Doctor explains which parenting mistake leads to children not learning self-love

Self-love means that we have a good and loving relationship with ourselves. The foundation for this is laid in childhood.

In recent years, a psychological phenomenon has come more and more into focus: the concept of self-love. People who accept themselves unconditionally have been proven to be happier, more successful and more resilient to crises. Ideally, we learn to develop a positive relationship with ourselves as a child. Parents have the responsibility to teach their offspring self-love and self-acceptance at an early age. But how does it actually work?

Practicing early: This is how children learn self-love

How well we can deal with challenges and crises later on depends largely on our early childhood. "The first few years are central to the development of mental resilience," says physician Miriam Prieß in an interview with Business Insider. The expert worked for eight years in a psychosomatic specialist clinic, where she was responsible for the areas of anxiety, depression and burnout.

In the parental home, we learn for the first time how relationships work and how we deal with other people. Clearly, their own parents serve as role models. If they create a loving atmosphere, spend a lot of time with their child and give him a feeling of safety and security, children also develop a positive view of themselves. "I need parents who are open to me and who don't have a clear idea of how I should be, but who empathize with me in order to find out who I am," Priess explains. Unfortunately, many parents make a crucial mistake in parenting.

Parents should treat © their child with appreciation and love IMAGO

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Parents need to teach their children: "As you are, you are good"

Children should not be pushed into a role that does not suit them at all. Nor should parental affection be conditional. An example of this would be that the child is only praised if he brings home good grades or is "well-behaved". The danger here is that children develop the need to always please others and make their self-worth dependent on the acceptance of their fellow human beings. This dangerous pattern can continue into adulthood. If children don't learn early enough that they are worthy of being loved, they will always seek outside recognition. In doing so, however, they make their happiness dependent on others.

This makes it all the more important that parents give their offspring love, affection and attention from an early age. "In order for us to be open to ourselves, to be compassionate towards ourselves and others, and to develop self-love, our parents need to show us: You are good the way you are. Not everything you do is good — but you, you are good," adds Miriam Prieß. So, children should learn that their unconditional value as a person is not dependent on specific achievements or actions. Of course, this does not mean letting children get away with everything and showering them with praise in every situation. However, parents should meet their offspring at eye level and be empathetic to their needs.

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That's why self-love is important from an early age

When children learn that they are only accepted under certain conditions, it has a negative impact on their self-esteem and their later relationships. Even in adulthood, they suffer from it and often have to seek therapeutic help. "Crisis situations often lead to me being confronted with the old feelings of powerlessness — and with the convictions associated with them: 'I can't fight it anyway, I can't do it, I'm not good enough,'" Miriam Priess describes. So old patterns are repeated in an endless loop.

On the other hand, those who learn from an early age to treat themselves and others with appreciation will not be upset by crises so quickly. Self-love means the deep certainty of being good enough and not being dependent on external recognition. At the same time, self-love strengthens one's own resilience – setbacks can be better absorbed. Children who know their worth will not hang their heads if they write a bad grade. They know that they need to learn more for the next school assignment and will prepare better next time. Parents should be loving and supportive of their offspring instead of reproaching them.

This article contains only general information on the respective health topic and is therefore not intended for self-diagnosis, treatment or medication. It is in no way a substitute for a visit to the doctor. Unfortunately, individual questions about clinical pictures may not be answered by our editors.