What do I do when I feel like yelling at my child? Four experts give their advice

To scream or not to scream.

This situation is a constant in the daily life of any father or mother.

If in the past yelling at your children was seen as something normal, now doing so is frowned upon, not only by society, but also by scientific evidence that has ensured for years that screaming leaves consequences on the physical and mental health of the little ones. .

For example, a study published by Harvard Medical School in 2015, called

Yelling at Children Is Comparable to Physical Punishment,

concluded that “yelling (defined as yelling, cursing, or insults) can be as harmful as physical punishment for children.” the long-term well-being of adolescents.

Another more recent one, prepared by the University of Cambridge in 2023 and titled

Population heterogeneity in the developmental trajectories of internalizing and externalizing mental health symptoms in childhood: differential effects of parenting styles,

determined that physically punishing For young people, regularly yelling at them or isolating them increases the risk of developing long-lasting mental health problems.

There are also many experts who have been sounding the alarm for years.

For example, Paul Dix, parent trainer, who in a recent interview published in

Mamas&Papas

stated: “If you yell at your child every day something has to change, and maybe that something is you.”

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Paul Dix, teacher and parent trainer: “If you yell at your child every day something has to change, and maybe that something is you”

With all this information, many parents feel negative emotions, such as guilt or regret, when they yell at their children;

a situation that has led specialists in disciplines such as psychology or education to propose different guidelines to face this moment that is sometimes difficult to control.

Proposals that range from leaving the place you are in to get some air to learning to channel anger to prevent it from happening.

But how do parenting experts act with their own children?

Can they not scream?

Four specialists explain how they behave at home beyond theory.

Ruth Alfonso Arias, early childhood educator

Ruth Alfonso Arias, teacher: “It is true that I do not usually scream, but that does not mean that I never do it.”

Early Childhood teacher Ruth Alfonso Arias (45 years old) is also a certified Positive Discipline educator for families.

She has three children, a 13-year-old girl and 9-year-old twins.

“Without a doubt, what drives me the most are the conflicts between my children.

I find it the most complex thing to manage and resolve, despite being aware that arguments between siblings are common and should be considered something positive,” she says.

As she explains, another situation that pushes her to the limit is having to tell them every day to do what they already know they have to do: “Shower, homework, brush your teeth, etc.”

My children's favorite word is: 'Wait', they always have something more important to do.”

And he recognizes that his most favorable time to lose control is at night: “After the accumulated fatigue, this is undoubtedly the moment in which it is easiest for chaos to break out, to raise the tone or simply scold them for things with the ones that at another time of the day I would have had more patience.”

“It's true that I don't usually scream,” he continues, “but that doesn't mean I never do it.”

She recognizes that when she is very stressed she does not always manage to control her tone of voice, “especially when I have repeated things several times and everything remains the same.”

When this teacher yells at her children, she usually regrets or feels bad for not having handled it correctly: “When I make a mistake, I talk to them and apologize if I have failed in some aspect.

I think it is important to make them see that we all make mistakes and we must recognize that we have done wrong.

This helps us repair situations and learn.”

Alfonso sometimes thinks that to have avoided it he could have retired and breathed: “Or delegate to my partner when I notice that I am close to losing my temper and make more time for myself, for example, to exercise or simply rest.

When you are parenting it is important to have those moments to recover and reset.

Reduce demands on myself and on them;

"Nothing happens, for example, if one day they don't have a healthy dinner or eat it later, sometimes it is not possible to get everything done."

Sonia López, teacher, educational psychologist and lecturer

Psychopedagogist Sonia López's advice is that parents learn to breathe and anticipate loss of control.

Psychopedagogist Sonia López (48 years old) is also the author of

The Privilege of Living with a Teenager

(Ed Destino) and has two teenage children, ages 16 and 18.

“Accompanying two teenagers with serenity is not an easy task because it is a very challenging stage for families.

