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Born in Manzanares (Ciudad Real) 50 years ago, Diana Jiménez, psychologist,
Adlerian
counselor (therapeutic approach based on the theories of Alfred Adler,
founder of the school known as individual psychology), publishes
Positive Discipline. How to raise safe, responsible and capable children
(Grijalbo, 2024). In the book, the founder of the websites Infancia en Positivo, Adolescence en Positivo and Pareja en Positivo, in which she proposes programs for families and information about these stages, shares real examples, recommendations and strategies for fathers and mothers. The goal is for them to create a healthy bond with their children or to know how to control the most complicated situations.
This certified positive discipline educator, who has more than 20 years of experience with children and adolescents, is also the author of
Positive Childhood. Definitive guide for fathers and mothers in the education of their children
(Editorial Toromítico, 2020) or collaborator in the
ebook
9 rules for a conscious education
(Editorial Almuzara, 2023), points out: “Parenting in the short term falls short. We only have the present to establish the foundations that we want to have achieved in the future.”
More information
Arantxa Arroyo, positive discipline teacher: “It's not about your child doing what you want, but about how you react to what he or she does”
ASK.
What is positive discipline and why is it important to apply it in parenting?
ANSWER.
It is a philosophy of life that helps improve personal relationships. It is essential to apply it in parenting because the bases of positive discipline are based on the psychology of Alfred Adler (doctor and psychotherapist), which is based on the fact that “human beings are creative beings by nature.” This allows us to understand that we live in society and need others. Positive discipline helps us focus on building a society based on values such as respect, responsibility or empathy, values that have recently been left aside.
Q.
“If you tidy up your room, I will buy you a toy”, what message is sent to children?
A.
It is a full-fledged threat that induces one to follow orders without reflection, with which the child learns to obey without going through the filter of what is useful or respectful for him, for others or for society. It is an obedience that can end in submission, but also in rejection or rebellion. It also invites the feeling of inability, or it is like saying: "I don't trust that you are capable of doing it, that's why I threaten you or give you a reward to compensate or achieve the goal that I pursue."
Q.
Is it normal for a child to lie frequently or should parents be worried?
A.
The lie scares us, it worries us. We forget to understand the role it plays in childhood and that we must look at it with the right eyes. The lying of children under five years of age has nothing to do with the lying of adults. As children they interpret reality from their magical thinking, showing with that lie how they would like things to be or how they see them. Until the age of nine, 10, a desire appears as part of that lie and from pre-adolescence onwards, they elaborate, modify, invent..., that is, they want to avoid the consequences of telling the truth and they begin to get closer to the use it makes. of her the adult.
"If you want your child to be who he is, help him develop his full potential," explains Diana Jiménez, psychologist. Image taken by Mayte Torres (Getty Images)
Q.
As a parent, can you be firm without having to yell or punish?
A.
Of course! Not only can it, but for our mental health and that of our children, it must. For that today we need to train and inform ourselves and continue evolving. To educate firmly, that is, keeping in mind the limits, rules or routines, we need to accompany it with kindness, connection before correction. Yelling and punishment have no educational component.
Q.
What do parents achieve when they try to overprotect, avoid suffering, isolate or undervalue their children?
R.
Weaken the child. We often hear the term crystal generation and what comes to mind is precisely this: overprotected children, who have not been allowed to experience the consequences of their actions, suffer, get frustrated, make wrong decisions... Seek happiness from our children is a mistake, the appropriate thing is to allow them to feel all the emotions and learn from them.
Q.
Does a child misbehave or feel bad?
A.
You feel bad, because the behavior is just a clue to what may be happening. 20% of what you see is the behavior, while the 80% that you don't see is the belief. The solution the child is looking for is what you have seen to a problem that is hidden. It happens to children like us: They behave badly when they feel bad.
Q.
How can you properly connect with your child?
A.
Sometimes we stay in behavior. The child is much more and if we focus on changing his behavior we are not connecting with the person. The connection requires knowledge about our child's evolutionary stage, brain functioning...
See this post on Instagram
A shared post from Diana Jiménez 💙 Psychology and Positive Discipline (@dianajimenezpsicologa)
Q.
How can encouragement and confidence be applied in positive discipline?
A.
“Breath is for humans like water is for plants,” said Rudolf Dreikurs, psychiatrist and educator. We must educate in strengths, with a growth mentality and positive approach. It is not about telling the child that he does everything well, but rather allowing him to develop his personality by receiving appreciation, recognition, guidance, support and connection.
Q.
Are agreements with minors positive?
A.
Very positive and important for the development of healthy self-esteem. We have the present, since they are children, to facilitate and work on everything we want to happen in the future.
Q.
“Decide what you are going to do, instead of what you are going to force your child to do,” what does it mean?
A.
That many times we are more busy controlling the children than ourselves. If your child yells or wants to hit you when he gets angry, don't tell him to go to his room and come back when he has learned to behave. Tell him that you are going to leave, you are going to respect yourself and you are not going to stay for him to insult you. This way you show him how you respect you and what he can do if it ever happens to him.
Q.
How can you avoid pretending that the child is something he or she is not?
R.
Accept the son we have been given. We think we do, but during the day we tell him that he could be more loving or cooperative and it translates to, “I don't like the way you are.” Sometimes we also make comparisons. If you want your child to be who he is, help him develop his full potential. Guide him on his path. Be the refuge he returns to if he needs it and trust that he is who he is meant to be.
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