Hookup and dating apps have changed the way we seek sexual and emotional relationships, but they have also opened new avenues for toxic behaviors that are as old as relationships themselves.
The ease of meeting people also brings a new fragility to the bonds that are established.
Not only is there so-called
ghosting
, that is, disappearing without explanation from one day to the next (according to a study by the Canadian University of Western Ontario, 72% of the people surveyed had suffered from it), but also deceptions about one's own identity or identity. dishonesty by not making it clear if the other person is seeing other people.
One response to these new fears that arise before going on a date with a stranger is the emergence and enormous popularity of Facebook groups known as
Are We Dating The Same Guy?
, that is, “Are we dating the same guy?”
These groups exist in various countries around the world, Spain among them, and are organized by cities (they exist from New York to Bogotá, from Barcelona to Madrid).
They were born with a simple purpose: users uploaded images of their male Tinder dates to make sure they weren't seeing more people at the same time, a quick way to check that they weren't wasting time betting on a relationship.
But they quickly became something else: a place in which not only the initial question was answered (if someone else was dating that man in question), but where experiences and opinions of each of them began to be shared, seeking create a place that, as a result of sisterhood, alerted other women to the behavior of certain men, exposing what the new generations call
red flags
: a warning of problematic attitudes or behaviors.
These groups are private.
To access them you must first fill out a survey and wait for the administrators' verdict.
And they have various rules, among which is the prohibition of giving personal information about men or exposing their surnames or addresses, as well as (in the style of
Fight Club
) not taking screenshots that show what is being said in that group and display them outside of it.
Nuria Moreno, a privacy lawyer, tells ICON that the error, at least in Spain, begins from the very conception of the group: that moment when the image that a person has uploaded to a dating application is shared.
Legally in Spain, by European regulations, although someone has published a photo on a social network and therefore has expressly authorized the terms of use, in reality the image has been authorized only for use on that specific platform.
“You can't take a photo and do whatever you want with it without express authorization,” Moreno details.
“If you use data that can be identifiable about a natural person and you do not have express authorization to do so, you cannot say what you want about that person publicly.
A fundamental right is violated.
Although these groups are private, they still use data from natural persons.”
Moreno points out that Spain is a greater guarantor of privacy protection than the United States, where there is no single federal law that regulates data privacy, so there is no standardized protocol and there are legal loopholes that leave users exposed. against possible risks to your personal information.
The TripAdvisor shadows of love
This kind of affective TripAdvisor, born from an intention as legitimate as alerting women to possible dishonest intentions of the men they are dating, was initially well received.
The Guardian
said last year that these groups “offer a sense of camaraderie in a confusing and often lonely landscape.
“There are so many posts thanking other women for their support and trying to organize meetings like horror stories and red flag emojis.”
The British newspaper expressed an interesting caveat: “All groups welcome only women who date men.
Asking what reaction would arise if it were the other way around would distance us from reality: women are a higher risk group in that context.
But there is no doubt that the existence of men's groups publishing details about women would be much more controversial."
That same year, media outlets such as
The New York Times
also received them with a mixture of curiosity and benevolence: “These groups give women a feeling of security.
Their messages act as endorsements, like Yelp reviews for potential partners.”
Of course, that article already warned that "they are increasingly criticized for toxicity, defamation and ignoring privacy issues."
Tinder has become one of the means to find a partner, with also negative consequences.Getty / Collage: Blanca López
The rules of these groups are strict.
In one in New York, where there are several groups in areas with thousands of users each, you can read: “This group is to protect women, not to judge men.”
And, of course, access is prohibited to them.
However, it is enough to enter any of them to see that it is common for some men to gain access to report, precisely, that they are being judged and that the information shared about them is false and is damaging their image.
Others find out about the situation when an acquaintance, who is part of the private group, discovers that the person she is talking about is her friend and tells him/her.
The man who sued the group
Sometimes, some of these men turn to justice, as is the case of Nikko D'Ambrosio, who on January 11, in the District Court of the Northern District of Illinois, became the first man to take one of these groups to court.
D'Ambrosio sued 27 women, one man, Meta and other social media companies for more than $75,000 in damages for claiming to have been subjected to defamation,
doxxing
(the act of exposing a person's confidential and private information online ) and invasion of privacy, also indicating that the statements made in the Facebook group have affected his reputation, as indicated in court documents obtained by
Today
.
“Thousands of men have been potentially defamed by group members through these online publications,” the lawsuit says, “and remain unaware of the attacks on their person as a result of the private status of these types of groups and the list of allowed users, strongly moderated.”
His lawyer, Marc Trent, of Trent Law Firm, explains to ICON via Zoom that following the popularity of the case they are “receiving calls from men from different parts of the world whose lives are being destroyed.”
And then he explains the injustice that was committed with her client: “A woman uploaded a
post
to the group in which she called him a psychopath.
This is not defamatory
per se
, it is free speech, so you can't sue.
However, other people commented on that same
post
indicating that our client is a sexual predator and uploaded a news item referring to the conviction of another completely different man.
They put this news under the image of our client, with the police image of this sexual predator, who has been convicted, and they have assured that they are the same person.
“That is defamation,” he explains.
It is not just men who feel that these groups are not only failing to fulfill their original legitimate objectives.
A message from a woman named Erin points out that she is dating one of the men she is “bashing” in one of these groups and claims that none of the accusations fit at all with how he really is.
“I joined the group because they told me they were talking about a man she was dating,” Erin tells ICON.
“I wanted to see what was said about him.
At first she was scared, but then I realized that she was believing what strangers said, instead of trusting the man she was meeting.
“Then I looked at the published information objectively and realized that most of the things being said were distorted truths.”
Erin alleges that these groups no longer fulfill the initial purpose with which they were born.
“We have to start separating facts from opinions, recognizing that not everyone is perfect and that just because a relationship doesn't work doesn't make someone a bad person.”
What happens in the
app
does not stay in the
app
Added to the fear of toxic behavior are fears of violence, which has also found its place on dating apps.
According to a study by the Federation of Young Women, “60% of users have felt pressured to maintain relationships and up to 21.7% claim that they have suffered a violent sexual assault.”
Thus, although these types of groups have been criticized for the lack of veracity of judgments made about the men they are talking about, the enormous popularity of these spaces and their rapid spread throughout the world demonstrates the growing concern that exists for security. in online dating.
Alba Durán,
marketing
director at the dating app Bumble in Spain, confirms that the platform is aware of the existence of these groups, but that, “at the moment, we do not proactively monitor the private social media groups in which Discussions may occur about behavior on our platform.
However, people who have been harmed can report it to Bumble through the app or our
online
form , regardless of whether or not they have an account with us.”
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