A study conducted in 2013 at the Department of Human Ecology at the University of Alberta in Canada revealed that men who are willing to help with household chores report that their sex lives are much more satisfying, good and active.
This study and many others reinforce what I believe in - foreplay is everything that happens in a relationship, much more than what happens in bed.
I did not invent this approach, it integrates with the Jewish concept of relationships between spouses according to which it is impossible to separate the satisfaction of material needs from the satisfaction of sexual needs.
In a ketubah, for example, the man actually signs a commitment to his wife to provide for her age, her rest and her cover.
That is, the man actually undertakes, in front of witnesses, to satisfy all the woman's needs, which include her material needs as well as her sexual needs.
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Foreplay is everything that happens in a relationship/ShutterStock
The foreplay is a very important part of the way to satisfy the needs of your partner and it can also be a very significant tool in strengthening the relationship, better mutual understanding, building an inclusive, friendly and much stronger relationship.
And it doesn't just end there, foreplay can bridge gaps in sexual desire between the couple or stimulate the side experiencing a lack of desire and thus prevent frustrations, anger and even the dissolution of the family unit.
But when talking about foreplay, many think that it is only in the physical realm and it is seen as something that is done only before sex to arouse the desire of the other party and especially the woman.
Of course, foreplay before sex is important and can stimulate the partners, increase desire and increase the chance that both parties will get out of bed with a smile, but foreplay is much more than that.
To the couples who come to me for treatment, I say that as soon as they finish the sex, the foreplay begins.
When you get into bed, you bring the whole relationship with you: how you talk to each other, how you argue, how you leave the house in the morning, what messages you send each other during the day, how you meet each other at the end of the day.
All these little things, it might surprise you, are foreplay.
When talking about foreplay, many think it's only in the physical/ShutterStock realm
Common challenges in a relationship
There are many reasons why women and men do not feel satisfied with their sex life, experience a decrease in their libido or reluctance to have sex with their partner.
Each couple is a world unto itself and a relationship is always a very complex and delicate matter, but as a couples therapist I meet many couples who come across the same intersections that harm their sex lives and relationships in general.
Here are some examples of problems that many couples face:
Daily communication:
Studies have shown that couples who talk to each other less than half an hour a day are likely to experience difficulties in their relationship and even break up.
Good and continuous communication will help you understand each other better, increase caring and of course improve sex.
Many times, couples who do not communicate well on a daily basis will have difficulty communicating in bed as well.
A woman who does not feel safe sharing with her partner that she is not satisfied with sex, can over time feel 'blocked' and sleep with her partner without desire or refuse most of the time to have sex.
But the lack of communication does not start and end in bed, if we go back to the research according to which men who take an active part in household chores enjoy more sex, this is an excellent example of how proper communication works.
The partner does not ignore the load in the house and does not excuse himself from household chores on the grounds, God forbid, that it is her job.
For her part, she feels that her partner is a true partner in the journey, sharing with her the difficulties and also their sexual relationship will be the mirror for sharing, the concern and the desire for the other party to be satisfied and happy.
Stress and tension in the routine:
Most of us face a stressful routine, long and exhausting working days and cumulative fatigue that makes us just want to end the day and go to sleep.
Financial worries also add to the stress we feel and instead of lying in bed and concentrating on the attractive woman or man lying next to you, you are concentrated on calculating different and strange calculations.
Spouses who hide or do not share financial worries experience double pressure and instead of being comforted by a loving hug, they find themselves avoiding their spouses so that the secret will not be revealed.
Disagreements about children:
raising children, educating them and dealing with challenges and problems are a very important part of a relationship.
Endless arguments about the children's education or, in extreme cases, separate parenting where each parent manages as they see fit, harms the children who can receive conflicting messages, but no less than that it harms the relationship.
Such behavior invites you to a negative cycle of difficult and challenging dealings with the children, as well as frustration and anger that is dragged from the routine into the bedroom.
These are just some of the challenges that many couples face, but the common denominator for all of them is communication problems.
Couples who communicate regularly, coordinate and come to joint decisions will experience a significant improvement in every area of life, including their sex life.
Foreplay is based on communication, understanding and the desire to satisfy the other party, so in many cases they will be the key to a big change in your relationship.
Stop for a moment and check if the division of duties at home really suits you/ShutterStock
the preliminary game
So what foreplay will improve your sex and your relationship in general?
Here are some ideas you should adopt:
Finding the togetherness:
In the sources, the root "to know" is used to describe sexual relations and I think this is an accurate definition.
In order to have good and satisfying sex, you need to know each other, really know each other, love, sympathize and share.
Many times the fast pace of life prevents us from really getting to know our spouse or forgetting what we have already learned over the years.
You can't always stop and go back, but you can learn while moving.
You have busy days at work, send one loving message to your partner during the day and learn what they especially liked.
Think of kind words that will be particularly moving and also here check what the couple was particularly moved by.
If you had a fight, don't leave things open.
Even if all disputes are not resolved 100 percent, the very act of listening and openness, may intensify feelings and sometimes make sex relations better.
Division of duties:
stop for a moment and check if the division of duties at home really suits you.
In most cases, housework is still the wife's territory, but it's not certain that your wife likes it.
If twice a week your partner comes home from work to a clean house, dishes washed and laundry folded, you might find that she will look at you with a little less tired eyes and even rediscover you.
Say goodbye to the phone:
the smartphone is a time and attention eater.
Schedule one evening without a phone or decide that the smartphone does not enter the bedroom with you.
Before you go to sleep, leave your mobile phone in the kitchen or living room and thus create complete intimacy in a place that is only yours.
Schedule a date:
schedule at least two dates a month in advance and spend quality time as a couple.
It can be a romantic evening with a good meal or just a moonlight walk.
You may find yourself looking forward to the meeting.
To move away in order to get closer: the Gemara defines this: "lest he get used to it" and as we all know the habit and the routine can really hurt the desire.
Avoiding intercourse during the entire period of a woman's cycle can be excellent foreplay, because it makes the couple want each other more.
Sex toys:
At the stage when you feel closer and more open, sex toys can diversify and add interest to your sexual relations.
Today you can buy them online and thus save the embarrassment of getting to the store, sit together at home and choose what suits you both.
Treatment:
If you feel that the situation is too complex to solve on your own, sexual counseling can help you get to the root of the problem, talk openly and rebuild trust.
A sexual counselor will accompany you and build a gradual process that fits your pace.
In this kind of treatment, you can also get tips on how to rekindle your libido with the help of little love games.
The author is a marriage and sexual counselor, mediator, bride guide and co-founder of the project "Shaashni Isha".
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