We have always been told that a man has more libido than a woman, but more and more couples approach me with the opposite problem, the woman is the one who is more frequently interested.
Gaps in sexual desire can create a difficult problem in a relationship, but there are various solutions that will improve your sex life and, just as importantly, the communication between you, in any other area.
A woman is a sexual creature no less than a man and the myth that all women have a lower libido than men is simply not true.
As in many other subjects, here too passwords and generalizations do not work.
Sexual desire is not a button that you press and it immediately starts working and sometimes it is not even directly related to the act itself but is much more complex and related to more emotional reasons.
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The jokes we all know about the "booking headaches" that come Just before getting into bed and the man tries to initiate relations, sounds much less suitable for the younger generation of proactive and aware women, and the legitimacy that femininity has today in this respect as well, has changed the picture.
But the differences in libido between men and women exist, and they can greatly damage the relationship, create frustrations and anger between the spouses and even lead to separation.
What is important is to understand that there is no 'secret button' that can be pressed to instantly arouse desire, but there are definitely ways to bridge the gaps.
"There is no secret button"/ShutterStock
Judaism understands women
In the Jewish marriage ceremony, the man signs a ketubah in which he actually 'commits' to his wife to provide for her age, rest and cover.
That is, the man undertakes to satisfy all the woman's needs, including sexual and emotional satisfaction, whenever she wants.
According to Judaism, it is the woman who dictates the rhythm of intercourse.
It can be understood from this that even in the Jewish tradition they are aware that a woman's desire can be stronger than a man's.
(Otherwise they would have required the woman to be with her husband and not the other way around).
Having said all that, how did the myth that men always want more than women become so entrenched?
The reason for this is mainly that the "desire mechanism" works differently in women and men.
The desire is there, both in the man and in the woman, but you need to know how to help him wake up.
Studies show that the level of secretion of the testosterone hormone in women is produced in two pulses during the month.
Two days before menstruation and during ovulation.
In contrast, the level of hormone secretion in men happens every 72 hours.
But does this mean that this is why women have no libido?
So it's not.
Because beyond the spontaneous desire that exists and is felt in the body with the feeling of I want and feel like it, there is also a reactive desire - the desire arises in response to an act or a word that the man says when the woman feels loved and when the partner is nice to her, helps her and invests in her, then in response the desire arises in her.
To arouse desire, you have to learn to talk about it/ShutterStock
the preliminary game
The greatest enemies of libido are routine and busyness.
After years of living together, children, livelihood and work, many couples report a decrease in libido and the solution offered to them is to diversify and break the routine.
When you talk about diversity, you immediately think of accessories, role-playing games or some who decide to open up the relationship.
But the most effective and exciting diversity comes precisely from looking inward and not outward, deepening the acquaintance with the spouse, deepening the intimacy, with this acquaintance comes trust, openness and a better acquaintance of myself with the spouse.
There is always something to learn and sometimes the intense routine makes the relationship more "operational" and less deep in emotional recognition.
So here are some examples of diversity that works well:
Open and honest conversations: the basis of intimacy in a relationship is to be in a place where we can be exposed with our pains and fears and concerns without fear that the partner will laugh, belittle or tell others.
Many women experience conversations, listening and emotional understanding as a mechanism that arouses openness and trust on their part and gives room for the sexual desire to awaken.
Talking about our sexuality: There are all kinds of reasons why women avoid talking about the subject with their partner, but the fact is that many women find it difficult to talk openly about their desires and preferences in bed.
Over the years, they can accumulate frustrations, lack of satisfaction and even complete avoidance of intimate contact.
Of course, there are also men who find it difficult to talk about the issue or who can feel threatened by the fact that their partner expresses dissatisfaction.
In any case, in order to stimulate the sexual desire, you need to learn to talk about the subject openly.
Stop for a moment and check if the division of duties at home really suits you/ShutterStock
A little to miss: the abrasive routine does not add to sex life and sexual desire, or as the Gemara defined it: "lest he get used to it", it is known that constant pleasure is not pleasure!
The meaning is that even if it brings us pleasure if it happens all the time it has already become a habit and hurts our desire, therefore Judaism gave us the tool of family purity which offers us a period of 12 days to miss and during this time to work on the marital relationship from my friend's place and make the couple miss and desire each other More.
Cell-out: The cell phone is a known attention eater, so so that you don't find yourself chatting on WhatsApp again instead of referring to your partner, leave it outside the bedroom.
So in fact, you create complete intimacy between you and your partners in a territory that is only yours.
In conclusion, what is important is to understand what arouses the sexual desire in a daughter or partner, and that it is individual and varies from woman to woman.
Every woman and man is a whole world and if you want to improve your emotional and intimate relationship.
Invest in the process and come to it with an open heart and without prejudices.
The author is a marriage and sexual counselor, a mediator, a guide for brides and the founder of the "Shaashni Isha" project.
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