The research ignored it, but it is the longest we have: A lot is possible in the relationship between siblings - and that has consequences.
“You always have...!” or “You never do...!” is how arguments often begin between siblings. We hurl accusations at each other and refer to each other's mistakes from our childhood decades ago. One mean thing follows another until someone cries - or another family member has to intervene, sometimes both.
When it comes to trivial matters, such conflicts are quickly overcome. We often talk about an “unbreakable bond” between siblings. A bond that can hardly be achieved through friendship. Anyway, after all, we not only share the same genes with our brothers and sisters, but also our origins. We usually grow up in the same home, have the same cultural and financial background, and are raised by the same people.
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Why we don't like our siblings
On the other hand, we often perceive sibling children who do not understand each other or even hate each other as an anomaly. Brothers and sisters don't always stick together through thick and thin. There are indifferent or negative feelings towards siblings, just like brother and sister.
From the perspective of developmental science and evolution, it is completely normal for us to quarrel with our siblings because we are, first and foremost, competitors. It all starts with one big shock – the “dethronement trauma”. Psychoanalysis describes the feeling of the first-born, who suddenly no longer comes first when a sibling is born. From this moment on, children compete for everything, from their parents' attention to the last shortbread.
According to experts, up to six arguments per hour are normal. So do we romanticize our relationship with our siblings and is a conflict-ridden relationship the norm? Not necessarily, says Inés Brock-Harder, chairwoman of the Federal Association for Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy and therapist for sibling problems. The expert explains
to
BuzzFeed News Germany
, a portal from
Ippen.Media
: “Siblings are an underestimated resource.” The relationship with them is the longest that we have in our lives. “And we know today that they shape us more than our parents. In family psychology, however, we have focused on the relationship with parents for too long.”
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Intimate to toxic – these different types of siblings exist
There are different approaches to understanding the relationship between brothers and sisters. For example, the division into different types. “Intimate siblings” often act as best friends, “congenial siblings” feel strong affection, while “loyal siblings” are primarily connected by a shared family background.
Siblings in “apathetic relationships” are indifferent towards each other. Despite the family connection, they feel no closeness. In the fifth type, sibling relationships are characterized by hostility. This is by no means just about infantile bickering. Surveys show that power imbalances and toxic dynamics, including violence, can develop between siblings - and unlike friends and acquaintances, we cannot choose or even end these relationships independently.
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Are only children better off after all?
The sibling relationship shapes our lives, for better or worse. Isn't being an only child more pleasant without the risk of trauma from the younger children or abuse of power from the older children? According to a recent study from Ohio State University, only children actually do better psychologically than siblings. Children with one or more siblings showed increased depressive symptoms or anxiety disorders. The age difference plays a special role. The greater the distance between the siblings, the better off they were.
The researchers explain this with the resource distribution hypothesis. Accordingly, children of the same age compete more for their parents' resources. However, critics of the study complain that this only affects the relationship between parents and children, while the resources that siblings can give each other are not reflected.
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How sibling relationships change over the course of life
In addition: the relationship with our siblings changes with our living conditions. In sibling research, the “U-curve” is often mentioned. Accordingly, siblings are very close to each other in childhood. During puberty, they distance themselves and develop their own interests and character traits. With increasing age, working life or starting a family, interest in siblings increases again and the relationship often becomes closer.
But that is only a possible course - it is not possible to predict how the relationship with one's own siblings will develop. Ambivalence is the only constant, because even in adulthood, too many factors influence this relationship, such as the choice of partner of the sister or brother. This multitude of factors means there is a constant risk of noise. But it also means that we have many opportunities for development and reconciliation, so that even the most bitter rivals can still become close siblings.