“
I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you drive,
I hate your haircut and what I felt.
I hate your hideous boots and that you know me well.
I hate you until I vomit, I hate that you know how to think
and make me laugh.
I hate that you make me suffer,
and I hate that you make me cry.
I hate being alone so much that you haven't called yet,
But I hate more that I can't hate you, even if you're so crazy,
Not even a little, I have to try.”
This is the poem that the character played by Julia Stiles writes in honor of the character played by Heath Ledger in
10 Things I Hate About You.
The film and the poem, both inspired by William Shakespeare's
The Taming of the Shrew
, stand as another example of how pop culture, literature and poetry have always fueled the myth of those couples who detest each other while attracting each other. , a curious dichotomy that, at least in fiction, always results in a happy ending in which love conquers hate.
However, Marta Ridaura Alfayate, a psychologist specialized in family, couples and trauma, wants to give a warning: “In these types of stories, at the beginning both of them hate each other at the beginning of the relationship, so they start from a toxic and power dynamic. between both, but the way in which it is shown to us makes it portrayed as that ideal that we all want to achieve and that is part of the game of seduction,” he points out.
Social psychologist Justin J. Lehmiller confirmed that this curious and paradoxical attraction is very common when launching a survey to write his book,
Tell me what you want
, in which he explores the fantasies of thousands of people.
The study revealed that 31% of the 4,175 people surveyed said they had had sexual fantasies about someone they disliked at least once, while 3% said they had these thoughts recurrently.
But how is it possible that we sometimes desire someone we dislike?
Responds Marta Ridaura Alfayate.
“First of all, we have to consider that someone's physical attraction or sense of humor can be attractive to us, even though we may not like the person emotionally.
This is because the dopamine, adrenaline and serotonin that we secrete when we are physically attracted to someone are maintained even if we dislike them,” she says.
He points out that, in addition, we must take into account that the emotions, whether hate or frustration, that lead us to dislike that person, can be very intense and can generate a dynamic of competition or emotional tension that makes the person desire or closeness increases.
“To all this we must add the
fact
that, sometimes, we project our needs outwards.
That is to say, if I feel frustrated in my relationship or not cared for, it may be that I don't like that person who does take care of me or takes care of me, since this makes me reflect on the things that don't work in my life," she adds.
There is no doubt that there are times when arguing with someone brings us closer to that person.
This is also believed by Juan Muñoz, author of
Arguing is healthy (if you know how),
who explains that although conflict is inherent to interpersonal relationships, since childhood we have been educated to avoid it.
“Arguing (understanding that arguing is the ability to speak from our emotions to reach common agreements) means letting people see you (knowing your opinions, desires and goals) and making an effort to see the person you are talking to.
Learning to argue means learning to show yourself to the world genuinely and build relationships from there.
Thus, learning to argue is an act of self-love and affection for the other person: I want to tell you what I think and I also want to know about you, I want to see you completely.
“Is there anything that can bring us closer than this?” he asks.
However, when we ask if differences in character and mentality can make others more attractive, there is a difference between the short and long term.
“In the short term we can feel attracted to people who have traits that we would like to have.
For example, if I am a very shy person, I may admire another person who is super outgoing and feel attracted to him or her.
If we understand the couple as a team that strives to function together, I consider it positive that each member has differences in character, as long as these differences are used to build something together.
In the long term, we must evaluate whether these differences are aligned with the values that move us, since we will hardly be able to maintain a relationship based on daily communication (in which we can argue in a healthy way) with a person who has values diametrically opposed to ours. ours,” he warns.
Hate sex:
when hate enters the bed
When talking about paradoxical love-hate relationships, it is impossible not to talk about the so-called
hate sex,
a type of sexual relationship in which two people come into play who are attracted to each other, but who, at the same time, dislike each other.
“When we talk about
hate sex
, we are referring to those passionate sexual encounters in which you have relationships with people who, although you are attracted to them, you don't like them.
And don't deny it, it is something that is possible.
Let's not forget that sex is a form of communication, so it also allows us to express emotions, from hatred to joy or sadness," explains Ridaura Alfayate, who emphasizes that sex does not always need a positive emotional bond, although It does require a bond, that is, that we find things that make us feel attracted and desired.
“In addition, those power games that usually occur in
hate sex
tend to attract us more, increasing the desire we feel and, therefore, leading to an exciting sexual encounter, even though we don't like it,” she says.
The psychologist delves into the way in which some studies have analyzed the relationship between sexual relations with people we dislike and self-sabotage.
“I would like us to be able to approach it from two points of view;
On the one hand, that of control, and the power that is perceived in those situations, in which what is exciting is the idea of the pain or the control that is obtained from that relationship.
And on the other hand, when we have a negative perception of ourselves, we often enter into relationships out of the need to feel valued externally, because we cannot recognize our own value and we need someone else to do so.
Although those “others” do not attract us, or do not make us feel respected.
For this reason, it is essential to be able to consider going to therapy when our relationship with ourselves focuses on self-punishment, or high internal criticism,” she adds in conclusion.