Tens of thousands of homes in Israel experienced an upheaval following the war.
Along with the already depressed national mood, the exposed nerve endings and the collective prayer for days without "publicity allowed", many households have been functioning for three and a half months without a spouse, husband or father who has been drafted into reserve service, and the cumulative family price is soaring day by day.
The women of the reservists are the first to stand, in most cases alone, at the front of the war for the home.
This has many consequences on the marital relationship, on the family economy, on the continued raising of the children, and especially on the mind that faces increasing levels of stress, anxiety - and sometimes despair.
"90 days without anyone / two days it was nice / get me the magad / I'm already out of klonks", sang the women of the Order 8 in "Great Land", in early January, summarizing the challenge in a comical way. They, like thousands of other women in the same situation, they sent the child to school with a "bed cover", because there is no longer clean laundry, and basically illustrated the fact that without the support at home from the spouse who is called to the service, they find themselves exhausted from continuous days without the physical assistance and emotional support of the routine days.
"This feeling wears off, wears off, and I also miss my best friend," comedian and writer Ravital Witelzon-Yacobs, a resident of Kfar Hara'a, whose husband Nadav was drafted into combat reserve service on October 7, wrote about the issue on Facebook. In front of hundreds of thousands of her followers on social networks Witelzon-Jacobs is careful to shed light on the train of emotions that became the lot of a career woman, mother of five, who juggles worry, burnout, and longing for her husband, whose visits for short vacations from the army also pose charged situations in themselves.
"I miss my best friend."
Ravital Witelzon-Jacobs and her husband Nadav, photo: from the private album
"I'm not trying to be funny, just saying the things that feel right to me, and that helps a lot of women not feel alone," she explains.
Have you gotten used to the fact that your husband is not at home and that you do everything alone?
"I get used to it and I don't get used to it. I live quite peacefully with the daily tasks, I even take some comfort in them. I have one area of difficulty: I insist on not buying meat, and this is a matter of principle. I am ready for the freezer to be empty, but for this task to be left to Nadav when he goes out for dinner. This His, and it's symbolic in my eyes.
"The emotional difficulty I am overwhelmed with comes on Saturdays and the holiday. Every Friday is a new crisis. Without Nadav on Shabbat it is difficult for me, I am in tears. The act of spreading a white festive map - I see it and just start crying. Emotionally it breaks. I take my hat off in front of my servants' wives Establish that you live like this on a regular basis."
Ravital Witelzon-Jacobs.
"Feels boring in front of him", photo: Efrat Eshel
Has the situation created a gap between you?
"The great and deep difficulty is that, in fact, from the first day of the war, we split into two paths and two completely different energy worlds. In the most extreme, frightening and abnormal period, we both experience different lives. He is at the front, with the energy of doing, fighting, team activity and high adrenaline, and we are at the rear with the energy of fear , defensiveness, anxiety, vulnerability, loneliness and helplessness. In his first outings I even felt that I was weakening him, because he was in a completely different place from me."
What is this manifested in?
"When I was in the midst of the difficult videos and articles at home, he was busy fighting, unavailable and disconnected. I remember he came home on the days of the release of the kidnapped, and I cried a lot and told him: 'They didn't bring the redheads back.' He didn't know who they were We, on the home front, already had symbols, while the fighters in the field were not aware of them. This is of course not a criticism on my part, I'm just pointing out that a private, marital, intimate gap has been created between a husband and his wife, and I ask: How will we meet at the end of this thing?
"He also has the best new friends in the reserves, and I don't know them, I'm ashamed to ask. I worry and fear, in a deep sense, for my good friendship with my husband for the last 20 years. Will we have the catch-up the day after, let's come and talk All that happened to each other?"
You can start telling right now.
"No, because compared to him, you feel that what you have to tell is not important. In the back, apparently, everything is ordinary, casual and boring. And anyway, you only have five minutes on the phone with him, so that's what I'm going to tell him now? Is it even interesting?"
Ravital Witelzon-Jacobs: "The deep difficulty lies in the fact that my husband and I are experiencing completely different lives during this period. He is at the front, with the energy of fighting and adrenaline, and I am at the rear, with anxiety, loneliness and helplessness. In his first outings, I felt that I was weakening him."
"Don't be afraid of couples therapy"
Since October 7, thousands of women in Israel have been in the same boat as Witelzon-Jacobs, and many of them write to her, share and report emotional storms similar to hers.
"I write about feelings that are seemingly illegitimate, I understand that this is how they all actually feel, and I save them from pangs of conscience. Girls reported to me that they had a fight with the husband who came home from the reserves, so I write that they are all many now - and it takes away a bit of the panic of 'what a bad woman I am, Only I am Rabbi'. This makes every emotion logical and common to many women."
