“The terrible two years are here.” Just by mentioning this expression, many parents become paralyzed and tremble; especially the first-timers who have heard, from their friends and family, how their children went from being a tender little angel to a tiny demon. And that halo of legend that surrounds this phase of growth—from two to six years—is real and typical of development, although it often awakens a certain concern and fear in parents for not knowing how to handle a situation that until then moment they had control.
“The terrible two years are a somewhat complicated stage because children begin to be somewhat more autonomous, both on a psychomotor and intellectual level,” explains Carmen Romero, child psychologist,
child sleep
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and certified educator in positive discipline. "In addition, it usually coincides with the time when the pacifier or diapers are usually removed, and all this causes them to enter a phase of adaptation because they are no longer babies, but rather little boys." And fathers and mothers, she adds, stop automatically doing what they did before: “The child cried, we fed him, for example. From the age of two, this type of relationship matures and adults begin to realize that their behavior does not have to be so focused on the survival of the child."
“I don't like to call them that, because this age is wonderful,” says Miriam Tirado, journalist, writer and parenting consultant. "What happens is that for adults who are used to having a baby from zero to two years old, who more or less does everything they tell him because he is very small and does not have much awareness, having a minor who begins to mature a Just having their own opinion bothers some parents, and that's why they are called terrible," says Tirado. For her, these two years mean the opposite: this change is telling parents that their child is healthy, that he does what he has to do and that he is developing well: “And, furthermore, this change does not always happen exactly at two years, it depends on each child, some start at 20 months, while others do not do it until they are three years old.” “This phase can vary in duration from one child to another. Some may begin to exhibit challenging behaviors earlier, while others may continue to experience them later. It can last for several months or even more than a year, depending on the minor and various factors such as his temperament, his family environment and his cognitive and emotional development,” explains Marta Guerra Corral, general health psychologist at the Cláritas Institute, an established psychological clinic. in Madrid.
“At two years old, the child begins to distance himself from his attachment figure, exploring the environment in which he finds himself,” adds Rafa Guerrero, writer and child and adolescent psychologist, “they are the so-called terrible twos, a stage where the child needs differentiate themselves from reference adults.” "From time to time he looks at his mother or father to check that they are still there, it is not that the child is autonomous, but around this age the first moments of doing things for themselves appear," he continues. “It is a moment in which the child begins to want to direct many aspects of his life, he wants to impose his criteria, in which he continually demands a series of things that, due to his age, do not yet affect him” Romero resumes.
“Parents cannot lose sight of the fact that children know very well what they want, but they do not know what they really need. We are the ones who have the criteria and who must guide them. And that, without a doubt, often leads to conflicts,” adds Romero. "Many times, you say to a two-year-old child: 'Come on, we're leaving.' And he tells you no, he's playing. His opinion on the instructions he receives collides with the rationality of the adult and many times the agreement is not possible because his brain is immature, they do not understand,” exemplifies Tirado. The journalist advises that to deal with this stage, parents are well informed and manage the situation through play and imagination. “For example, going to the car in a fun and enjoyable way. Surely the child will be happier if he thinks that the car is a boat than being told: 'Come on, get in now.' If we play with emotions and imagination, the little ones connect more with us and are more willing to collaborate.”
How to calm the child
How to act when faced with these tantrums, tantrums or opposition to the rules? Romero advises staying calm. “It is very important that the child feels a connection with his parents, but from peace of mind and support,” he emphasizes. “If as soon as our children get angry, start yelling or speak badly to us, we do exactly the same thing, what we are doing is activating a spiral of disrespect, and it is very important to know that this is happening to be able to stop it.” the moment we see that it is rising in tone.”
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“The main problem in controlling a tantrum is lack of time. This stressful situation normally arises when we have more work or when the child just has to start school. Therefore, it becomes almost impossible to accompany him during the tantrum,” Tira stressed. For the journalist, the ideal would be for parents to first become aware that they are the adults: “We cannot act as if we were three or four years old.” And she recommends breathing deeply to be able to think clearly: “Realize that our child is small and that it is normal for him to have a tantrum, look for an alternative through play, before persuading him to do what we want.” “You have to treat them well. If I know that I'm having trouble in the morning, then I wake him up earlier, for example," continues Tirado, "I anticipate what I know is going to happen."
“Above all, parents have to understand that the minor needs to do things for themselves and differentiate themselves from them,” adds Guerrero. According to the psychologist, above all they should avoid criticizing him and preventing him from developing, forcing him, among other things, to remain attached to his mother or father at all times. “Coping with this stage is a challenge for parents, but there are several strategies that can help make it more manageable,” adds Guerra. This psychologist recommends parents offer limited options to the child so that he can choose, use praise and positive attention to reinforce desirable behaviors and foster a positive relationship between them. “And, above all, knowing how to choose your battles: not all situations require an immediate response or correction,” adds Guerra.
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Terrible Twos Can Be Wonderful
“Two years is a wonderful stage,” says Romero. For the psychologist, children are great geniuses, but parents have to know how to take them and forget about that first stage — from birth to two years old — in which they decided everything without having to negotiate with the little one about bath time or the one at dinner. “Now his son is starting to raise his finger because he also wants to decide. And he wants to be part of the decisions and the family team, and that is what we have to do, take it into account and talk to him and negotiate, but with calm and support,” she explains. “Also, despite the challenges posed by this stage, two-year-olds can be incredibly fun,” Guerra continues. The psychologist advises to always look for humor in everyday situations and for parents to laugh with their child: "And to dedicate time to creating special memories and enjoying moments of tenderness." For Guerrero, all the stages are beautiful and this one, of course, is also: “It is not something personal against us, but something evolutionary that all children go through.”