The teacher and trainer of teachers and parents - helps parents develop skills to educate their children.
Paul Dix (London, 53 years old) became a publishing phenomenon with
When the adults change, everything changes
, a book not yet translated into Spanish that since 2017 has sold more than 150,000 copies worldwide. the world.
In it, the British professor gave an account of his method to generate radical changes in the behavior of children and adolescents in schools and institutes.
He now reports on his experience working with teachers in
When Parents Change, Everything Changes.
(Today's Topics, 2024).
In this new volume, he proposes in a simple, empathetic way and with a great sense of humor the emotional control of mothers and fathers (changing, for example, shouting for conversations, punishments and bribes for proportionate consequences) as the first and necessary step to change the climate. at home and the most challenging and disruptive behaviors of children.
“There is growing evidence that emotional parenting that results in systematic yelling at children is problematic.
Dysregulated children need regulated adults,” Dix says via email.
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ASK.
His new book,
When Parents Change, Everything Changes
, is based on a previous title that emerged from his experience as a teacher.
Teaching and raising, educating in the classroom and at home, do they have common points?
ANSWER.
Yes, they have one very important thing in common: in both environments, adult behavior is absolutely fundamental.
In addition, the things that make a big difference in the classroom (reinforcing the positive, setting clear limits, having agreed-upon routines, or providing a consistent response to bad behavior) are also essential at home.
Q.
Your research in both books is based on your personal experience as a teacher and as a father.
Is it more difficult to apply the theory at home, with your own children, than in the classroom, with other people's?
A.
Of course.
It is more difficult with our own children because their every word and action directly impacts our emotions.
Great teachers handle their students without the extremes of emotion, they have learned to respond rationally and dispassionately (even to the worst behaviors).
Once you learn to achieve this and apply it as a parent, you can then face your worst moments by staying calm and recognizing your children's best behaviors with love.
Q.
“Everything starts with your emotions,” he writes.
One has the feeling that emotional education is in fashion.
A.
There is a great movement in favor of this breeding.
And not because it's fashionable, but because it works.
There is growing evidence that emotional parenting that results in systematic yelling at children is problematic.
In the UK, too many parents still rely on harsher approaches, but all children deserve to be surrounded by adults who can educate them without allowing their own emotions to cloud the lesson.
Dysregulated children need regulated adults.
Plus, you don't have to choose between having a good relationship with your child or having a well-behaved child.
You can have both.
Q.
The most important step of all, you say, is to commit to stopping yelling.
Why do mothers and fathers continue to shout so much if it is something they know from their own experience that does not work?
A.
Because it seems right to us.
Parenting can be exhausting, so raising your voice is intuitive and seems like the quickest shortcut to peace.
But good behavior management is counterintuitive.
You don't teach a child not to yell by yelling at him.
Quite the contrary.
You may stop the behavior right away, but you are storing up problems.
What to do when the screams stop working?
What do we turn to then?
If you yell at your child every day, something has to change, and maybe that something is you.
Parents do not have to choose between having a good relationship with their child or having a well-behaved child.
You can have both, as Paul Dix explains.Brooke Fasani Auchincloss (Getty Images)
Q.
How to avoid screaming?
A.
When a child yells at you, talks back, or is rude, it may be best to focus on the instruction you wanted to give him rather than his protest.
We can choose to breathe and delay our reaction, but we must be clear that consistent parenting means that we will have that conversation when things calm down.
Q.
“A lot of parenting is improvisation,” you say.
And improvisation leads to chaos, just the opposite of the coherence you claim.
What consequences does this improvisation have?
A.
Improvised punishments are usually incoherent and always disproportionate.
It's the reason why parents find themselves saying things they can never do: “You're never going to leave the house again!” “If you do that again, I'm going to ban you from the computer forever!”
When you're under pressure as a parent you need a plan, not a three-second window to make up something that sounds threatening.
Improvising your way of parenting may seem like a wild adventure to you, but to your child it can be inconsistent, unfair, and unpredictable.
That is not the basis of a good relationship.
Q.
What is consistent parenting?
A.
An upbringing in which there is a plan, some routines, a way of responding to bad behavior and fantastic behavior, a script for difficult moments and another to reflect on afterwards.
Consistent and coherent parenting is rational, logical and makes sense for your child.
I'm sure it won't take long for it to make sense to you either.
Q.
We have talked about calm and coherence.
The third pillar of his method is what you call “Positive and Relational Parenting.”
Implying?
A.
Pay attention to the positive behaviors and actions of our children.
I propose doing it often and subtly, gradually reminding them of their best behaviors, their best selves.
We will get more of the behavior we notice the most.
That is why we must look for the positive in our children.
Every day.
Q.
You do not agree very much with classic punishments.
“The ferocity of the punishment does not determine future behavior, but it could determine your future relationship,” he writes.
Failing that, it suggests proportionate consequences.
How are they different from a punishment?
A.
Proportionate consequences may include a sanction, but will also be accompanied by conversations that allow the child to reflect and learn about their behavior.
Restorative conversations teach better behavior.
90% of any punishment should be the conversation.
If you rely on punishment to teach, you will teach bad lessons.
For example, how to be more elusive or how to avoid getting caught.
Punishment is not a good teacher, structured conversations are.
Q.
Is this method for new parents or is it never too late to change?
A.
It is never too late, regardless of the difficulties or the age of our children.
Recently, for example, a father of two adults, ages 25 and 27, told me that he had used the “this is how we do it here” strategy, which consists of opting for consistency.
For example, if we decide that we cannot eat on the couch in our house, it is not good that the next day we see our children on the couch eating and not tell them anything.
You have to be consistent.
This father applied this strategy when his children went to spend Christmas at home and he told me that it had worked wonders for him.
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