How are your meetings with Nadav at his after parties?
"There were times of emotional hugs, like 'even in the dark hours of the night...'" she sang, "and there was a time when I just ran away when he came, I felt like the house was suffocating me. Sometimes he came and we fought, and sometimes he came and we left. I learned to accept every encounter between us All right and not to be alarmed. And of course above all hovers the Israeli fear that, God forbid, this would be the last visit, and that makes everything more dramatic."
How do the children enter the equation?
"When there are small children at home, the difficulty is huge. You don't sleep at night, and no one shares the difficulty with you. My heart goes out to women who are pregnant or after giving birth. And also to mothers of children of military age, who have the hardest time."
Do you think there is a fear of a wave of separations or divorces after the war?
"We are, God willing, a generation that is not afraid to speak up and share hardships, and I believe that many will follow the war in couple's therapy. Today there is nothing to be ashamed of going. The package of treatments that the IDF Personnel Division provides is amazing, and it is beautiful.
On the other hand, you never know what will really happen.
It may be that the end people have reached will lead them not to compromise on many things."
The vacation clock is ticking
Amitai Marcus (34) has trouble remembering the last time he visited home from the reserves.
"A week and a half ago...? On Thursday? I was home for 24 hours."
On January 11, after returning to the army from a short leave at home, Marcus published a heartfelt post on Facebook in which he shared the marital difficulty he was experiencing in light of the situation.
"After Talia and I didn't stop fighting the whole afternoon, I said to her: 'I understood what was happening to us. You know that game where someone falls back and a friend catches him? So that's how it is when I come home. I open the door, they say hi, and then we both turn around and fall in the same time'".
Amitai Marcus in his reserve service in Yishuv security. "There are those who hope that the knight on the white horse will appear in the house from the front", photo: Naama Stern
Marcus, a resident of Efrat and the father of three small children, is married to Talia, a project manager at the Mbui Setom association.
He specializes in medical psychology at Hadassah Ein Kerem, and has been serving since October 22 in the reserves in security missions of a community settlement in the Yehuda Mountains.
"Every day is similar to yesterday, everything repeats itself. We know that time moves just by looking at the moon," he explains.
What made you publish the bare post about the marital difficulty you are experiencing during the war?
"I felt that there were many challenges, also in our relationship, and many soldiers around me talk to me about this issue. When you return home, you hear the voices of the women, and rightly so, because they face a very great complexity. No one tells the story from our point of view, the husbands. To In order for there to be communication and mutual understanding here, we need to be heard, and that's why I wrote about it, hoping to bridge the worlds a little."
So what really happens with the men?
"Many husbands say, 'My wife is a queen, I will do anything for her,' but in practice this does not always happen. The knight on the white horse does not appear from the reserve, and there is a clash that leads to fights. There is also not enough time to fight. I go back to the after and the clock starts ticking, and in that time there are gaps Expectations and fights. Every minute that passes I say 'If we don't manage to solve this by the time I return to the army, what will happen?'
Fighting takes time, and we don't have that time.
"The world of the army and the world of home are different, and the transition between them is something to dwell on. When I return home, I am not the real me when I left. You come back different, and this is even more significant for those who are in active combat in the field. To be a soldier, you have to put home aside, actually forget the wife and the children - and then there is difficulty in getting close again.
"My wife said to me after a month and a half: 'We have created a routine without you'. I answered her that I, too, have created a routine without the house. When I go out after, I visit the life of the real Amitayi, it is challenging to be there. I am like a tourist."
Amiti with his wife, Talia, and children.
"I'm like a tourist", photo: from the private album
How is your marital communication during the war days?
"Talia and I talk a lot, we have a video call every morning, we talk when there are crises with the children. I try to function remotely as much as I can. I am the 'help friend' at the moment, my wife's 'phone friend'. I do not ignore the difficulties, but I am only the helper , not the warrior at home like her.
"My wife has created a new routine that helps her function, and I've learned to be less involved. I let her deal with the situation in her own way, I can't preach or tell her what to do. We don't make decisions together now. In parenting, my role at the moment is only to back up, which is a change from the situation that was First. At some point she told me, 'You can't visit my life and tell me what to do' - and she's right. Any intervention of mine only weakens her."
What is currently helping you get through the period?
"I strongly believe in giving words to the marital struggle. Men don't always say what they feel. There is something vague about war, and my ambition is to make what we go through accessible to ourselves and the other side. Coordinating expectations and talking about things will help, but above all we need to understand that there are two sides here.
