With the arrival of children, married life is no longer what it was.

A joke says that the greatest difficulty of parenting is this: not getting divorced.

It's true.

When we like someone, and they move our hearts, and change our insides, and we can't think about anything else;

We're not looking at their diaper-changing expertise.

What we are after, if we are young enough, is to take a

road trip

along the coast of Cádiz and end up in any cove watching the sun sink into the Atlantic.

Have wild sex more frequently than average.

Go to the movies and then have dinner at a dirty place (and then return to wild sex).

No one imagines signing a mortgage in front of the branch manager when he admires the brilliance in the eyes of the person in love with him.

- I can not live without you!

More information

Paul Dix, teacher and parent trainer: “If you yell at your child every day something has to change, and maybe that something is you”

Then, with the arrival of the creatures, daily life in the love

nest

becomes something else, taken over by the logistics of the reproduction of the species.

One can't quite believe what existence has become and the responsibility comes with a slap in the face, even though the baby is adorable (and thank goodness he is).

Tiredness and desperation in the face of endless tasks strain coexistence.

I remember the fear and the overwhelm.

There was no space, no time, nor desire for jokes and tenderness.

The magic was dissolving.

We became

muggles

.

—Put that there.

— You have to buy such.

—Did you call that one?

- This is missing.

It's something you have to go through.

It is not uncommon for couples to distance themselves or break up shortly after their offspring are born.

It's not wrong to break up if life is unbearable.

As I grew up in a broken and unhappy family (they are all in their own way), I have preferred to try a peaceful traditional family.

What helps me when disagreements arise is to think that the problem is not the couple: the problem is the challenge that arises, and that we must learn to manage.

I believe that conflicts arising from upbringing can be solved with will, negotiation, communication and a rational organization that does not leave too much to chance.

Pragmatism above all.

It sounds easy, it is not so easy.

But it is very sad that people end up fatally due to logistical reasons.

In her recent book

All the Rage

(Captain Swing), psychologist Darcy Lockman (recently interviewed in this newspaper) emphasizes that parenting and household tasks continue to fall primarily on women, although everyone already knows that it is unfair. , and, very notably, even in the most conscientious progressive couples.

We parents go over the topic more, even though we are big-mouthed feminists.

I see it a lot around me, and I see it a lot in myself: I try to always be alert, I don't always succeed.

Even if I am alert, I am often overwhelmed by deep-rooted cultural inertias: there are countless generations that functioned with certain gender roles and that is what we have grown up with.

On the other hand, biological processes such as pregnancy and lactation will always be heavier for the mother.

And at certain stages the little ones are more demanding of mom.

It's as if everything were conspiring in one direction.

That's why you have to be on guard.

Something that I observed when the girl was born, although I only realized later, is that Liliana acquired a spider sense that made her see in 360 degrees and high definition when it comes to care.

The famous mental load.

I was more confused, like I didn't quite understand what that was.

—You have to think transversally!, he told me.

I didn't even realize that I didn't realize a lot of things.

Mothers feel very alone for this reason.

I suppose that Liliana, who had gestated for nine months and had given birth, was much more in the reality of things than I, who had lent a little hand from the outside, surprised by that shiny belly that did not stop growing.

Parents learn much more slowly, and there has to be that willingness to learn and understand the mother's burden, which is not always the case.

Parents also have the feeling that if we don't worry about something, the mother will always be the last safety net.

She will always be there.

Thus, mothers live with the enormous pressure of knowing that they are the last safeguard for the survival of their children.

After me, chaos.

Curiously, good motherhood is taken for granted and goes unnoticed.

If a father lifts the slightest bit of a finger for his children, it is possible that he will be considered a hero, like the Trojan Hector lifting his child into the sky.

A distribution of tasks that is as equitable as possible is essential for the well-being of the couple.

I believe that perfect 50% co-responsibility is practically impossible (the physical and emotional involvement of mothers can never be equaled), but it is a utopia that helps us walk.

A good idea is to negotiate this distribution of tasks and leave it in writing, down to the last details (if you leave something to chance it is very likely that someone you already know will end up doing it): a feeling of justice is generated, a document to which you can appeal. in case of conflict, and helps organize everyone's head.

We have those

Tables of the Law

hanging on the refrigerator and, although the events of life mean that they are not strictly followed, they provide a certain stability, like the Spanish Constitution.

(Funny thing: Darcy Lockman found that even in couples where the work is perceived to be shared equally, women usually do two-thirds.)

For family well-being, it is also essential to empty our heads from time to time of the responsibilities of parenting, to leave spaces through which the couple's relationship can breathe: we are parents, but we are also other things.

There was a time when our desire was a

road trip

along the coast of Cádiz, twilight, dinner in a dirty place, wild sex.

Now we are a team that has to grease itself to move the

guajina

forward , in a soft climate of love.

To unclog our heads, we made it a rule not to talk about these matters (we call it “dispatch”) after twelve in the morning.

Of course, it's impossible, and the conversation in question, with their diapers, their schedules, their bananas, their meal plans, always emerges like bubbles in water:

— Let it be said, it's three o'clock and we're eating!

You can follow Mamas & Papas on

Facebook

,

X

or sign up here to receive

our biweekly newsletter

.