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More than 20 visitors came to the Ilse Kubaschewski House in Starnberg to hear Angelika Wagner's lecture on Monday evening.
© Photographer: Andrea Jaksch
“A long farewell in installments”: Under this heading, Angelika Wagner (74) from Söcking reported on Monday at the Ilse Kubaschewski Foundation in Starnberg about her husband’s dementia.
It was a moving testimony to a family and care story.
Starnberg - "I forgot that I'm so forgetful." Haindling's song touches the heart, as it expresses the entire helplessness of a person suffering from dementia.
Angelika Wagner (74) from Söcking chose the song as the introduction to her lecture “A Long Farewell in Installments” and told around 30 listeners in the Ilse Kubaschewski House that evening her very personal story about her husband, who suffers from dementia.
Peter Wagner, a lawyer by training, an enthusiastic jogger who liked to go to the opera and began studying for senior citizens after he stopped working, increasingly behaved very strangely.
Around 2014 the situations increased.
“My husband ended a long friendship out of the blue or he didn’t want to let our children into our house while we were in transit because they were soaked in the rain.” A health check with a computer tomography, however, only showed “age-appropriate” values, his Diabetes was well controlled and early heart failure was being treated.
A “horror trip” to Madrid
In 2015 the couple went to Madrid.
“It was a horror journey,” says Angelika Wagner.
“Peter was completely overwhelmed by the traffic.
On the way there, he had to rest in a hotel for days because everything was too strenuous for him." Back home, a neurologist diagnosed a form of Alzheimer's, and it was later confirmed that it was vascular dementia, one of more than 100,000 50 different forms of dementia.
Treatment was difficult, especially since her husband refused any further medical examination.
He could no longer drive a car and his social behavior also changed dramatically.
“Visitors were no longer allowed to come, he lost his daily rhythm, slept until midday and I then had to go for a walk with him alone late in the evening.” Angelika Wagner could no longer sleep and reached her limits for the first time.
Above all, her husband's increasing physical aggression became an almost unbearable burden.
It was not uncommon for her to have to call the police for help and ultimately have him declared incompetent at the local court.
Angelika Wagner with her husband Peter: Before the corona pandemic, she visited him in the home every day.
© Private
The situation is rapidly escalating
“Luckily we had a living will and a power of attorney,” says the former pharmacist.
While he used to be “my rock,” now she wanted to shape everything in his spirit.
And she had to learn to deal with the fact that her husband constantly wanted to run away, that she couldn't leave him alone for a minute, and that he insulted her viciously.
“I didn’t know back then that you shouldn’t talk back to people with dementia.”
The situation escalated and her husband was finally admitted to the neurological clinic in Haar by a court order.
“That was a catastrophe,” remembers Angelika Wagner.
“He stood at the door day and night and wanted to get out.” Because Wagner had attacked a nurse, he was restrained and given strong sedatives.
Incontinence followed, “he was a broken man”.
Then he came to a new home in Wolfratshausen.
Everything was friendlier there, the patients were entertained with games or dance matinees, and there was a donkey and chickens in the garden.
Angelika Wagner took the bus from Söcking to Wolfratshausen every day to be with her husband.
And she learned to take care of herself a little.
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Inner gratitude on the last day
Above all, the faith and encouragement of dear people gave her strength.
She learned that there are numerous offers of help and that it is good to accept them.
Talking to other relatives distracted her and she also went out for coffee with friends.
And she learned more and more about the disease.
“Dementia sufferers love sweets, they need rituals, and you always have to keep what you promised.” If Corona hadn’t come, the couple could have still enjoyed a nice time.
But she wasn't allowed to visit her husband for a long time.
Peter Wagner died six years after his diagnosis.
“When the last day came, I was internally satisfied and grateful that we were able to walk this path together.” Today, two years later, Angelika Wagner never tires of visiting people with dementia again, encouraging relatives and showing ways of support: “The Ilse Kubaschewski Foundation is doing something unique here,” she says.
Of the approximately 300,000 people with dementia in Bavaria, only five percent are cared for in homes; everyone else is looked after by the family at home.
The reason: There are too few places in homes and the financial contribution is too high for most families.
“Dementia has not yet arrived in our society,” she criticizes.
“The relatives urgently need to be better supported financially.”
BY ILONA RAMSTETTER
By the way: Everything from the region is now also available in our regular Starnberg newsletter.
You can find even more current news from the Starnberg district at Merkur.de/Starnberg.