Let's start from the bottom line, spoiler if you will - it can definitely work.
But it requires work....
The life of those who deal with social anxiety is a life of many avoidances.
During childhood and adolescence, there was an avoidance of contact with their friends and classmates, starting with going out with everyone for recess, continuing without voting in class even when they knew the answer, and ending with a complete reduction of social life, even in the afternoon hours.
Without intervention, the incident will continue into matriculation - There will be an avoidance of getting to know new women, giving up social gatherings to which they have been invited, and in general the preference will always be to avoid as much as possible any type of social interaction, perceived as too threatening and challenging. The avoidance may prevent them from starting a simple conversation - or answering when approached, and affects Their choices even when they take a toll (walking instead of taking the bus, giving up shopping, rejecting a professional promotion or a salary interview, giving up medical treatment, etc.).
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with age, avoidance expands to more arenas in life, and the prices it takes are bigger and wider.
In the marital sense, avoidance also damages the ability to create and deepen relationships, and all the more Romantic relationships and intimate relationships.
Social anxiety and avoidance often harm the creation of a relationship and love, and it doesn't have to be that way.
"A relationship is one of the most difficult places for me. The embodiment of all fears."
- a girl in her mid-30s told me, "From the crazy fear of awkward conversations on dates to the difficulty of really opening up to someone and taking into account that they might not like all sides of me, and maybe not even at all."
"Crazy fear of awkward conversations on dates and difficulty opening up to someone really"/ShutterStock
"My fear is mainly that I'm not good enough and not worthy of one of my own," a 27-year-old guy from one of the groups I led told me, "that I won't be able to bring my 'real self', and if I do - that I won't meet the other party's expectations and cause disappointment" - all This is in complete contrast to how they are perceived "on paper" - he is of the highest quality, pleasant and caring, an academic who works in a high-tech company and very much wants a relationship and starting a family, works in special education, is sensitive and loving, very mature for a relationship as well.
The desire to get to know someone, to find a soul mate and maybe the love of my life is part of being social beings.
Naturally, for most of us it is accompanied by slight apprehension and embarrassment, but for some - with a very great anxiety, which causes paralysis and even complete renunciation, despite the great desire.
"On my first date with someone I met on the app, she tried to understand why I hadn't had a partner until today, and somehow it came out to me that I have social anxiety. For me, it was a terrible experience. I ran it through my head non-stop. In a person with social anxiety, situations where you have to Leaving a good first impression (like a date) is very stressful, and sometimes I'd rather avoid them altogether than deal with them, for better or for worse."
This is how a guy in his mid-20s describes an experience that for most of us is exciting but not overwhelming.
He is a handsome guy, a graduate student.
Intelligent, pleasant and funny.
In my eyes he was supposed to be full of confidence.
He has a lot to offer the world in general and the world of relationships in particular.
But the social anxiety disrupts and causes him to exclude himself (also) from the world of relationships.
Modern times in general, and the Corona period in particular, have significantly intensified social difficulties that have always been there.
Social anxiety is the most common anxiety and affects the lives of about 10% of the population.
It is closely related to judgmental, critical thoughts, and narrowing and diminishing thoughts of a person about himself, in most cases, there is no connection between that low self-esteem and the fear of rejection - and between society's perception of that person.
And when someone is so convinced that they have nothing to offer, that they are rejected, unwanted and incapable - how can you really function (and breathe) in the dating world, where the most required is the willingness to peel back the skins and be exposed, to show the real "me" and feel welcome because of it.
When rejection seems so predictable - how dare you risk it?
Not destiny/ShutterStock
Here are some tips that can help:
The first thing is the decision
without a decision to make a change "and work on it" it will be difficult to see results.
Therefore, with a lot of compassion and self-acceptance we will decide that we want more for ourselves - and are ready to step out of the comfort zone and change patterns.
Getting to know myself.
With anxiety, it is important.
We need to understand what is behind it (hint: not rational thinking) and learn to identify such inhibiting thoughts, which hurt us and prevent us from a social life, like everyone else.
In the next step it is important to also learn to replace inhibiting thoughts with promoting thoughts - the thoughts that will create the change.
Slowly!
With small steps that build trust
- Baby Steps - because you don't start running right away.
Everyone has the things that deter them more - and areas where they feel more relaxed.
Start with two, there is no need to challenge yourself too fast and too hard.
It is important to remember - no task is too small.
Every task you take on and implement - is a success, and by the way, even if you didn't succeed in it, this time, there is learning in it - and that in itself is a success.
Whether you choose to accompany the personal process with therapy, individual or group, or not - it is recommended to study the subject yourself.
Knowledge is power, the web is full of quality and professional content, texts and videos, through which we can better understand anxiety - so that we can also overcome it.
It is also important to align expectations with ourselves.
One that will allow us to make a true and honest path and build it to suit who we are.
For example, don't hide, don't obscure, don't suppress the "real me", even the one who is dealing with anxiety.
For the most part, social anxiety is limiting mainly in the first phase of the relationship: dating, getting to know each other.
The main difficulty focuses on the fear of rejection, due to creating a disappointing first impression.
This is a concern that exists in most of us, and especially those who are introverts.
What is better - a partner who looks like me, and who experiences social anxiety like me?
Choosing a similar partner will be less challenging in social situations
and will not force us to live with a "social animal" that is looking for events, meetings, people.
They will agree with us on a quieter and more homely lifestyle - which may be comfortable, but does not really challenge the "social muscle", and in the long run may cause a state of distance and disconnection.
In addition, this could also be a choice behind which there is a compromise - for a partner who does not excite or excite you but is seen as "suitable".
And if you make progress, challenge yourself and strengthen your social skills and ambitions, that person may suddenly turn out to be much less attractive.
The first connection, which answered a need that is no longer relevant, and which did not include falling in love and a connection that goes beyond introversion - will be difficult to hold.
Choosing an opposite partner can complete us,
repair our insecurity and social anxiety.
This can also be very convenient - he will be our "minister of foreign affairs" and make it easier for us in all those places that challenge us (he will talk in our place with the waiter in the cafe, with the representative at the bank or local authority, with the child's teacher) and even take care of our social relations with other couples .
But the price will be exhaustion and acceptance with the "comfort zone" - a compromise that in the long run may prevent us from personal development and change.
As mentioned, social anxiety has different and diverse manifestations in different people - but in the optimistic part of things it is important to say: social anxiety is not a fate, and the courage to go out and get to know each other, to avoid less, to experiment more, to dare to dive into the connection and familiarity, each time a little more - all of these are A very significant part of our overcoming it.
There are many real reasons for optimism
A participant in the late 20s and who found a relationship specifically in the workplace, said: "Pretty soon I felt that when I was with him the social anxiety simply dissolved and disappeared. I had no inhibitions, like anywhere else, and I could be myself in my most natural way - when it was just the two of us."
I recently spoke with her, she is married and will soon be a mother.
And her partner, surprisingly, also faces social anxiety.
The love of her life - as her image.
They participated in two parallel groups at the same time.
When they met - they understood each other, contained each other, more than any person they had met before.
And today, when I talked with her before writing this text, in honor of Valentine's Day, she greatly strengthened what I already knew - social anxiety does not have to remain, and it must not prevent us from living a full, sociable and married life.
The difficulties and challenges are very real but the ability to face and overcome them is also real.
The author: Zurit Yehuda, a facilitator for parents and groups in her profession - and a veteran facilitator at the Rakfat association
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