Hatumai Moshe 27.6, chapter three/Walla Sheee
During times of war, couples face different challenges, especially couples where one partner has an anxious attachment style and the other has an avoidant attachment style.
These are the two most extreme styles on the scale - the avoidant partner tends to withdraw as a defense mechanism, prioritizing self-reliance over intimacy and emotional closeness.
In addition, those who avoid may avoid emotional conversations and prefer to face difficulties alone and seek solace in self-soothing and distancing techniques.
On the other hand, it can be worse, and that is if the avoidant's partner has an anxious attachment style.
The anxious, who anyway needs much more fasting, experiences increased emotional flooding during war or crisis and will look for security and love in the chaos of reality.
The anxious person's anxiety intensifies, the fear of abandonment increases, and while he withers from a lack of reassurance and emotional connection, the avoidant partner feels the "movement" of the anxious person, and reacts to it with suffocation, defensiveness, and a little more withdrawal.
The gap between the need to respect the boundaries of the avoidant and understanding the needs of the anxious is growing, and in the end the ability to bridge these two will decide successfully to maintain a healthy relationship during this period.
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Next, there's the sex.
Or there is none - during times of war it is common for couples to experience different levels of sexual desire.
One partner may feel an increased need for sexual intimacy as a way to seek comfort and connection, while the other partner may experience a decrease in desire due to stress or emotional detachment.
For example, an avoidant partner may distance himself from his partner and rely on self-pleasure as a means of emotional regulation.
This can leave the anxious partner feeling abandoned, as the avoidant partner will choose self-pleasure over shared intimacy.
On the other hand, an anxious partner may have an increased need for emotional and physical closeness during challenging times, and will seek security through sexual intimacy.
The avoidant partner may withdraw and avoid physical contact, which will lead the anxious partner to feel abandoned and disconnected.
Closeness in a relationship is as important as ever, but equally boundaries are the foundation of a healthy relationship, especially when it comes to intimacy and sexuality.
It is important to understand and respect the partner's need for personal space and distance, and without pressure to give them the freedom and time to process feelings at their own pace.
Additionally, recognize and respect your partner's avoidant tendencies, and assure them of your patience and willingness to listen when they are ready.
Create a safe environment based on acceptance and understanding, without judgment or criticism.
Encourage open communication, which allows the partner to express his feelings and needs.
Remember that each person's sexual needs and boundaries are unique, especially during times of war.
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For your anxious partner, providing unwavering support and presence is essential.
Actively listen to your partner without judgment or criticism when they share their fears.
Acknowledge and acknowledge his concerns, even if you may not fully understand them.
Calm him down, make it clear to him that feeling anxious during such turbulent times is normal and normal.
Let them understand that you don't judge them or shy away but understand and empathize, and thus allow them a safe space to express themselves.
Think of a relationship as a sailboat navigating rough waters.
Even if you and your partner can't always rely on each other to be the sole source of support during storms, that doesn't mean your relationship is weak.
There will be moments when you are both pulled by turbulent waves, focused on your own challenges, and unable to provide full assistance to each other.
However, this does not necessarily point to a flaw in the relationship itself, but highlights the importance of finding additional support systems to help you weather the storms and stay together.
Just as a sailboat relies on a stable hull, sails, and skillful navigation to navigate rough waters, seeking outside resources such as couples therapy or trusted friends can provide the extra support needed to navigate the challenges in your relationship.
It is essential to approach the situation with empathy and understanding that different levels of sexual desire can arise in times of war, and that this does not necessarily reflect the strength of the relationship.
Open and honest communication is key in finding alternative ways to maintain emotional connection and intimacy, even if routine sexual activity may be temporarily affected.
Remember, seeking outside support does not mean your relationship is weak, but reflects your commitment to overcoming obstacles together, and ensuring a smoother journey forward.
The writer is Rina Lahav, certified sexologist and MSW marriage therapist
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