How the 'like' killed "do you want to go out with me?"

A woman follows a man on Instagram, he likes a photo from August 2018, she posts a comment and a first instant message is sent. It is the beginning of a love relationship in the era of immediacy, far from that "do you want to go out with me?" of teenagers of the analog era. The social networks allow to emit signals under the protection of the screens. Several "likes" to old photographs and some comments on the Instagram account are the new codes to show that you are interested, whether you are 16 or 36 years old.

These maneuvers allow what Amparo Lasén Díaz, professor and researcher in sociology of the Complutense of Madrid, calls "saving the face". “These signals mean that we can act later with more certainty because there have already been concrete signs that there is interest. Although the fear of rejection always exists, it is a way to protect yourself, ”he explains.

In the same city, this man and this woman seek to make the first date after speaking more often. The applications come at a good time, when we have a pace of life where there is less time to meet, which seems an insurmountable obstacle, according to Mariana Palumbo, doctor of Social Sciences at the University of Buenos Aires and specialized in the search for affections through social networks. The expert explains that current communication techniques allow filtering and knowing almost everything about the profile of the suitor before meeting him. Even so, the researcher recognizes that this approach system leads to the loss of spontaneity. You can know everything about the other person before you really know him: who he goes out with, what he likes, his favorite restaurant, if he dances, if he has a dog or if he spends a lot of time with his family.

Once the first date has turned out to be a success, the game stage arrives. The pulse of who writes first, who answers the messages faster, the fear that the other will stop showing signs of life ... are the strategies that demonstrate the principle of insecurities and demands. These are the new signs that seem to define if one is still interested, who dominates with his silence and who does not. It's like a contest to see who falls in love first. Lasén Díaz understands that fears are born by not receiving a response or by noticing that he speaks less. “But it is a big mistake to measure the intensity of love with that of communication. It's all about the communicative hierarchy with unwritten rules, ”he says.

The researcher insists that things follow the same traditions as before but with new codes. Actually, the applications do nothing but take out the problems that already exist. "Another thing is that you find out about things through applications or that they multiply your anxiety," he says. Palumbo says exactly the same thing: what you have to question are the traditional romantic scripts, of the man courting the woman. As warned, the mobile makes one have too much information that can not handle.

The man and the woman have already met several times and decide to commit, to be a couple. Leora Trub, a professor of psychology at Pace University in New York and a researcher on the impact of instant messaging on the couple, has shown in a study published in Computers in Human Behavior that similarities in the exchange of messages are closely linked to a daily satisfaction in the relationship. "Everyone has different perceptions and daily needs, so it is crucial to establish communication routines in common," he begins. The expert reiterates that new technologies should not serve to solve problems but to verify things with the couple or tell you that you think about her. “There are always misunderstandings by social networks. We interpret too much and our relationship deteriorates. This trend in documenting everything is not good, ”he adds.

Lasén Díaz, on the other hand, explains that these problems that are born because of this information overload are due to the demand for transparency, to the fact that a couple has to tell them everything, always be connected and accessible. If not, it means that something is hidden. “We are more vigilant now. We are also used to being controlled. Quick response is expected and if you do not have it, it generates demand for explanation and conflicts, ”he details. The psychologist says that the mobile does not fix or spoil: "it is both a medicine and a poison," he concludes.

A study published in January also in Computers in Human Behavior magazine shows that applications such as Tinder increase the risk of infidelity, and break that commitment that had been achieved after months of play. The possibility of seducing at any time of the day, simply having connection increases the chances of meeting people and getting intimate quickly. From there, the paranoias begin and the vigilance increases. “He has a new follower on Instagram, who will he be?”, “He is connected at this time, who will he talk to?” Are some of the questions that are born along with anxiety.

Teens, a different picture but not so far away

Joris Van Ouytsel, a researcher in the Department of Communication Studies at the University of Antwerp (Belgium) and author of a 2019 study on the impact of sexting on teenagers, says that everything has changed with new communication techniques. The expert, specialized in adolescent behavior, does not believe that there is a loss of commitment in the new generations. “My studies show me that it is still very important for young people to find a partner. Of course, it is much more complex with all these new codes, ”he says. According to data collected by Van Ouytsel, 49% of teenagers have already consulted their partner's mobile, 25% look between 5 and 20 times the last connection of their suitor in the social network in just one hour and half have Your phone password as a sign of trust. "People confuse harassment with interest," warns the researcher.

The expert admits that social networks generate more jealousy, more doubts and more anxiety because one does not accept that his partner comes into contact with other people even if it means nothing. “Before we could not keep track of each other. Now we are too informed of what he does and generates too many questions and insecurities. At another time, opening a person's diary or their computer was violating their privacy, now it seems normal to gossip the mobile and their accounts. It is not seen in the same way. We are used to being watched, ”he explains.

The most important thing, according to him, is to respect privacy and know where the limits are, especially in adolescence. “For example, in the practice of sexting among teenagers, I have noticed that boys have a greater tendency to share photos and content on the networks. They don't know what consequences this has and the conflicts it generates, ”he says.