A friend once told me that
being in a relationship today is “out”
, and that we were “out”, and I think it is “out” to use the word “out” to say that something is “out”.
What I'm getting at is that I've been in a relationship for 22 years and it's true that nowadays, it's a rarity.
“How do they do it?”
people ask you.
Because in a time where “you have to put up with it” is an antiquity, and where
failure is not separating, but staying with someone you don't feel like being with;
staying together through the years is a mystery...
The truth is I have no idea how we do it.
I'm also not sure what it feels like when the token hits you that you want to separate.
I guess I don't know, because it didn't happen to me.
Or at least it hasn't happened to me until now.
Yes I know that there are moments of crisis. mmmm moments…
I once heard that when a couple has a child,
that first year is one of the most “mmmm…” moments for a couple.
I calculate it must be, among other things, due to the lack of intimacy between the couple, or the lack of sleep, or sex.
Which at one point is a bit what defines a couple and
makes it different from having a friend.
Maybe the lack of sex in couples
is a much more common issue than what is talked about.
And with children, there are excuses everywhere.
The thing is that from the moment a couple becomes parents, they live with a little person who must be made to believe that
"No... I never do anything with Dad...".
Everything has to be hidden, silent, without suspicion.
And sometimes
you get so into character that it can end up being true.
Dalia: "The lack of sex in couples is a much more common issue than what is talked about. And with children, there are excuses everywhere"
It also happens that there are couples who, with the passage of time,
begin to feel like “little brothers,”
because having a child with another person unites you (or ties you?) forever as with a family member.
And nothing less erotic than seeing the other as a family member.
Although it is also impossible not to see him as a family member because he is a family member and they share the crazy adventure of raising a human being.
And here is another of the most typical reasons why
“mmmm, I think I want to separate
. ”
And that is when one of the “responsible adults”, who theoretically should put themselves in the role of responsible adult, behaves like just another little creature.
Then the other responsible adult feels alone, and
thinks that he wants to take care of one child and not two.
So he prefers to separate.
Maybe sometimes emotions are not so clear when you have small children, because you do not live your days normally.
These are years in which you don't have the head to reason much about anything because your energy is basically directed at putting out fires.
In fact, many couples do not separate at that time because they do not
find the time to talk about wanting to separate.
Or even in the midst of all the fuss, they may
not even realize it.
It can also happen that as an adult you wanted to be a father, and you love being a father again,
but you feel suffocated
.
And in that, let's be honest, having one or two or three days off while having small children must be quite relieving.
It is also a thermometer to go through
couples therapy
and tell the other person to their face what you don't like.
It could be that you wish he hugged you more, or that he wasn't so heavy with sex, or
some domestic detail like that he never changes the toilet paper roll when it runs out
, and going to the bathroom and finding the empty carton is depressing
.
If the other doesn't do anything to change, mmmm….
Dalia: "Each member of the couple, like the botanist, needs different things: she needs more light, she likes the shade, he not so much water, and so on."
Another litmus test for couples was the quarantine.
Living 24/7 with a being that there was no chance of missing because you had him stuck there all day.
And here's a great point: I (or he) from time to time would slip, like someone who doesn't want to, a
"can you go and take the kids who want to be alone a little?"
.
This question is a thermometer of the couple's level of health: how the other takes it.
If he is offended, he takes it personally, mmm…
If the other person leaves and returns a couple of hours later naturally and hoping to improve the mood at home, there is good material to follow.
Because each member of the couple, like the botanist, needs different things:
she needs more light, she likes the shade, he not so much water, and so on.
And if we can't respect what the other needs to be well,
mmmm...
Because as therapists say, and although it sounds boring,
the couple is a job
.
Another one?
I already work a lot!
Okay, yes.
Here you also have to work, set guidelines, organize.
Be careful, maybe you don't feel like taking on this job,
and you want to be unemployed as a partner.
And he is perfect.
You were born in the right time where there is no right way to live adult life.
Do you want to be in a relationship?
brilliant!
You like to be alone?
perfect!
Are you a hummingbird or a hummingbird?
(we only ask you for emotional responsibility and whitewash it from the start).
In particular, I think I could live without being in a relationship.
But I also feel that I am fine this way, that I like it, and I think there is not much more to analyze: to feel that, at least until now, where you are, is where you want to stay.
Because you love the other.
And you want him to be happy.
And if there isn't that, mmmm...
And I ask you, dear readers, what are those mmmm moments when you say "I want to separate"?