culture
on the agenda
My lost year
For whole nights I did not sleep from anxiety.
I'm shaking for fear of having to move to the street
The Corona has led Halit Ziv-Hadas-Pari, director of plays at the Cameri Theater, to severe financial distress, anxiety attacks, and most importantly to an almost complete loss of confidence in the country’s leadership.
A year for Corona, a special project
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Corona
The Cameri Theater
Sagi Ben Nun
Friday, December 25, 2020, 6:00 p.m.
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I have been conducting plays at the Cameri Theater for 17 years, throughout my best years, in which I have worked hard, with insane intensity, around the clock.
I am 50 years old, I have two sons, and in all their childhood I was more in the chamber than at home.
From a state where I gave my whole soul to the place with love and joy - I moved into a state of insane and inconceivable vacuum.
I went down from 200 to zero.
And the crisis is very big.
On the financial side it is very difficult, when I have to raise two children.
In advance my salary was ridiculous, because in the theater no money is made, so you can imagine how much of that is left over from the meager unemployment benefits.
It's nothing - NIS 6,500 a month, you will raise two children with it, and property tax payments, electricity, water, health insurance, etc.
No one has lowered prices because this is a difficult time.
I had to use food parcels, payments and other things that gave me an "order of eight for cultural workers" (an organization that helps artists in distress - SB). Once you live on a very low pension it affects everything, because you have to divide everything you receive between home payments, Fuel, things that the children need and it also affects the food I needed. The food packages they sent helped a lot. It deducted expenses from the current account. I admit I had a very hard time being in a place asking for help. They are just angels there. It's in a way that you do not feel you need and do not feel burdened when you ask for help.
Without the help of "Order Eight" I really do not know how I would have gone through it. Even knowing that there is someone there who thinks about you and cares - does something. "Not alone", which provides psychological assistance. I could not go to a psychologist without help, when I have no money for food at home. They begged me to go to a psychologist. Because it is really difficult for me mentally.
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"I had to resort to food packages."
Halit Ziv-Hadas-Pari, director of plays at the Cameri Theater (Photo: Reuven Castro)
I had crazy anxieties and fears.
I did not sleep for whole nights because of anxiety attacks.
Because of the fears I barely sleep 3 hours a night.
All this time I felt like I was walking on unsafe ground, on a rickety bridge, it's a terrible feeling.
And the most horrible feeling is that you do not know what will happen.
Lack of knowledge is the worst thing in the world.
If they decide to abolish unemployment tomorrow, what will I do?
Will the children and I live on the street?
It's a crippling fear.
Emotionally hard too because suddenly there is nothing.
It's hard for me not to have the piece.
The situation upsets me and instills fears in me: Will I return?
After 17 years of doing just that, at the age of 50 starting to find something new that will give you content and a decent livelihood - it's not easy.
And if I come back, why will I come back?
How will the theater return?
The damage that has already been done to the theater is insane.
I do not know how long it will take him to recover and how many people will find themselves fired.
And maybe after such a long time without a job I kind of forgot what I should do?
I found myself very edgy and nervous.
My kids were the most hurt by it.
I have to hold myself because I am a mother and an adult.
I can go to bed at night and cry or feel shit, but I have a responsibility to my kids.
And I see what fears and anxieties it brings them.
My difficulty came especially from seeing them.
My little son has been playing in the Cameri for three years.
He even managed to appear in the play "The Return" on the evening when the plays were stopped.
Uri told me today: "When I just approach the area of the Cameri - I die of longing."
Always the night before bed he says how hard it is for him to disconnect from the theater and the stage.
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"I didn't sleep for whole nights because of anxiety attacks."
Halit Ziv-Hadas-Pari (Photo: Reuven Castro)
I also had health issues, I had high blood pressure jumps.
I was constantly in ailments, in insane weakness.
I no longer knew if it was depression or something physical.
Difficulty getting out of bed and out of the house.
I felt insanely heavy.
I would force myself every day to get up and do things so as not to fall into my mind.
The anxiety attacks were insane.
And I just had a bad physical feeling.
This crisis has destroyed every good part.
As time went on I realized that our sector, not even talking about it.
It's a terrible thing to me that no one is talking about culture.
Within two or three months I realized we did not exist for them.
Outline to the government, and instead of finding us solutions, and there are creative solutions, the feeling is that you are not important to anyone.
From this feeling, that we do not exist, the bad feelings started for me.
I do not think the Prime Minister is interested in culture.
He is probably preoccupied with other things like his personal affairs.
And our Minister of Culture is a very charming guy but he sleeps standing up.
It is constantly said that the people of culture and theater are anarchists and leftists.
I keep the law and came from a right-wing house, I always voted for the right and Netanyahu until the last election campaign in which I voted for Gantz.
The feeling now is that no one cares about us, neither right nor left.
I will no longer vote for anyone, I no longer believe in anyone anymore.
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"I do not think the prime minister is interested in culture. He is probably preoccupied with other things like his personal affairs."
Halit Ziv-Hadas-Pari (Photo: Reuven Castro)
I can not only blame the government.
I saw how in talkbacks people look and talk about culture, and it hurt me more than the government's lack of reference.
There is something very problematic in a country that does not cherish its culture.
It should be understood that I am not alone.
Like me there are many other cultural figures, who are in daily existential anxiety about our present and future.
If it is not possible to get us back to work, for reasons I can respect, we need to find a solution that can keep us breathing and alive, as we do abroad.
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