"As a woman, did you hope that the knight on the white horse would come to you from the reserve, who promised to do this and that, and in fact you went to bed and you are frustrated and angry? We can talk about it. Both parties need to understand the complexity, which is what leads to conflict and quarrels. My friends are going through marital and family turmoil, laws They have changed at home, and they fight with the children. This is a recipe for a lot of misunderstanding and confusion on both sides."
Amitai Marcus: "The world of the army and the world of home are different, and the transition between them is something to dwell on. When I return from the army, I am not the same person. My wife told me: 'We created a routine without you.'
In your opinion, will the war bring a big wave of separations?
"Every crisis challenges couples. In research it is called a 'risk factor' - and the war is such a factor. Will there be breakups? I rather hope there will be a baby boom wave. But there could be a wave of breakups. There are a lot of uncoordinated expectations and a lack of understanding, and work needs to be done About that".
Are you and your wife currently in therapy?
"We are in therapy around our parenting, and that's where marital issues come up. There is an expression from a song the psychologist gave us: 'Give me a minute to get used to you again.' The therapy helps us, because sometimes we have no words and everything is loaded.
"What is amazing is that the State of Israel has realized that couple therapy is a basic need in the current reserve days. Today it is part of a basket of services that the state provides, which is exciting in my eyes. People should not be afraid to seek treatment. I recommend seeking it if necessary."
They feel that everything is about them
Roni Maoz, a marriage and family counselor who accompanies couples in crisis and difficulty situations and couples before divorce, also believes that the current crisis period offers an opportunity to grow.
"Getting out of circles of fights is a skill that can be learned. Don't lose hope even if it seems to you that all is lost. There is no shame in turning to marriage counseling," she says.
Roni Maoz.
"When the husband returns, he 'interferes' with the new conduct and feels rejected and does not belong", Photo: Efrat Eshel
Maoz identifies "very large gaps" in the perceptions of men and women during the war.
"October 7th changed our lives and brought with it anxiety, great uncertainty, concern for the abductees and soldiers and fear of the difficult situation in the country. It affects all of us on a personal and marital level as well.
"Many couples are now in a pressure cooker, and the crises are growing. Many were recruited under Order 8, and the spouses were left at home alone with the children. The frustrations and anger come out, and the relationship and communication between the couple is not good. Women feel that they are collapsing when everything is on them - managing the house, the children and the work. They feel transparent and that there is no appreciation for their actions. There is fear and concern about the situation, along with a great feeling of loneliness.
"The children, for their part, cry, miss, want their father, and the mothers feel that they are 'bad mothers', that they have no patience for children, that they have no air. Then, when the partner comes home - they have to take care of him too, instead of him helping and being a partner ".
What is the men's version, on the other hand?
"Men share the complexity of being a fighter, explaining that they must be focused on fighting and that they are unable to concentrate on the children and the relationship at the same time. They feel that when they come home after work they are rushed at home, they don't have a single moment to really rest. The partner wants them to immediately get down to business and start helping at home And with the children. On top of that, they raise the difficulty of changing habits and boundaries at home. They feel that they have less ability to influence the children and the way of education, which creates anger and tension with the partner."
Roni Maoz: "When the partner is not found, the children cry, miss, want their father, and the women feel that they are 'bad mothers', that they have no patience and that they are out of breath. Then, when the husband comes home - they have to take care of him too, instead of him helping and will be a partner again"
Can it be said that the war brought distance between couples because of the reserve service?
"Yes, and I see it in the clinic. There are couples for whom the house runs better precisely when the partner is not around. Everything is easier and flows for those who are relaxed, there are no fights over educational approaches, for example. Then, when the husband comes home, he actually 'interferes' with the new conduct of the house - and feels rejected and does not belong. On the other hand, there are men who are in the reserves and do not feel homesick. They prefer to stay far away."
There is no expectation that once the couple reunites everything will be wonderful and passionate like in the Disney movie?
"In this matter you can say that expectations are separate and reality is separate."
Does this also concern the pressure to have intimate relationships during the holidays?
"Yes, the men come back for a short time and need contact to feel close to their partner - this is a physical and emotional need. There are women who miss and are also waiting for this intimate encounter. On the other hand, there are women who feel that they are collapsing under the load and don't feel like it, or women who feel distant, mainly If the relationship was in crisis even before going to the reserves."
How do you overcome such a gap?
"Talking, hugging, trying to create a romantic atmosphere before going to bed. And yes, sometimes it's worth trying to overcome the difficulty and be intimate together - to preserve the relationship."
Maoz shares the concerns about an expected wave of separations and divorces following the war, concerns that she defines as real.
