An oriental story tells that a very renowned sumo wrestler who accumulated many trophies married a young woman and began sleeping with her in the marriage bed.
After one or two months, the athlete began to undergo a transformation.
He felt tired, without strength, it became increasingly difficult for him to train and he began to lose in tournaments.
He went to the doctor who, after several sessions in which he carefully examined him and studied his case in depth, came to the conclusion that the loss of energy came from sleeping alone.
Unconsciously, the sumo wrestler, who did not want to crush his delicate and small wife, limited the movements that he did in his sleep and that helped him relax and release tension.
Thus, it was prescribed that, after having sexual relations with his wife, each spouse sleep in separate beds.
After following these tips, he regained his energy and returned to being the great fighter he had always been.
Sleeping together or separately is beginning to be a topic of debate among couples, who are no longer obliged to the marital duty of sharing a bed.
Especially if the phase of falling in love has passed, if the couple has already reached mature age, so falling asleep becomes an increasingly delicate matter, or if the nighttime habits of both are incompatible.
But, assuming that health comes first, what is better for a restful sleep? Sleeping alone or with someone?
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In principle, if what we are talking about is sleeping and not having sex (very different things), the optimal thing would be to have as much space as possible.
A bed for only one in which there are no barriers or lumps on our way to rest, but this is not always the case.
“There are many studies that demonstrate the emotional benefit of sleeping with someone.
How hugging or physical contact with another person promotes sleep and the production of serotonin and dopamine,” says neurologist Cristina Guijarro, head of the Department of Neurology at the DKF Clinic, in Madrid, and specialist in sleep disorders.
“But also,” he continues,
“Close contact with others, at all levels, skin and genital organs, benefits our intestinal microbiota, which is replaced and enriched;
and our immune system, which must work and get into operation to neutralize all types of unwanted microorganisms.
Obviously, this works if there is attraction, affection, trust in the couple.
It's like little children, when they sleep with their parents they feel safe and protected."
Sleep has several stages, some more dynamic than others.
“In the first phase of sleep the body is not relaxed, but rather makes physiological movements that are totally normal, except in those people who have some pathology, such as the so-called periodic leg movement disorder.
In the REM phase, however, there is muscle relaxation but a lot of brain activity.
This is when dreams appear,” says this neurologist.
Spending the night together can intensify feelings of love and togetherness, but it can also disturb sleep;
which, in the long run, can negatively affect the couple's relationship. SeventyFour (Getty Images/iStockphoto)
If we move when we sleep, the equation of
more space equals better sleep
does not seem far-fetched.
However, Guijarro argues that having a
king size
bed does not necessarily guarantee that you will sleep better than the couple starring in the series
Cuéntame
, in their narrow and almost claustrophobic marital bed.
“I would say it's a cultural thing.
There are tribes that sleep in small hammocks, hanging from trees.
Throughout history the beds have varied.
Some beds were really narrow, and that didn't make people sleep any worse.
It's a matter of getting used to it;
Although of course, those who sleep in a large bed, if they later move to a small one, they will notice it.”
As he points out, restful sleep depends rather on what is called sleep hygiene: “A series of conditions necessary for a good rest that, basically, are: darkness, silence, an adequate temperature, more cool than hot.” .
In addition to not eating or exercising before going to sleep;
"Nor drinking too much, because we will wake up to go to the bathroom."
Could it be that we love each other less?
Sara, 44 years old, Madrid, lived until 2021 with a partner she is no longer with, and they slept in separate rooms.
At that time, she was a staunch defender of
sleeping apart together
or what has been called “sleep divorce.”
“It was very difficult for us to sleep together;
but this started before I stopped having sex.
I remember that we would go to a hotel and we could have sex, but then, at bedtime, it would be difficult to fall asleep together, that's why we used to request rooms with two beds.
He was the one who suggested sleeping in separate rooms (fortunately the apartment allowed us to do so) and, at first, I felt bad (he doesn't love me anymore!), but then I breathed a sigh of relief.
When we finally separated, I continued with my syndrome of spending the night alone to the point that, if I had a sporadic relationship, it was difficult for me to share the bed later if he stayed the night.
I thought I was condemned to spend the nights alone, until I met my current partner.
As if by magic, all my manias and discomforts disappeared and now we always sleep together, hugging.
I love getting up and having someone by my side;
or wake up, discover that the other is also awake, and have a transcendental talk in the middle of the night.”
Sara's conclusion is blunt: “The body expresses our emotions long before we are aware of them.
We become picky, fussy and unfriendly at bedtime because we no longer like company.
I am very clear that in my case it was like that.”
It seems, therefore, that in good couples sleeping together strengthens the relationship and the microbiota.
Another question is how you spend the night when you don't have that degree of complicity or infatuation;
which does not necessarily indicate that a divorce must be requested.
In this case, putting a little ground between the two when night comes can avoid problems in the relationship.
This is the conclusion reached by a study,
Sleep and Partners Research 2023
, carried out by The Better Sleep Council, which indicated that, although most couples maintain that they sleep better if they do it together, a quarter He says he rests more alone.
Spending the night together can intensify feelings of love and union, but it can also disturb rest;
which, in the long run, can negatively affect the relationship.
Sleeping together, a recent idea
The royalty and upper classes of the 17th and 18th centuries knew this and each spouse had their own bedroom.
It was the lower classes who slept together due to lack of space in the houses.
As a consequence of the plagues and epidemics that devastated Europe, hygiene became a priority for the inhabitants of the 19th century.
So many experts of that time believed that the key to combating diseases was to eliminate dirt in homes and maintain distance to avoid contagion from the miasmas emitted by the bodies.
Thus, twin beds were seen as a vision of the future to solve these aspects for middle-class couples.
Insomnia is not contagious, but there is no doubt that disturbances in one's sleep affect one's bed partner.Westend61 (Getty Images/Westend61)
But, the idea about marriage changed after World War II or, perhaps, the casualties of deceased soldiers had to be repopulated and manpower was needed.
The point is that sleeping apart began to be interpreted as a sign of a distant or failed marriage;
and no one wanted to give that impression to their neighbors when they were invited to dinner and shown around the house.
“Many couples still maintain this prejudice,” observes Gloria Arancibia Clavel, a psychologist and sexologist with a consultation in Madrid.
“Or they think that by sleeping apart they are going to lose that physical connection and the opportunity to have sexual relations.
Maybe that 'pious relationship' of when one wants and the other doesn't, because he is very tired and in the end agrees, is not so frequent.
But, sleeping together does not necessarily mean there will be a better sexual experience.
Sometimes it is good to miss each other and for quality to prevail over frequency.
Furthermore, being separated can give rise to numerous games, visits or
assaults
on the other's bed."
For Arancibia everything depends on the phases of the couple themselves: “At the beginning of a relationship there is always more desire for permanent contact;
But a good relationship is based on two independences that come together and negotiate things.
There is no reason to put up with snoring or certain pathologies that prevent a good rest for the sake of love;
because, ultimately, that is going to take its toll on the relationship.
There are also intermediate modalities such as sleeping separately during the week and sleeping together on Friday and Saturday nights, which can be very interesting,” says this sexologist.
Cristina Guijarro remembers the proverb that warns us: “Two who sleep on a mattress become of the same condition;
which is not to say that insomnia is contagious, but there is no doubt that disturbances in one's sleep affect one's bed partner.”
It is also said that how we spend the night will determine how our day will be.
You must, therefore, look for the night menu that best suits your needs and desires;
and don't forget that you can also have sex in daylight.
Rita Abundancia
is a journalist, sexologist and author of the website RitaReport.net.