The video of Hernán Grana - former Boca and current All Boys player - bursting onto the field and shouting “get paid!” the referee of the baby soccer game in which his son was participating is an example of what is often seen on weekends in children's competitions and tournaments. Education specialist Laura Lewin says that, in the desire to see our children “succeed,” we lose sight of the
excessive pressure
we place on them. And this doesn't just happen on the court: it happens in artistic matters or at school.
Why does this happen? “The root of this pressure is often multifaceted. From the desire to see our children achieve the goals we couldn't, to the belief that success in childhood is a crucial predictor of future success. We live in a
society that values performance
and tangible achievements, and this vision can filter into our upbringing,” explains the author of
Fuertes y Felices, the manual that was not given to you when you had children
(Editorial Bonum) to
Clarín
.
“
Overdemanding
or excessive pressure may be well-intentioned, seeking to motivate or push the child towards success, but it often has opposite effects that could include anxiety, stress, fear of failure, frustration and even shame, which could generate a loss. of motivation, conflictive relationships, sports burnout and even behavioral problems due to excessive pressure,” says Laura.
Along these lines, he explains that, when parental pressure is excessive, “children can develop an
'all or nothing' mentality
, where only success is valued and any failure is seen as a disaster. This can lead to a paralyzing fear of failure, which, paradoxically, can inhibit your ability to take risks and learn from your mistakes, skills crucial for personal and academic development.”
Strive, and let go of the result
In the effort to foster healthy self-esteem in our children, he says that it is crucial to maintain balance so as not to fall to the extreme of cultivating narcissism: “
Solid self-esteem
is based on the recognition of one's own abilities and values, but also on understanding of our limitations and empathy towards others.”
“Solid self-esteem is based on the recognition of our own abilities and values, but also on the understanding of our limitations and empathy towards others.” Photo: Shutterstock illustration.
And Lewin adds that “it is important to teach them to
value themselves without believing themselves superior
or deserving of special treatment above others. The challenge is to celebrate their achievements and qualities, while promoting humility and respect for differences. This delicate balance not only contributes to their emotional well-being, but also prepares them to build healthy and respectful relationships with others.”
Laura points out that “kids should know that they are responsible for their effort, not the result. This teaching helps them
recognize the value of hard work
, perseverance, and dedication, regardless of the end results. When children learn to focus on their effort, they develop a strong work ethic and a growth mindset that motivates them to keep trying, even in the face of failure or challenges.”
Separate the result from self-esteem
The education specialist warns that it is essential to teach children to separate results from their sense of personal worth: “Their self-esteem should not depend on whether they win a competition, get a good grade, or achieve any other type of external success.”
“By making them understand that
their value as a person is inherent
, and not conditioned by external achievements, we strengthen their self-esteem and prepare them to better handle the ups and downs of life. They learn to value themselves for who they are, not for what they do or don't do, thus fostering a positive self-image that is resistant to the fluctuations of success and failure.”
Furthermore, he points out that “it is crucial to educate our children in the art of
pursuing their own goals and dreams
, rather than meeting other people's expectations. When children act motivated by the desire to please others, they can lose sight of their own passions and interests, leading to a disconnection from their essence, their authentic self.”
It is essential, therefore, to encourage them to
explore and discover
what truly moves and excites them, assuring them that their value does not lie in how much they manage to meet external expectations, but in their ability to follow their own path, building a life. that they find meaningful and rewarding. By fostering this independence and authenticity, we help them build a strong identity, rooted in their own desires and not in seeking external approval.
How to avoid transmitting our frustrations to children
At the request of Clarín, Laura Lewin points out five keys to avoid transmitting our own demands and frustrations to our children:
1. It is important to ask ourselves
if our expectations are realistic
and if they really serve the well-being of our children. We should strive to understand and support their genuine interests and passions, rather than trying to shape them according to our own desires or unfulfilled aspirations.
2.
Celebrating effort and perseverance
, rather than achievements and results, can help children develop a growth mindset. This teaches them that failure is part of the learning process and not a reflection of their worth.
3. Make sure our children know that
our love and support are not conditional
on their performance. They need to feel safe to explore their interests and fail, knowing they will be supported.
4. Children are very astute observers and often imitate the attitudes and behaviors of their parents. Showing them
how we deal with our own challenges and failures
, how we manage stress and disappointment, can teach them healthy strategies.
5. Allowing children
to make their own decisions
and set their own goals helps them develop self-confidence and autonomy. It is important to guide them, but also let them experiment and learn for themselves.
“In the end, the most important thing is that our children
grow up happy,
self-confident and able to face life's challenges with resilience. Each child is unique, with their own talents, interests and pace of development. Celebrating these differences, rather than pushing for achievements that meet our own expectations, is key to their long-term well-being and success,” says the specialist.
In addition, it urges parents to
reflect on their behavior
and its impact on their children: “Fostering a supportive environment, focused on effort and enjoyment over the result can help mitigate these negative effects.”
And he concludes: “Teaching children to see mistakes and failures as
learning opportunities
, and not catastrophes, promotes a growth mindset and helps build their resilience. Let us not forget that sport, especially in childhood, should be a source of fun, skill development and physical, emotional and mental health, not a battlefield to meet adult expectations.”
Laura Lewin, author, trainer and education specialist, advised. She is a TEDx speaker and has written numerous books, such as
Fuertes y Felices, the manual that was not given to you when you had children
(Editorial Bonum). On Instagram, @lauralewinonline.