The championship is like a long-term study

Created: 12/31/2021 Updated: 12/31/2021, 1:16 PM

From: Günter Klein

Thomas Müller from FC Bayern has a good laugh.

© Michael Weber / Imago

Careful, satire!

Our preview of the sporting year 2022: vaccination live, gigaliga and a decisive coin toss.

January

Bayern sports director Hasan Salihamidzic is thinking about the new year.

Why do the media praise coach Julian Nagelsmann as "Foreign Minister of FC Bayern"?

Brazzo ponders: "Hainer is our Federal President, Olli Chancellor, Dreesen Finance Minister, but Foreign and Interior Minister, that's me and nobody else."

He was only Minister of Health for a short time. ”

A traditional club from the handball Bundesliga is supposed to get the Corona vaccination campaign going: Frisch Auf Göppingen becomes Auffrisch Göppingen.

Ex-1860 striker Sascha Mölders does not have a new club yet.

He is taking a break for the time being: "Life cannot only consist of diet and discipline."

February

At the Olympic Winter Games in Beijing, China's ice hockey team caused a sensation, it won gold. Well, the competition is a little weaker because five players each from Canada, the USA, Russia, Sweden and Finland tested positive for Corona upon arrival, were quarantined for two weeks and no longer had contact with their teams. China plays with a North American mentality, Scandinavian strategy and Eastern European technology - IOC President Thomas Bach pays his respects to the sensation team and says: "Many of the players spoke very good English."

Sensation in the descent: the German starters Andreas Sander, Romed Baumann, Josef Ferstl and Simon Jocher set the same time to the hundredth - and it is the fastest time.

The jury gives advice and the four Germans ask: “Can we all have gold?” Yes.

Cheers, hugs.

The Austrian alpine team breaks up spontaneously.

Peter Hyballa is the coach of the third Uzbek women's league and has to leave immediately after asking the players to "flood the field with testosterone".

The former Türkgücü Munich coach sees himself as a victim: "It was just my way of gendering."

March

At the DFB, the Bundestag is on - or as ex-President Fritz Keller would say: the Nazi Party Congress. The two successor applicants Bernd Neuendorf and Peter Peters are withdrawing their candidacy in favor of a prominent solution. Joachim Löw becomes DFB President. He appoints Urs Siegenthaler, Thomas Schneider, Lukas Podolski, Benedikt Höwedes and Per Mertesacker as co-presidents.

In Formula 1 everything will be different, the races, which previously lasted almost two hours, will be shortened dramatically: to the start and the last lap (flying start behind the safety car). Advantages: lower fuel consumption, cost savings for pit lane personnel, greater interest.

Joshua Kimmich has himself vaccinated and the process is carried over to 204 countries.

“I negotiated the vaccination offer myself, without a consultant,” says the Bayern star proudly.

There is speculation: Does Kimmich's vaccination contract contain an escape clause?

April

Peter Hyballa becomes the personal trainer of Sascha Mölders, who is working towards an early comeback. Hyballa speaks plainly: “Nothing against your belly. But your ass is bigger than Kim Kardashian's. ”

New attempt for an elite league in Europe. The usual suspects from Spain, Italy, England, plus Salzburg and Leipzig are supposed to play in the “Gigaliga”. 50 + 1 million euros are awarded for each win, the money comes from Austria, but all participants would have to rename themselves to Red Bull. It fails because of resistance from Leipzig: The fans do not want to give up the traditional name of "lawn ball sport".

At Manchester United, coach Ralf Rangnick explains to Cristiano Ronaldo how to take a free kick. Shortly afterwards, “RR0” is painted on the trainer's locker.

The German Ice Hockey League is again suspending relegation and promotion.

As a consolation, the 14 second division teams are allowed to play in the DEL playoffs.

Due to time constraints, the only mode that works is Best of One.

Tölz wins the surprise final against Landshut.

May

It has become surprisingly exciting in the Bundesliga, Bayern's clear lead melted.

Do the players intend to drop points in the previous weeks?

Julian Nagelsmann had promised "to go home on the longboard from the stadium where I won my first championship".

On the 34th matchday, Bayern will provide clarity in the title fight - in Wolfsburg.

“The German championship is simply the most honest title,” says captain Manuel Neuer.

“A championship after 34 match days is like a long-term study,” adds Joshua Kimmich.

Robert Lewandowski scores his 42nd goal of the season in Wolfsburg.

He lifts his jersey, on the undershirt it says in tribute to the previous record holder: "Forever Robert."

