Suffering from the breakup and other misunderstandings of almost relationships

The history of literature has told everyone who wanted to hear the lights and shadows of furtive, illegal, clandestine, unequal, incomplete, unannounced, informal and nameless loves. Works like

Anna Karenina

(Tolstoy, 1878),

The Regenta

(Clarín, 1884),

Lady Chatterley's Lover

(DH Lawrence, 1928) or

The Lover

(Marguerite Duras, 1984) have delved into the vertigo and also the pain of this type of relationships that, not because they are now socially accepted, They are less painful. The figure of the lover or the friend with benefits would no longer be enough for a literary epic, they do not amount to that much; But, unfortunately, in some cases they are enough to generate anxiety, distrust and even hatred towards the opposite sex (in the case of heteros) and the occasional consultation with a psychologist or sexologist, to try to understand what happened and not repeat it.

Armando (32 years old, Buenos Aires) has been involved in an “almost something” relationship for more than a year from which it is difficult for him to get out, despite having resorted to the help of a psychologist. When he met Clara, his college classmate and friend, she had a partner, but one day they broke up. “She told me about it and seeing her so depressed, I tried to cheer her up, I helped her in everything she could and, since we lived close to her, we started to meet more often,” says this Argentine. His feelings began to be more than friendship and this Architecture student decided to express them to his partner. “I remember that she listened to me in silence and when I finished she thanked me for my sincerity, but she didn't comment anything. I interpreted that silence as her affections did not correspond to mine and I got the idea that it would not go beyond a friendship. However, one day when she was very sad she came to my house and, after lunch, she suggested we go to the room to take a nap together and, in the end, we hooked up,” he says. “We then became friends with benefits, although there wasn't much friction. She always stressed to me that what we had was nothing serious and she encouraged me to go out with other

girls

, and we presented ourselves as friends to our colleagues,” continues Armando. “Anyway, we went out more and more, we made a lot of plans together; Clara met my friends and my parents, and vice versa. Inside me there was hope that it would get better, until one day she told me that she was dating a boy. I had a very bad time and then I decided to walk away and end the relationship, but the more I distanced myself, the closer she got. She sent me a message

asking me how I was doing and telling me that he was very sorry that I was having a hard time, or he would ask me something about school or studies. Later, he even told me that he didn't like her partner that much anymore and that he was thinking of leaving her, which gave me new hope."

Armando's yo-yo relationship (now I'm leaving you, now I'm coming back), added to the uncertainty of

boyfriend

unions , the unequal feelings on both sides and Clara's lack of delicacy, can destroy the nerves of even the most temperate. Curiously, it is the case that many of those who embark on this type of relationship and see it as a barometer of their tolerance and modernity (this is not the case of our student), later end up demonizing them and moving to the conservative side, which proclaims that the only refuge for happiness as a couple is that of unions with a long-term vocation.

“The problem is not in this type of relationships, which are as good as the others, but in the people and their problems,” says Gloria Arancibia Clavel, a psychologist and sexologist with a consultation in Madrid.

“You have to have a certain maturity to embark on this type of interaction without coming away damaged. But, in addition, there are many people who are deceiving themselves and that what they want, deep down, is something more serious, but they compromise on this type of union because they like the other person and think that this is a way of start or hook it. And, of course, when things don't work out that way, frustration and suffering appear,” she points out.

Not all people are trained to handle “almost somethings” with joy, passion, affection, humor, understanding the limits and putting a happy ending to the relationship, which will be remembered as something ephemeral but beautiful. To begin with because, as highlighted by sexologist Raúl González Castellanos, also a psychopedagogue and couples therapist at the A la Par office in Madrid,

“Sexual relationships, whether we like it or not, always create bonds, and the more satisfactory they are, the more they will hook us.” And he adds: “The blame for this lies with phenylethylamine, the 'love neurotransmitter' that creates addiction; and oxytocin, 'the affection hormone'. It is not easy to escape chemistry and what almost always happens is that one member of the couple feels more than the other, and that is where the disagreement begins.”

Holding the feelings

To avoid this cumbersome problem in casual relationships, the one who begins to develop stronger feelings tends to hold them down to avoid suffering; ignoring that what will also be repressed is passion, pleasure and the art of letting go, essential for enjoyment. Calls, caresses, encounters, demonstrations of affection or passion are then rationed in the commissary of the “almost something”, as if our unfinished business in sex were not to feel, without heeding the warnings of our docile and gloomy mind.

“The paradox is that, in the end, no matter how much we protect our feelings, we are going to suffer equally or more,” Arancibia points out, “because we will not have given ourselves permission to enjoy, to let ourselves flow in the relationship and that can also create a dangerous pattern for future relationships. Feelings run freely and we should not set limits, but, deep down, it is a problem of fear of abandonment, of loneliness, of being left. We have been given the message that you will not be able to cope with life alone, better as a couple; As women, it has been reinforced much more, that is why we do many things that we do not like to avoid the breakup.”

In Raúl González's opinion, the people most inclined to this type of relationships would fall into three groups: those prone to falling into rogue loves, those addicted to falling in love, and those allergic to commitment. “In rogue loves there is a lot of passion, few plans for the future and, often, we are attracted to opposites (the case of the

bad guy

). In short, it is a sexual attraction, pure chemistry; although over time someone can get hooked. The second are those addicted to the hormonal cocktail that falling in love produces in us. In perpetual search for this sensation and, when things get cold, they cut and leave it. Third parties want to keep only the good things about the couple, they highly value their independence and do not want to give it up to embrace the many problems of stable relationships. Those who have an insecure attachment are the ones who can suffer the most in these types of relationships. They are vulnerable people, afraid of feeling rejected, very influenced by other people's opinions and who often hide from their partners for fear of what their friends or family may say."

To suffer less

When Armando looks back, he confesses that he should have left the relationship when he realized that his interests were not the same. “But, as they say, hope is the last thing you lose,” he says. The lack of a clear closure is another characteristic of this type of meeting, without beginning or end.

“When you decide that you are going to eat a steak or a cake, or smoke a cigar, even if you know that it is not convenient for you, if you have made that decision, do it without regrets and enjoy the moment, because tomorrow you will return to the diet,” he exemplifies. Gonzalez. “What you shouldn't do is eat the cake and think about what is going to make you fat, because then you will only be left with the bad. With remorse and with calories. Something similar happens with this type of relationships, we have to know what they are and where they take us; That is why I recommend that before starting one you have to make your intentions very clear, put your cards on the table so that no one creates false expectations. And, if things change, then notify the other person,” advises this sexologist.

“We are not dating, but we suffered the breakup” is another of the consequences of the thousand and one misunderstandings of the “almost something”; that, since nothing is defined, it seems that they are exempt from the mourning that any relationship that comes to an end deserves. “This is another of the most common problems: very few allow themselves to suffer and cry on the shoulder of a friend, because the most likely response they will find is: 'But you are stupid! Didn't you tell me he was a

fuck buddy

? "Why is there so much drama, not even that he was your lifelong boyfriend?" says Arancibia. “Homosexual couples seem to handle this type of relationship better,” reflects Arancibia, “perhaps because they have had it more complicated and have developed more tools. Resistance helps a lot to free oneself.”