Errors and keys to effective couple communication: the problem is not arguing, but how it is done

“We have been together as a couple for 10 years and we have never argued.”

While this may sound like a good thing, it may not be so good.

An ideal in relationships is that everything flows like the first day, that everything is laughter, excitement, walks holding hands... But as soon as you have had an experience of a certain duration, and even more so if coexistence is added, it is usually It is inevitable that conflicts will arise and, with them, arguments.

A couple that boasts of not arguing is suspicious because it raises doubts about whether they have really never had a (strange) conflict or if one of the parties is avoiding discussions for fear, perhaps, of expressing their opinion, breaking the good atmosphere or of being afraid. Instead of solving the conflict, it worsens.

“Most of the discomfort that I see in couples consultation arises from the inability to correctly manage the conflicts that life presents us, and the only healthy tool we have is our ability to argue.

Thus, learning to manage conflicts means learning to communicate effectively,” says psychologist Juan Muñoz, known on social networks as Psicologeria (he has 256,000 followers on his Instagram account).

Ineffective communication is after arguments caused by misunderstandings, of the type where one person is very sure that they have said something and the other is also very sure that they did not say it;

or in disputes that include phrases like “you never listen to me” or “it's always the same with you.”

Because the problem is not in arguing (on the contrary, it serves to resolve discrepancies in the relationship and make the bond stronger), but in how it is done.

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Avoiding uncomfortable conversations does not seem like a good strategy to resolve conflicts, so it will be a matter of addressing them through good communication.

A first step in learning to speak in a way that we understand each other is to detect the most frequent errors.

David Gómez, psychologist specializing in emotional regulation, emotional relationships and author of the book

A Journey Towards (Own) Love

(Urano publishing house, 2024), gives some first clues about what is done wrong.

“Normally, we start talking to the other person at an inappropriate time.

We speak from pain through accusation and end up polarized: 'you against me' has not worked for any couple in the history of humanity.

The emotion of anger takes control and we speak from it, instead of accepting it, but sitting as a co-pilot and deciding where we want to take the conversation and the conflict,” she says.

For her part, Muñoz adds that "the fundamental error is trying to impose your point of view without taking into account that the other person has their own values, desires and opinions, and that these may be different from yours."

A couple who boasts of not arguing is suspicious because it raises doubts about whether they have really never had a conflict or if one of the parties is avoiding arguments out of fear.StefaNikolic (Getty Images)

What is better: not speaking or speaking badly?

Faced with a bad conversation, there will be people who prefer to remain silent and thus save themselves a bad time.

But this, which in the short term may be comfortable, hides a risk: the person remains silent and endures until the day that drop falls that makes him explode and then he speaks but possibly not in the best way.

“This reflects the communication cycle of many people.

Once they have exploded, they do not feel proud of it, which encourages them to remain silent again until, again, they can't take it anymore.

Sometimes it seems like an endless cycle, but it really is something that can be worked on and improved,” says Muñoz.

The first step to breaking this cycle is to be clear about the idea that “if it is important to you, it is important and you should communicate it.”

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A post shared by Juan Munoz - Psicologeria (@psicologeria)

Perhaps this is complicated for those who have low self-esteem, since in these cases the person may not dare to expose the conflicting topic due to insecurity in their own opinions or fear of rejection.

In this situation, as Gómez points out, either the straw that breaks the camel's back occurs or the other extreme occurs, in which the person accepts everything that comes to him in an asymmetrical and submissive manner.

“In a context of abuse, imagine the consequences,” indicates the psychologist.

Another difficulty that can arise when faced with uncomfortable conversations is being afraid of not expressing yourself correctly.

In this case, we must keep in mind that mistakes exist, that it is okay to be critical, but also compassionate with ourselves, that we can learn from them and that we should accept them and apologize when necessary.

“Making mistakes is part of the process of learning to communicate,” says Muñoz.

Keys to communicate better

You have to speak and you have to know how to do it.

OK.

And what can be done to improve communication?

Muñoz, author of the book

Arguing is healthy if you know how

(Bruguera, 2024), says that you have to start with yourself: learn to manage your own emotions, thoughts and set limits.

And then not stay anchored in our own experience as absolute truth.

“Understanding that our perception of reality is different from other people's perception and that they are all equally valid, even if they do not all fit into our life project,” he explains.

From here, the expert adds: “Make it easy.

If you are going to communicate something important and you feel that you are going to leave things out, write down everything you want to say so that you don't forget anything.”

A first step in learning to speak in a way that we understand each other is to detect the most frequent errors.andersdahl65 (Getty Images)

Gómez also points out the importance of choosing the right moment: “It is when we have a low level of activation so as not to let out the first outburst that crosses our mind.

There is nothing wrong with postponing the conflict to another more opportune time.”

It is also important to pay attention to the other from empathy, that is, "listen to understand, not to return the ball with a racket full of rage."

Heraclitus, considered one of the fathers of dialectics, believed that contradiction does not paralyze, but energizes, and Plato wrote his works as dialogues through questions that introduced doubts into opposing arguments.

The great philosophers were clear: dialogue helps you think better.

But no one said it was easy to do.

“To communicate you learn by communicating and to argue you learn by arguing, so start pedaling until you feel comfortable doing it,” Muñoz recommends.

Arola Poch

is a psychologist from the University of Barcelona, ​​a graduate in Audiovisual Communication from the UOC and a sexologist from the Camilo José Cela University.

She is an expert in sexual education and dissemination, with several published books.

She provides sexology consultation and couples therapy.

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