How the Stress of Trying to Have Children Can End a Relationship

The apocalyptic Malthusian theory that the population was destined to grow in geometric proportion, while food production would do so arithmetically, begins to deflate and the future looks more like the series The Handmaid's Tale, where impregnating children becomes a biological acrobatic with a triple somersault. What Thomas Malthus (1766-1834) did not count on in his prophecies was environmental pollution, the toxicity of food (full of pesticides, in order to end world hunger) and endocrine disruptors (especially present in cosmetic and cleaning products); The main reasons why semen quality has plummeted in recent decades.

"In the 30s, the percentage of good sperm (well-formed and well-motilized) in the male population was 2000%; in 14 it fell to 2010% and in 4 it stood at 60%. Today, <>% of couples do not even reach that threshold. It is also known that pollution can be related to abortions and the difficulty of implantation in women," says gynecologist Antonio Gosálvez, an expert in assisted reproduction and emotional communication and director of the Assisted Reproduction Unit at the Quirónsalud University Hospital in Madrid. So much so that, as this expert points out, one in five children born in Spain is born thanks to assisted reproduction. And he predicts that this figure will increase.

If in the not too distant past unwanted pregnancies were common problems, now many conflicts come from wanting to have children and not being able to. Resorting to assisted reproduction not only involves a considerable economic cost (from 1,000 euros for an artificial insemination to 6,000 euros for an egg donation cycle); On top of that, you have to add the stress and frustration it can cause if it doesn't pay off. A tough ordeal that not all couples survive.

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ForToni (53 years old, Barcelona) it meant the end of their relationship. It all started when he was 37 and his wife was 38. Her sperm weren't running fast enough, so the first phase of fertility treatment was to medicate her to make her more receptive and increase the chances of success. Toni remembers sex at that time as "stressful and artificial": "You had to do it at a certain time and then wait for the next most propitious date. Any hint of spontaneity was contraindicated." Since that didn't work, plan B was artificial insemination with a donor. After three failed attempts, the final option was to adopt abroad, because in Spain it was almost impossible. "The problem with this situation is that you get into a circle that has no end, and if you want to hit the stop sign, then you become the bad guy, the selfish one, the one who doesn't take into account the feelings of others," says this Catalan economist and lawyer. "I was the one who put an end to the relationship, because my partner wanted to adopt three Mexican children (they were brothers and I didn't want to separate them). But I wasn't very sure about putting three people, all of a sudden, into the family; Because, besides, our economy wasn't very buoyant back then."

Araceli Álvarez is a psychologist, sexologist, couples therapist and family mediator. She works at Artea and Aide, two psychology and sexology offices in Seville, and has given psychological support in some family planning clinics, so sheknows in depththe earthquake that many couples looking for offspring must go through. "The points of maximum friction are found in sexuality and communication," he stresses. "In the sexual sphere, there is an abrupt change. Something that, at first, is pleasurable becomes a routine that generates discomfort. It's instrumentalized," he warns.

Gender stereotypes are reinforced in many couples during the long process of assisted reproduction. Halfpoint Images (Getty Images)

If the foundations of the couple are based above all on sex, then it may wobble and fall, due to what Gosálvez calls "military sex" which, paradoxically, does not give the desired results. Many women may feel empty, unable to conceive; while some men can end up with the stallion complex, seeing how their partner no longer wants them for themselves, but what they are looking for are those small cells that move a lot and fertilize the egg. "The frustration of not having children is experienced differently depending on the sex, although there are always exceptions," says this gynecologist, "motherhood is something more instinctive, while fatherhood is a more rational desire. Hence, women experience everything more intensely; the desire to have offspring or frustration, when treatments fail. On the other hand, the cocktail of hormones present in fertility treatments only enhances these moods."

Gender stereotypes, with such a bad press, live their happiest hours here and are reinforced in many couples during the long process of assisted reproduction. "Unfortunately, this is the case," says Álvarez, "I have seen how in some assisted reproduction clinics they advise men that they should be the ones who stay strong, be the pillar that sustains the morale of the couple; as if they had no feelings or emotions. But, in many cases, he adopts this role unconsciously, while she is the one who suffers the most, cries and complains the most. Some men also feel very guilty if the problem in conceiving lies with them. I remember the case of a patient who came crying because his friends were making jokes on him, asking him 'if the gun was jammed'.

What Gosálvez sees most in the consultation regarding gender roles is that men become the mirror, the loudspeaker of women's emotions and demands: "It is a very delicate issue and it has to be treated with great tact. In our clinic we offer emotional support throughout the process and with all the professionals, and we also have a psychologist, if necessary. I always say that I don't deal with two people, but with three patients: the man, the woman and the couple. Because, in addition, when they decide to go to a fertility clinic, most women have already previously self-diagnosed, they have already tried a series of recipes that they have found on the Internet or in fertility forums, where all kinds of legends are told, such as that of putting your legs up after intercourse to get pregnant."

The communication to which Álvarez referred is another of the aspects that are shipwrecked in the storm of infertility. In fact, she advises that in order to embark on this epic it is essential that the couple get along well and have good communication. Otherwise, "it has a good chance of breaking." If the idea that children unite parents is false, the idea that fertility treatments will iron out marital problems is already a fantasy. "Even the most affluent couples are immersed in fights, reproaches, rethinking decisions already made or opinions from family and friends, which only add fuel to the fire. I don't even want to imagine what can happen if the couple starts from a bad communication!" exclaims this psychologist.

If the idea that children unite parents is false, the idea that fertility treatments will iron out marital problems is already a fantasy.

In the face of all this, a new doubt arises: should we tell the process to those closest to us or is it better to keep quiet? In Álvarez's opinion, it will depend on the environment: "If they are the kind of people who listen respectfully and are supportive, yes. If not, no. In these cases, it is necessary to measure the words so as not to hurt sensitivities, since sometimes well-intentioned advice can be interpreted in a negative way. In many cases, rather than talking, the best thing to do is to ask, listen and accompany."

But, perhaps, what leaves the worst taste in the mouth in the process of assisted reproduction are the successive failures. "Failure is intrinsic to the search," says Gosálvez, "but frustration is prevented with truthful information, with a neutral approach that speaks of the possibilities of success and failure. Now there are fertility clinics that advertise themselves as ensuring success or giving money back. I don't think it's ethical, because it creates false expectations. It's not that easy to get pregnant. In fact, the success rates are as follows: for artificial insemination (with donor sperm) 30%; in vitro fertilisation, 50%; and with egg donation, 65%. Patients with very low chances of fertilization or high risk to the child (due to age or other circumstances) should also be rejected. We do it all the time." Another piece of advice that professionals give to couples looking for offspring is that "they must know when to stop; either to pick it up again later or to quit before you end up badly damaged, emotionally, physically or financially."

Maribel (62 years old, Madrid) knew how to put the brakes on. "I got married at 39 and had never felt the call of motherhood. It was my partner who wanted to have children, so I started fertility treatments, which didn't sit very well with me," she recalls. "They left me very tired, so we decided to park them for a while. I think that taking away the anxiety and stress of having children and putting everything into perspective was the best thing. When we gave ourselves one last chance, without much expectation, the flute sounded and today we have a wonderful daughter."

Rita Abundance is a journalist, sexologist and author of the website RitaReport.net.