In an effort to understand the dynamics of successful relationships, a comprehensive study of over 30,000 couples revealed insightful conflict resolution strategies.
A couple of psychologists, who themselves have been in a harmonious marriage for 35 years, present their findings;
In a conflict, the task of those involved is to allow themselves to be vulnerable - to turn attack and defense into self-disclosure and openness.
The language of the 'right fight'
The ability to navigate conflicts in a constructive way is central to maintaining a healthy relationship.
When conflict arises, the happiest and most successful couples use the language of repair and cooperation.
This is something anyone can learn to do.
The key phrases are suggested, from an observation of over 30,000 couples, organized into 6 categories, each serving a unique purpose in reducing tensions and fostering understanding in an escalating conflict.
(The phrases were worded in masculine and feminine language alternately):
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Expressing feelings 'I feel'
Effective communication of feelings is critical.
Use the expressions of the 'I feel' group when it is necessary to express feelings at a certain point.
Examples:
'I'm getting scared now.'
'Please say it more gently.'
'It hurt my feelings.'
'It felt like an insult.'
'Can you rephrase that?'
'I feel misunderstood now.'
Search for composure: 'I need to relax'
Recognizing the point of flooding is important and an immediate corrective response is needed.
Examples:
'I need your support now.'
'Just listen to me now and try to understand.'
'Can I have a hug?'
'it's important to me.
listen please.'
'Can you do things more sensitively for me?'
'Can I take it back?'
The power of an apology: 'I'm sorry'
Apologies play a central role in conflict resolution.
These phrases will help when you need help formulating an apology.
Examples:
'My reactions were too extreme. I'm sorry.'
'I really blew it.'
'I can try again.'
'I want to be fairer to you now and I don't know how.'
'I can see my part in all this.'
'How can I make it better?'
take a break: 'stopping now'
When emotions run high, a break can be helpful.
Use these phrases in a moment of feelings of 'too much' and 'so far', and need a break.
Examples:
'I could be wrong here.'
'Please stop for a while.'
'Give me a moment.
I'll be back.'
'Let's start all over again.'
'Let's think about it for a moment.'
'I feel overwhelmed.
Can we take a break and talk a bit about something else?'
Finding the Middle Way: 'Getting to Yes'
Compromise is key in any relationship.
These phrases are essential when you want to strengthen your partner or meet him/her in the middle of the road.
Examples:
'You're starting to convince me.'
'I agree with some of what you say.'
'Let's compromise here.'
'I never thought of things like that.'
'I think your point of view makes sense.'
'What are your concerns?'
Positive reinforcement: 'I appreciate'
Mutual appreciation is essential.
Do you feel the need to express your sincere appreciation, strengthen the relationship, and create a positive atmosphere?
These are the correct expressions
Examples:
'I love you.'
'I understand.'
'One thing I admire about you is...'
'It's not your problem, it's our problem.'
'Thank you for...'
'I see your point.'
Small phrases, big impact
The study emphasizes that small expressions can prevent significant damage in relationships.
These expressions of 'correction' can range from apologies to expressions of empathy or validation.
Successful relationships depend on how the couple responds to these attempts at correction, with the goal always being to move the conversation in a positive direction.
This research not only highlights the importance of how couples communicate during fights, but also provides practical tools for cultivating and maintaining healthy, long-term relationships.
Dr. John Gutman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gutmanham co-founders of the Gutman Institute - Love Lab.
The two psychologists, married, as mentioned, for over 35 years, are world-renowned for their work on relationship stability and predicting divorce.
They are also the co-authors of 'Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict into Connection' and 'The Love Prescription: Seven Days to More Intimacy, Connection and Joy.'
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