Warning for romantics and fans of Disney love stories: this topic can generate anxiety, cold sweats and tremors, since the topic at hand today is relationships that no longer believe in happy endings, nor do they end in banquets of partridges.
When in 2005 Facebook allowed users to clarify that they were in “a complicated relationship,” few imagined that these types of couples, far from being the exception, would begin to become common over time.
Tinder's 2022 Year in Swype report indicated that young singles were already talking about 'situationships', a casual relationship consensual by both parties, as a valid relationship status.
A year later, the Oxford Dictionary was responsible for once again emphasizing that these types of relationships are more fashionable than ever, noting that the term was the second that best captured the trends that defined the year 2023.
What is a 'situationship' and what are its bases?
“The term merges the words “relationship” and “situation,” so we can translate it as “being in a situation.”
It is a way of relating in which we have something, but at the same time, we have nothing.
We have sex, but we don't have a relationship.
We meet, but it's not a date.
A 'situationship' is a yes, but no," explains Eva Gutiérrez, author of 'If it is toxic it is not love'.
We are also sorry for the enemies of ambiguity, because as we can see, we are faced with an Anglicism that is not very concise and that seems to be intended for the subjunctive and perhaps.
“In this type of relationship there is no room for labels like “couple” or “dating,” because there is no commitment.
They are relationships based on immediacy, the same one we live in our society.
Let's not forget that we are in the era of having what I want here and now.
We live in the “right now”, to the second, and if I don't like it, I throw it away in a single click.
We are in the culture of having lost patience.
Why would our way of relating be different? ”She asks.
Tinder saw a 49% increase in members adding this new relationship intention to their profiles, and more than one in 10 of the young singles surveyed said they preferred situationships
as
a way to have a relationship with less pressure.
The embrace of these relationships that separate friendships from romantic love stories was immortalized on the big screen in
500 days of Summer
, whose protagonists maintain a non-relationship in which he wants a stable partner while she makes it clear in everything moment prefer a type of partner that today would fit perfectly with the definition of
situationship
.
However, when the feature film dates back to 2008, there was not yet a term to define the type of relationship she was looking for.
There is a scene that defines quite well the topic we are discussing today and the relationships it defines.
In the car, on the way to the movie, he asks her one of those scary questions: “What do we have?”
She responds with an elusive “What difference does it make?”
and then tickle him and laugh, creating a space of intimacy in which he feels safe even though her response has not been at all what he expected.
In fact, when his friends later ask him why he doesn't ask him directly if they are dating (which is what he longs for and what he believes they are) and he responds that they don't believe in labels, it becomes clear that the reason why does not want to raise such a question is that he knows perfectly well what she is going to answer, an answer that would mean the end of the
situationship
.
“It is vital to know if the two are pursuing the same goal and if they are at the same point, because if there comes a time when one of the parties falls in love and wants something more but the other does not, it is time to stop and ask ourselves if This type of relationship compensates you.
For me, the most important thing in any type of relationship is to ask yourself how it makes you feel.
Does it make me feel good, at ease?
Or on the contrary, maybe I start to feel uneasy, worried, unseen, insecure... It is very important that you stop with yourself and review how the relationship you are living is making you feel so that, if you see that this type of relationship can harm yourself, you can put an end to it as soon as possible and thus avoid suffering,” says Gutiérrez.
We continue throwing data and darts that can hurt fans of romantic love by asking if these types of relationships are not actually an excuse to run away from commitment.
Eva Gutiérrez explains that precisely what defines these couples is the lack of commitment, because unlike traditional relationships, situationships do not have a formal commitment or an official title.
“The common denominator of 'situationship' is the lack of clear labels and commitment.
There is no clear definition of the relationship, there is no commitment so you may not know if the other person is seeing other people at the same time, or they may only call you at specific times like when they are bored at home, for example ”.
For her part, Flavia dos Santos, a sexologist who collaborates with Gleeden, a platform for extramarital encounters, does not necessarily believe that this type of relationship is a way to avoid commitment.
“Even in 'situationships' you need to have it: you have to set a time, choose a place to meet, be available... It means not pigeonholing yourself into a single way of experiencing love encounters;
flee from a single possibility.”
The pros of this type of (non)relationships and how to know if you are in one
When evaluating the positive points of this type of relationship, it is common for the figure of the fuck buddy to emerge, which dos Santos considers less positive.
“Situationship is better than a fuck buddy, because it gives you the opportunity to find common ground with the other, to exchange and share moments that can be enriching for both parties.
Although it may seem too superficial, I think it can be the bridge to a stable relationship.
“When you have a
fuck buddy
, there is nothing but sex,” he explains.
The psychologist and sexologist Ana Lombardía considers that this type of relationship can be useful and interesting for a time, when, for example, the couple has just met and is seeing if it fits.
“In this way, it allows us not to rush into a relationship that may not suit us or for which we are not ready.
It is important that this situation does not last too long over time, or that one 'situationship' is not chained with another and with another forever, but rather that it is the natural step of the moment of starting to know someone," she warns.
The dating specialists of the dating application AdoptaUnTío, in which the use of the term 'situationship' skyrocketed last summer to reach 15%, have prepared a description of four symptoms that allow you to identify if you are also experiencing a 'situationship' situation'.
Close, but not very
“Those involved in 'situationship' can become exclusive with each other, but they do not usually think about a future together.
It is rather a system without couple obligations,” they explain.
Short notice plans
“The 'situationships' are quite casual and you have to let yourself flow.
This is why if the two sides plan to do something, it won't go beyond the next few days or weeks at most.
The situation is so ephemeral that it would be risky to buy tickets for a festival six months in advance,” they say.
Presentation to friends
“People who have a 'situationship' agree that it is not the best and they are also not sure if it will ever happen.
Making introductions would imply defining the other person as a friend or boyfriend,” they warn.
Type of appointments
“It is true that couples who are in this type of relationship meet and make plans, but not as romantic dates.
They are more about meeting up to watch a movie on the couch and whatever comes up.
The regularity of this type of meeting is not specified by either of them,” they indicate.
Finally (without any partridges in the way, as we already warned at the beginning of the text), we must remember the importance of not ignoring emotional responsibility, which means recognizing and assuming that our actions cause emotions in the people with whom we interact.
“We must be aware of the implications that come with the links we establish with other people.
The million dollar question is what your goal is in a relationship without labels and if your goal is the same as the other person's.
If you have different objectives, things can get very complicated,” says Eva Gutiérrez.
The psychologist and sexologist Ana Lombardía makes an important clarification as a final touch: “We must also remember that the fact that we like someone, even that we love it, does not mean that we have or can be with that person.
Liking someone is the basis, something that has to be taken for granted, but everything else that we build around is going to be essential.
“Love and attraction are not enough.”
And that's why Summer was neither a malevolent woman nor a robot (as the film's protagonist comments in one scene), nor is anyone who doesn't want a regular relationship being cruel, as long as they let the other person know what they meant. wants, seeks and needs.