What is a toxic grandparent and its influence on family harmony

Grandparents are not always endearing and tender, there are also manipulative and conflictive ones that can create discomfort and family confrontations.

However, they are a fundamental figure who can provide grandchildren with valuable information based on their life journey.

“They tend to be role models, caregivers and playmates, and experience adds a degree of wisdom to their teachings with children and grandchildren,” explains Montse Díaz, psychologist at the Centro Integral San Lorenzo, an expert office in Madrid.

But the expression “parents are there to educate and grandparents are there to consent” can clash with reality: “This phrase continues to do a lot of harm today because you can end up spoiling your grandchildren or exceeding the limits of the parents' rules.” child,” clarifies the psychologist.

Díaz explains that toxic grandparents can discredit parents by urging them to disobey them, which confuses the child: “They can also take over parenting by making decisions or actions without counting on the parents through manipulation and guilt, which can create family friction.”

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When someone provokes negative emotions in their environment, they have a toxic attitude.

“These are people who are not very empathetic, because they assume a leading role in relationships that is not real, they belittle the ideas of others or they appropriate responsibilities that do not concern them,” describes psychologist Gema José Moreno.

These grandparents, as José explains, usually do things that they have been expressly told not to do, for example, feeding the child, as well as confronting the members of the couple involved in the child's education or subtracting authority from the parents. parents.

The appropriate attitude of grandparents in the family scenario would depend on knowing how to set limits.

“These are necessary because they provide security and allow us to live in harmony, respecting all family members, whether they are blood or not,” adds Díaz.

The position of parents regarding grandparents

The attitude of parents with respect to their parents must be clear and firm so that all family members fulfill their role without exceeding their functions.

“Parents have the right to make mistakes, to allow, to limit;

to educate their children as they see fit.

It is advisable to communicate positively, without reproaches and without judgment, but clearly, what are the insurmountable things that one cannot give in to,” clarifies Díaz.

A grandchild who has a grandparent who focuses only on himself because he has a narcissistic and self-centered attitude suffers the consequences.

“He is a minor who is not developing fully, because he does not receive the attention or positive reinforcement that he needs.

Generally, these older people want to be right with respect to any rule that is established in the family unit, so there will be different orders for the little one, which will cause confusion,” says José.

This psychologist argues that contradictory guidelines can be given regarding the same action and minors will want to satisfy the adults in their environment to avoid consequences, so it is possible that in the end they end up ignoring everyone's rules.

In addition, the absence of limits on the part of the grandfather will also influence other issues: "They can lead to favoritism with some of the grandchildren in particular, which will harm the self-esteem of the others or the disavowal and devaluation of the role of the parents who do not respects his educational style,” adds Díaz.

The appropriate attitude of grandparents in the family scenario would involve knowing how to set limits.freemixer (Getty Images)

What attitude does a good grandfather have?

“He is the one who cares with love and puts the well-being and happiness of his grandson above all else and not himself.

"He knows how to respect the educational standards chosen by his children and avoids interference with the couple to offer them help for whatever they need," describes José, who recommends that the elders of the house have an open attitude to participate in the development of the minor with the in order to provide a safe and respectful space for the child.

Recommendations to avoid the toxic attitude of grandparents

The fact that grandparents are older and more experienced does not mean that they can impose their rules.

“We must remember that inappropriate, distressing or disrespectful behavior on their part cannot be accepted,” says Díaz.

Parents can follow some guidelines to ensure that the role of grandparents in parenting is adjusted and balanced within the family.

The psychologist Gema José Moreno José points out the following:

• Explain the functions and the role they play;

  what orders they can give to children and how to communicate with them.

• Avoid talking about the past to say that in your time things were done differently and adapt as much as possible to the reality in which we live.

• Honestly express, if applicable, that the emotions they generate in the family are not appropriate for the development of their grandchildren.

• Avoid discrediting in front of the child what the parents tell their child.

• Supervise the grandfather's company and visits when he does not comply with established limits because the objective is the child's well-being.

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