"This is similar to what also happens in the periods after the holidays, when the tension between the spouses increases. Couples who were in a bad situation before the war - often the rift will grow and intensify.
"Also, following the situation, the bereavement and the general loss of life all around, the feeling arises that we should act according to the motto of 'You only live once' - that is, we do not want to suffer but to live in a good and happy relationship. That is why there is a desire to break free from the binding relationship and go on to conquer the world." .
Combat fighters in the reserves receive a subsidy of NIS 1,500 for couple therapy from the Ministry of Defense. This is an amount that will be enough to cover three or four meetings. Is it enough?
"The very fact that the state recognizes and supports the need for couples therapy is a very important advance. In my opinion, it would be great if they gave it to all couples, and even encouraged the participation of the insurance companies in couples counseling. Although the process of couples counseling is long and takes time, it is a good start to Motivate to accept responsibility and handle the crisis."
Maoz offers several tools for handling the crisis: "First of all, understand that what you are going through is normal in a situation that is not normal. Second, forgive yourself, and each other, and take a deep breath. Patience and understanding are required that it will take time for things to return to their normal course. And third, and this is one The most important things in my opinion, to ask for help and support from the environment while the partner is in the reserve. This will give air to breathe and allow not to be alone with the difficulty.
"It's important to learn to accommodate each other, to choose the quarrels, not to insist on anything, to limit what is possible, and not to take into account who did what. Try to look at all the good things you have in your relationship - the love, the friendships, the lovely family you have created. See what is works, and what the partner is trying to do, instead of being busy only with what he is not doing.
"Another important thing is to create intimate time for the two of you. Sit together in the living room with candles and pleasant music and share your feelings. Any activity as a couple can be closer. Take a time out just for yourself, without the children, take a walk, look into each other's eyes and talk."
Sleep with the kids
"I worry about my husband all the time, the level of tension is unbearable. It's constant anxiety, because the situation is either 0 or 1 - either he answers my phone or he dies," says Dr. Michal Prince, a resident of Jerusalem, a sexuality researcher and couples guide to married sexuality 22 years for Gilad, commander of an administrative assistance company in the reserves.
"The anxiety level is very high, and you have to deal with it. In the age of 'publicity is allowed', I am mainly challenged by the feeling of uncertainty. When will he return, when will he be released, when will he receive the next draft order. He went back to sitting and was constantly on the phone, because Jump them, then the plans you built in your head are also lost. You think what's next. And if, for example, there is a war in the north?"
Dr. Prince with her husband, Gilad. They enlisted in the reserves a day apart from each other, photo: private album
Gilad was transferred to the reserve service on October 7, while Michal herself began serving in the reserve in the casualty wing a day later.
"Whole days can pass between our conversations, and even then they are short. He is in his world, and I am in mine. In the first week of the war, we did not communicate at all. This is something I also knew in his previous reserves, but now there is no final deadline for the situation, and it is already going on More than three months."
What helps you both cope?
"Fortunately, I was able to ask for help from the first moment. I understood that in order to maintain the house and the family we need more support. In our case the community lends a hand, but I felt it was okay for me to ask for the help. I know that many women take time to get to that."
Are there tasks at home that are waiting only for him?
"Nowadays I take on positions that I normally refused to take. I changed a flat tire, for example, because I had no choice, but I don't open clogs in the sink. There was a clog that waited for Gilad for two weeks, even though I could call a plumber in the meantime. Of course, I can't fill his paternal position either, that the children are missing right now."
And in the meantime, are you sleeping diagonally?
"For the first two months, the children slept with me, every night a different child, because I saw that they needed it. In the last month, I turned my bedroom into a fortress, and I close the door and sleep diagonally. By the way, I noticed that when Gilad came back on vacation, he brought another volume with him. Without it, 'quiet' At home, and suddenly he speaks in the volume of an army and orders."
How do you manage the afters together?
"I set a procedure for myself: I let him sleep for two days and don't expect any communication, and after 48 hours he wakes up and returns to us. Now I run the procedure over and over again, because he's finished, but after a few hours it turns out that he's called up to the army again. My girlfriends complain, And rightly so, 'Who cares about the fact that we are emotionally and physically finished, and in front of the children? We don't have the strength anymore'. We all feel that with us, the wives of the reservists, we will not have conversations about processing emotions, and the social legitimacy to convey difficulty will not be there to the same extent either."
Dr. Michal Prince. "The anxiety volume is very high", photo: Efrat Eshel
Don't jump right into sex
As a researcher of sexuality, Prince examines the war from other aspects.
"In the third week of the war, I spoke with the psychologist rabbi Ilaei Ofran about the issue of physical hugging as an issue of soul control. We dealt with the question of what happens when the husband arrives after a long time in the war and the couple is 'forbidden', that is, they are in a period of the month when they are not allowed to hug.