June

The German Football League takes stock of a season that was characterized by ghost games in its second part.

The DFL report says: “The fans were over the moon.”

Vice-champions Borussia Dortmund cannot keep Jude Bellingham.

The 19-year-old goes with an honorary doctorate for modern history from the University of Dortmund.

The summer belongs to the Nations League.

Germany in a group with Hungary.

Fis State President Viktor Orban calls on his team: "Bring me the heart of Goretzka."

July

Coach dominoes in the Bundesliga: Wolfsburg gets Oliver Glasner, who was successful in Frankfurt, Eintracht buys Marco Rose free in Dortmund, BVB pays Mönchengladbach a transfer fee for Adi Hütter.

There is a new hip sport.

Ultimate Fighting has lost its horror.

Everyone now wants to go to the Ultimate Pentathlon.

Modern pentathlon, reduced to show jumping with horses.

With the duo of horror, Annika "Spore" Schleu and Kim "Hau him" Raisner.

August

FC Bayern will start the new Bundesliga season without Julian Nagelsmann.

The successful coach is loaned to the Qatar association to prepare the national team there for the home World Cup.

"Julian will continue to promote the critical dialogue with Qatar in our spirit," explains Bayern Vice President Dieter Mayer.

The Munich team will coach Nagelsmann from Doha until the end of the year - Qatar has agreed to replicate its kitchen to scale.

Borussia Dortmund finds the successor for Erling Haaland (Real Madrid) via scouting software.

The key words “elemental force”, “sideways puller”, “goal hunger”, “identification potential” are entered, the program names: Sascha Mölders.

He wins the hearts of BVB fans with a first announcement in the direction of the second division Schalke: "Third division next season, Spackos!"

September

After the omega wave has swept across the world and the Greek alphabet has been used up, further virus mutations are named after Olympic track cycling disciplines.

By the end of the year, Keirin, Madison, Omnium and Scratch will have their turn.

Third division team 1860 Munich signed Peter Hyballa.

After his debut speech (“You have to be German lions and not Jordanian camels”), investor Hasan Ismaik dismisses him.

Markus Anfang, a former soccer coach, is happy to no longer be dependent on the whims of a club.

He has set up a successful online shop: he sells driver's licenses, high school diplomas, health certificates and sick leave.

He also sells carnival costumes.

October

FIFA has announced a rule change for the upcoming soccer World Cup: a game move cannot last longer than a TikTok video.

UEFA President Aleksander Ceferin is making a move: The FIFA World Cup is to take place only once per decade: "This way, the World Cup title gains in importance, the fame for each player lasts longer." will.

The annual general meeting at FC Bayern ends in overthrow.

“I've let you do three years now”, Uli Hoeneß directs the floor to Herbert Hainer, “that's enough, I'll take over again.” Candidacy, Ullliii calls, 98 percent.

November

Sebastian Vettel ends his career with the fifth world title in Formula 1 - and that of Aston Martin as a car manufacturer. In the event of a Vettel triumph, the company has committed itself to becoming a bicycle manufacturer.

For the World Cup in Qatar, national coach Hansi Flick has to do without Leon Goretzka. Only vaccinated players are allowed, Goretzka is not. He wanted to be vaccinated several times, but every needle bounced off his biceps.

On ARD, Jessy Wellmer and Bastian Schweinsteiger will again be leading through the program. "Jessy is like a cousin to me," says the expert.

Due to the pandemic, all World Cup games must be played as ghost games.

To compensate - after all, eight stadiums were built - FIFA President Gianni Infantino is promising Qatar the World European Championships in 2027 and 2031. A new competition: a European Championship that will be held outside of Europe.

December

At the Darts World Cup in Ally Pally, the oldest German participant to date is at the start: Alfons Hormann, 62, former President of the DOSB. The late starter has discovered his talent in terms of accuracy when throwing ballpoint pens at employees.

The insolvent Hertha investor Lars Windhorst is spotted at the traditional Christmas dinner by singer Frank Zander for Berliners in need.

Dortmund legend Sascha Mölders becomes player-coach at 1860 Munich.

The World of Ghosts in Qatar finally makes Thomas Müller a world star. The Goethe-Instituts all over the world are registering record registrations for German courses. Everyone wants to understand what Müller says during a game.

Qatar and Germany reach the final.

Nagelsmann versus Flick.

After 90 minutes of spectacle, the score is 3: 3.

Renewal?

Gianni Infantino intervenes: “As a tribute to the good old days, we decide with a coin toss.

I'll take care of it. And the winner is ... Qatar! ”