They do not want the same practices, they do not agree regarding the number of meetings, they do not dare to put into words everything that is happening to them in private.
What happens and how can this type of
sexual incompatibility
be solved ?
There are some fundamental premises when addressing this problem, although it is necessary to clarify that there are no magic or universal formulas.
With this reservation made - and as long as there is a will to resolve the situation - consensus, communication and negotiation can be mentioned as essential elements.
Milena Mayer
, urologist, andrologist and sexologist at the Italian Hospital of Buenos Aires, explained to
Clarín
that, with respect and consent as pillars of sexual pleasure and, taking into account that “you cannot force anyone to do something they do not If you feel like it, it is interesting to understand why the person is not interested or available to a certain practice.”
Your tastes vs mine
Postures, roles, costumes, exchanges, threesomes, non-traditional, "allowed" scenarios and others are presented in the list of possibilities that a couple can face.
The reasons why someone is not open to certain
sexual practices
can be multiple: a bad previous experience due to lack of information, fear, ignorance, modesty, pain, guilt, unconscious rejection strategies, bonding discomfort and hormonal problems are some. of those that the doctor detailed.
Understanding the reason for resistance to a certain practice is key.
Photo illustration Shutterstock.
Whatever it is, the specialist highlighted, understanding the reason for the resistance is key, since after visualizing the problem, it gives rise to the possibility of
negotiating
and testing based on that.
In that sense, Mayer referred to sexuality as a dimension that
is not static
, rigid, identical throughout life.
“It is important to be flexible, to be very attentive to trying practices and seeing what we feel, since our tastes can change as the years go by.
Maybe what I liked before, I don't like anymore now
,” she exemplified.
In those couples where these types of concerns arise, mutual understanding will be crucial to maintaining a healthy relationship.
“
Committing
to our part of the negotiation, accessing creativity and surprise, and providing game alternatives can help alleviate discomfort,” she added.
Negotiation and survival
Given these disagreements, the future of the relationship will depend on the structure and dynamics of each link.
Photo illustration Shutterstock.
Faced with this disagreement in the area of sexuality, not all couples survive, nor do they all separate.
The future of the relationship, Mayer noted,
will depend on the structure and dynamics of each link
.
If the decision is to continue, it will be necessary to surrender to negotiation and compromise and “
try to understand the needs and desires of the other
, looking for intermediate solutions that satisfy both.”
The sexologist emphasized that “ continuous
communication
and mutual
respect
are essential to overcome differences.”
In this framework, it is advisable to ask for professional help to find personalized tools according to the relational dynamics, avoid the progression of discomfort and “the exponential anguish that comes with not reaching agreements.”
Communication and respect, essential to overcome differences.
Photo illustration Shutterstock.
“
The importance of sexual intimacy is an absolutely personal experience
.
When two people come together we have to understand how important sexuality is for me and for the other to understand where we stand and thus build together from a more assertive place,” the doctor mentioned.
Regarding the place that sex has within a relationship, he responded: “There is no individual equal to another sexually.
There are people who care a lot and there are others who don't care so much.
Without a doubt, having intimacy with our partner (beyond the coital situation, which is what we usually associate it with) greatly improves communication, connection, mood and, therefore, the
bond
.
"Being intimate with our partner improves the connection, the mood and, therefore, the bond," said Mayer. Photo illustration Shutterstock.
7 recommendations for full sexuality
Pleasure as a lifestyle, communication and degenitalization of sexuality are some of the recommendations that Mayer (on Instagram, @concienciaysexualidad) listed to face this problem:
Self-management of pleasure as a lifestyle
: it is important to manage some small situation every day that connects us with pleasure and the senses.
Have a coffee, a soak, a meditation, contact with nature or whatever you prefer.
The goal is to get away a little from the thought and the result and start living daily pleasure with less guilt.
Pleasure as a lifestyle, communication and degenitalization of sexuality, some of Mayer's recommendations.
Photo illustration Shutterstock.
Courtship and conquest
: this attitude, which usually fades over time, should be a continuous exercise throughout the entire relationship.
Positive communication
: it is an efficient way to guide our pleasure, which is why it is also necessary to guide our partner to this communication.
In this framework, placing more emphasis on “yes” than “no” will be better received.
Degenitalize intimacy
: genitality is not synonymous with sexuality.
Going to sleep cuddling and sharing that intimacy is having a sexual encounter in itself.
Kissing more
: Kissing can have several benefits, such as releasing stress-reducing endorphins, strengthening emotional bonds, and improving the immune system.
They can also help increase feelings of well-being and happiness.
Courtship and conquest should not fade when the relationship is old.
Photo illustration Shutterstock.
Generate appointments
: a meeting alone according to the frequency that the couple arranges is also a good strategy to connect.
Consult with a professional
: Going to a suitable health specialist, either as a preventive measure or when there are already symptoms of sexual discomfort, is ideal, without waiting for the bond and intimacy to deteriorate.