secure attachment.

4. César de la Hoz Pérez, educational psychologist, mediator and university professor (46 years, 1 child)

César de la Hoz, university professor: "It is important to reinforce the appropriate and socially competent part, not to stay in the 'no' to dry".

What are the situations that have triggered your children's tantrums?

When he wants something and can't get it. For example, he likes to go out very much, so even if it rains, he wants to go out. He takes you by the hand and goes straight to the door pointing his finger or trying to open it. The first few times it was going out or going out and if not, tantrum. Now I tell him that it rains (he likes water a lot) and he understands it, or I tell him that it is cold or it is late and after explaining it to him he understands it although, of course, there is still part of the demand, it does not disappear because you explain it to him. It's normal and it's good that he's building his character.

How have you dealt with those moments as a parent?

He is 17 months old, so with a lot of patience and trying to anticipate and explain instead of imposing a criterion. It is important not to simply say "I am a father and he does not leave", but to explain, to point out why (look for stimuli in the street so that he understands that it is not the time or it is not possible or it is not the best time). It doesn't take more than a minute to do it. If it's a good day, we go out. There's no point in not going out because I don't want to as an adult if it's a good day. Nor deceive him by telling him a milonga. Forcing the tantrum is a mistake, it is better to explain why yes and why not. On the other hand, he will ask you again after five minutes, it is normal in case of the kids. Well, the operation is repeated, it is what educates.

How do you manage them? Does your partner participate to solve the situation?

A tantrum can be worked on in the medium term, because they are usually repeated for the same reason, therefore, you are working little by little and without imposing a criterion. As he already understands well what you say, with an alternative and without using harsh language, little by little he understands that there are things that can be done at that moment and things that cannot. On the other hand, it is important to reinforce the appropriate and socially competent part, not to stay in the "no" to dry. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, but it is crucial not to work it from the imposition even if we extinguish what it wants to achieve and give an alternative. It's a long-term process. Yes, my partner participates and we try to do it the same way.

5. Rocío Niebla, parenting journalist (34 years, 2 children)

Rocío Niebla, an expert journalist in parenting: "There is no manual to manage this, each situation is different, but the important thing is: love and firmness."

What are the situations that have triggered your children's tantrums?

Say no to wishes. Take away the cartoons when I think they have been long enough. Make them do their own things even if it takes longer: get dressed, take breakfast to the table, take their backpack to school. Limit or control their sugar.

How have you dealt with those moments as a mother?

When they get angry and react aggressively, I get angry. It's like that. If I get very tired, I get angry more easily. What I try is to pass the situation of their anger, without cutting the process of anger, then I try to calm them, and once everything is calmer (I the first) I put words to what has happened. I tell them above all that "we, in this family" do not hit and that they have to abandon violence. But be careful, it's not easy and I don't always get angry.

How do you manage them? Does your partner participate to solve the situation?

When I can't calm down, my partner intervenes. And conversely we do it too. We strive to have them trust us, not to fear us. We don't like to scream because I see fear in their eyes, and I think that makes them smaller and bigger and us bigger. With what the distances are separated and the trust and the bond suffers or breaks. Sometimes, I can't get them to calm down right away, but everything passes. I also try to put them in the thinking corner, that they have books and cushions there, and that they relax. There is no manual to manage this, every situation is different, but the important thing is: love and firmness.

6. Miriam Escacena, Montessori guide and teacher (44 years, 2 children)

Miriam Escacena, expert in the Montessori method: "I always try to remember that a child cannot self-regulate, and that first I have to calm down."

What are the situations that have triggered your children's tantrums?

A tantrum can be unleashed in day-to-day situations in which things have not happened as they expected, for example, when they are answered with a "no" to a request, such as buying them a snack or staying longer in the park ... It is curious that parents do not usually catch us at a good time, who among us does not have the image of their child kicking on the floor of the supermarket and everyone around looking at us with a disapproving face? It's like Murphy's law, if he drops the toast, he will do it on the side of the jam, so let's take it with the best possible humor because passing is going to happen, and more than once.

How have you dealt with those moments as a mother?

In moments when I feel that my children challenge me or pose a power struggle I try to remember the character full of fire that represents anger in the animated film Inside Out, and at least I get a smile trying to see the situation from the outside. When it happens to my young son, I try to breathe and remember that I am the adult and that I have to regulate myself in order to regulate him. When it happens to me with my older teenager I repeat to myself over and over again: "It's not against me, it's his brain," as Sara Desirée Ruiz says. I am aware of the theory, and I know very well that if as adults we react with anger or anger to an emotional explosion of our children what will happen is that we infect each other these emotions through mirror neurons and it ends up being nonsense.