That they postpone their responsibilities (for example, leaving the house without having picked up the room) or that they try to jump over the limits that we have agreed upon (such as with the time of arrival home) are the two situations that generate the most conflicts.

And, without a doubt, they cause me to sometimes lose patience and end up saying things that I regret,” says López.

“In these situations, and I don't always succeed, if I feel like I'm about to lose my temper and scream, I try to get away from the problem until I can lower the revs.”

When both parties are calmer, López tries to analyze the behavior that is not correct, share the emotions that are generated in those situations and look for possible joint solutions so that it does not happen again: “Being aware that none of the inappropriate behaviors of my children have the objective of bothering me, but they are the fruit of their brain, it helps me not to react incorrectly towards them and to be more patient.”

López's advice is that fathers and mothers learn to breathe and anticipate the loss of control because, as he explains, it is essential to not end up shouting or saying things that one instantly regrets: "In situations that I have not been able to stay calm and I have ended up yelling, lecturing or labeling, when I manage to calm down and analyze the situation with perspective I apologize without feeling ashamed.”

Rafa Guerrero, psychotherapist specialized in childhood

Psychotherapist Rafa Guerrero recognizes that over time he has learned to adjust his expectations in the activities he does with his children.

Rafa Guerrero (42 years old) is the author of books such as

ADHD.

Between pathology and normality

” (2021) and

Menudas tantrums.

How to Manage Behavior Problems Respectfully

” (2023).

This psychotherapist has two children, ages 5 and 7.

“A couple of weeks ago, at a conscious parenting conference in Guatemala, a teacher asked me what was the biggest challenge I had faced as a parent.

Without hesitation, I told him that, at times, I tended to idealize the plans he made with my children,” says Guerrero.

“If the plan was to go for a walk in nature or go to the beach to spend the day, I used to think of idyllic plans that with two small children are difficult to fulfill, since they are not free of conflicts, arguments and bad moments,” he explains. .

The expert says that this discrepancy between what he imagined and what was really happening generated a lot of frustration in him, “which caused constant anger, shouting, and disappointment.”

Guerrero recognizes that over time he has learned to adjust his expectations to the activities he does with his children: “In such a way that, although they are not ideal or perfect, they are more similar to what is expected of two small children.” .

As he explains, in these moments of imbalance it is difficult to control the cry and desperation: “For this reason, the key is to know child development closely and adjust our expectations to the plans we make with them, no matter how simple or routine they may be. be, like going to dinner at a restaurant.”

Eva Bailén, engineer

Eva Bailén: "I remember my son had a tantrum. I tried everything. I tried to get him to get up, to stay calm, but it didn't work and in my overwhelm I couldn't stop the screams."

Eva Bailén (49 years old) successfully led the campaign to rationalize homework in 2015 and has three children, ages 17, 19 and 21.

“The worst situations I remember occurred when my three children were very young.

Above all, after the birth of the third, at which time there were no more hands to take care of them all,” she says.

“The one who drove me the most was my son—the middle and only boy.”

“I remember one day when we were doing renovations at home when he had an uncontrolled tantrum.

He was lying on the ground, on top of the dust from the construction sites, kicking, without realizing if he could hurt himself.

These episodes were usually overcome by holding him in your arms and giving him a kiss.

I tried.

I tried to get him to get up, talking to him calmly, but it didn't work and in my overwhelm I couldn't avoid getting angry or shouting."

Bailén admits that later she was left with a bad body, although it was impossible for her to control his nerves.

When they grew up a little, he and his little sister often quarreled.

“One afternoon, after listening to them argue for a long time, I thought that my daughter's crying sounded too loud, even for her, and I went to see what was happening between them when I discovered that he was just giving her a smack that seemed excessive and I yelled at him very angry.”

To her surprise, the girl went from crying to laughing, and even defending her brother: “Even today they remember that day and laugh at the situation and my anger.

Maybe the smack wasn't that big of a deal.

The truth is that I believe that, if I had not intervened calmly, they would have reconciled perfectly."

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