"I thought it was possible to try to treat the damage of the war by turning to the language of the body. And the question in the future will be how we build intimacy, trust and the ability to love out of the high stress, the distance and maybe even the anger. Sexuality and intimacy are really related to this. I hear from women, and also from men, that this should be done Gradually".
That is, not immediately jumping into sex when the husband returns?
"Men need an anchor, a home, and a sense of security from the physical aspect. Women, for their part, need peace and ease to be there in full presence. At the same time, the question also arises, 'How can I be intimate with my husband when my friend is mourning her husband, when there are abductees in Gaza, and when there are women who have been sexually assaulted? There are women who are unable to have relations at the moment, because they feel the general desecration of the female body.
"The story will be to recognize it, talk about it and give it space, and above all to do things slowly, and not as a task or as a commitment. Maybe it's even an opportunity to return to the days of the beginning of the relationship, when first of all we sit on the sofa, hold hands and just cuddle, and only when we feel it's right - we'll open up for more options".
Dr. Michal Prince: "I am now taking positions that I normally refused.
I changed a puncture, but I don't open clogs in the sink.
I waited with it for Gilead, even though I could have called a plumber.
And of course I can't fill his fatherly place, which the children lack at the moment."
Arguing over goulash soup
Noa (pseudonym), 32 years old, upset, on the verge of crying.
She accidentally left the house after forgetting something important, had to return, a whole hour's drive away, and she still has a full day of work, traffic jams and picking up the children from the preschools.
"What am I even traveling for?"
She shoots in frustration.
She has been married for four years, mother of two toddlers.
Her husband has been in the reserve since October 7.
"He was drafted on Black Sabbath and we met again for the first time only after two weeks. Nowadays I see him about once a week, but he goes in and out of the strip a lot. The house is crazy."
Noa also finds it difficult to deal with the constant feeling of uncertainty.
"The hardest thing is the fear that something will happen to him. It's living in existential fear, waiting until 6:00 in the morning for 'permission to publish' and praying at night that they won't knock on your door. It's impossible to explain the degree of anxiety. I told him, 'I won't live without you,' and I I pray, even though I'm not religious.
"Meanwhile, the house is in disarray. The older boy, who is two years old, stutters, cries and pulls my hair. What will I tell him - mom also cries non-stop? I buy him a small gift every day, but he understands everything. When my husband calls and I cry, he tells me: "Mom, you're sad"
Noa: "The war broke the whole balance of power in the house. In the past my husband was active and helpful and my father was present, and now he goes back and goes to sleep. We fight non-stop after dinner. I know he's smart, caring and warm, but he doesn't see the things I go through without him."
What happens when your husband comes home?
"It's madness. It's immediate to vent, because he really needs it. I'm less. It's hard for me to talk to him, because he also knows that I can't contain the stories he brings. I see that he's changed. He's not the person he was before the war. He He went out with friends on one of the vacations, and when he came back he told me that he didn't have fun with them, because he feels that they no longer have a relationship.
"He is also different in front of the children. When our baby screams, he gets up and goes to the other room. He can sit on the couch and yell at the child: 'Go away, I can't see you.' He never spoke to them like that. One time I caught him checking the window In the bathroom, the habit he adapted in Gaza, when making sure there are no terrorists."
Have you considered going to therapy?
"I talked to him about it. I'm in personal therapy, but my husband is currently unable. He says: 'Why start now, I'll be back in Gaza in a moment.' high, I've had many friends killed, and the number of encounters and people we've killed is huge'. So you just keep quiet and tell yourself it'll be fine."
And do you believe it will be?
"The war broke the whole balance of power in the house. Previously he was a very active and helpful husband and a present father, and now he is not. When he comes back - he goes to sleep. We fight non-stop after dinner. I know he is smart, caring and warm, but he doesn't see things that I am passing
"We recently fought over goulash soup. I was going to make it for him at night, because that's what he asked for, and I wanted him to see that I was thinking about him. The goulash was ready, but by the time he came back for 48 hours, most of it had already been eaten at home. He was terribly angry that I let others eat it. As far as I'm concerned, he didn't understand that in order to prepare the goulash for him, I didn't sleep or shower, and I also have piles of laundry to take care of. I was really upset that he didn't understand me."
It is doubtful whether you would fight over goulash on normal days.
"True, these are fights that we don't fight on a daily basis, because they are nonsense. In the end, I understand his pressures, and I know that he appreciates and respects me. And by the way, he also apologized for the goulash."
shirz@israelhayom.co.il
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