How do you manage them? Does your partner participate to solve the situation?

I always try to remember that a small child cannot self-regulate, and that to calm the storm I must first calm down. Sometimes, I have to resort to the famous time-out for myself. Experts say that an emotion lasts no more than 90 seconds, so if I have another adult nearby (few occasions because I raise alone), I try to ask for help and tell them "mom is going to go to the bathroom to calm down for a moment", count to 100, breathe, and leave wanting to empathize and help. Finally, I want to share my little checklist in case of SOS: try to direct attention to something else, reconnect, look for humor laughing at myself, offer a hug, tickle or let them do them to me to see who can take more without laughing ... (The latter usually always works).

7. Rafa Guerrero, psychotherapist, director of Darwin Psychologists (42 years, 2 children)

Rafael Guerrero, psychologist: "Children calm down with our mere presence." Alvaro Garcia

What are the situations that have triggered your children's tantrums?

Generally, at home tantrums break out when they are told "no" to something, some limit is set or when we are tired and / or hungry. Tantrums are more frequent, intense and lasting when one or more family members are not well or calm.

How have you dealt with those moments as a parent?

I try to face my children's tantrums as calmly as possible, although that's not always the case. Understanding them as a challenge and a learning opportunity is very attractive. I don't always manage them well, because I don't always have good days and I'm not able to be in balance enough to propose to help my children.

How do you manage them? Does your partner participate to solve the situation?

Effective management of tantrum or conflict depends a lot on adults. If we are rested, calm and act safely, we are more likely to reassure our child. Of course, not every day is this great. One of the variables that also helps a lot to cushion the tantrum in the little ones is if we have time to accompany them in that bad drink they are going through or, on the contrary, we are in a hurry because we are late for school and work. If we are not in a hurry, sitting as close as my son allows me to feel accompanied usually relieves the situation a lot. Children are calmed by our mere presence. My wife plays a fundamental role in managing these situations. We must act as a team. When one can not more or has run out of patience or resources, it is essential to ask our partner for change.

8. Laura Baena, founder of the Malasmadres Club (41 years, 3 daughters)

Laura Baena, founder of Malasmadres: "We must lower the self-demand, keep reminding ourselves that we are not perfect."

What are the situations that have triggered your children's tantrums?

They are moments that generate a lot of tension when you do not know how to face them. They are produced out of nowhere, because of something you don't give them or because they can't do something. As in everything in life, experience is a degree, but not only because you learn how to do it, but because of the attitude with which you face those situations. I think we arrive at the first motherhood without knowing where the air comes from and that leads to frustration and despair. To blame ourselves too much. But as you care and being a mother is a complicated job, too much sometimes, with little social recognition, which needs a lot of time, you try to learn to manage it, you look for tools or ask for help.

How have you dealt with those moments as a mother?

I have the great fortune to surround myself with wonderful experts such as Alejandra Melus, Sonia López or Rafael Guerrero, among others, who have taught me to understand my daughters more and better, to work on patience, active listening and accompany emotions. Now I face in another way, from another place, the tantrums of my third daughter. I'm more compassionate with myself, reminding myself that I'm doing well and that I'm not a bad mother for losing my temper or screaming when I can't take it anymore. We must lower the self-demand, keep reminding ourselves that we are not perfect. Because surely that day that costs you to manage those difficult moments you have not had a good day, you have reconciled as you could ... Mothers bear a lot of burden and have been deceived with the idea of "quality time".

How do you manage them? Does your partner participate to solve the situation?

If you are not well, it affects everything, relationships with people and also with your daughters. Talking to them, being vulnerable, telling them how I feel is important too. I can't manage their emotions if I don't work mine first. And finally, something that worries me a lot and that we have analyzed in our last campaign You are not less a mother, is how judged we feel, whatever we do. Living a tantrum with accusing eyes of family or friends is hard, everyone has the perfect solution and they make you feel like a bad mother, questioning how you are doing. Mothers need more respect, more empathy and more active help. In my case, we are a co-responsible couple, where we share the management of emotions. The distribution of tasks is important, both visible and invisible. In the latter comes education and the management of emotions.

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