Also from pain we heal. What does the psychology of motherhood tell us?

During the last decade, clinical couple and individual psychology, as well as different instances of guidance for fathers and mothers of families, have told us about the existence of new recurring problems around the figure of the mother, ruptures in the vision of maternal models, as well as new ways of educating children, giving them affection and setting limits or values ​​for them.

Especially in the face of a socio-historical and psycho-emotional context immersed in a vertiginous change of dynamics, which may well further accentuate the sense of anguish and confusion among mothers.

Given this context, one of the great contributions of modern psychology as a tool for motherhood is not only to break with certain sociocultural myths about being a mother, but it has also come to shed light on diversity, evolution and human flexibility in this regard.

In this way, the different patients who have decided to work from the analysis of their emotions, beliefs and thoughts -regardless of how complex and painful they may be-, have also managed to measure that there is no single duty or path around being a mother.

For Guadalupe Esperanza García García, individual and group psychoanalyst, in her experience there is nothing close to the popular heritage that orbits around the idyllic maxim of "being a good mother" or that cries out to us because motherhood is, by force, a period of plenitude in which the woman must feel fulfilled and in which there will be no other state greater than happiness.

On the contrary, the professional García García frequently sees something recurrent, positive and vital, which did not exist at all in the past: a voluntary search for self-help despite the fact that the priority is the child, as well as the active participation of the couple masculine in its formation.

She also points out a strong symbiosis between mother and son that, although natural and understandable, would be worth disassociating for the sake of a much healthier relationship and independence.

“Almost always it is the mothers who request help for their children, they seek a better relationship with their children.

And it's not that the man doesn't care, even today there are fathers who are very committed to that, but many times they have another function within the couple.

And that function is to 'break', so to speak, the symbiosis that usually exists with the mother and say: 'look for the one that corresponds to you'.

That's important and moms have a hard time doing it, separating.

The mother thinks 'I had him, I took care of him', and even when there are men who assume it, the result is totally different.

They make an effort to do different things, more adventurous and not so much overprotective, and the mother does tend to do so,

the new maternity

Sociopolitical, economic and even technological circumstances often influence the way in which motherhood is raised and perceived.

For our specialist with more than 20 years of experience in unorthodox psychoanalysis, since women began to work much more actively in society, there has been a kind of historical guilt for abandoning children, for repressing them or correcting certain behaviors .

“Am I doing the role well or not? At what point am I a mom?

That is a burden imposed by society, that of being a mom and being good, having quality time and above all spending more time than dad.

Dad can see it much more individually, but mom can't.

And that burden increases if the child presents certain problems that are even normal in adolescence”, points out the psychotherapist specialized in adolescents.

According to recent studies (Davies, 2015), the birth of a baby is an event also associated with high morbidity derived from common mental health disorders such as depression or anxiety disorders, and even serious mental disorders such as postpartum psychosis , present in one in five women during the period from pregnancy to the first year after childbirth.

However, the understandable doubts and anxieties around motherhood contrast with the current desire to have a child, on the part of many psychotherapy patients.

Guadalupe García explains to us: “There is a part that is changing.

With adolescents I see a desire to be parents, to take care, they even do it with younger siblings when mothers remarry;

They arouse tenderness and I see that men want to enter her more.

But the issue is also that as women we give the other a chance to enter and leave that part of 'being a good mother', which does not necessarily have to do with being with the child all the time or giving him everything, much less loving him ideally.

“Adolescents still wonder what will happen next, but they leave it as a question mark.

The girls question more than before what they want from their lives, how much more they could do to be happier, traveling, what do I know, and not so much working, getting a house, paying rent for a long time.

And that sometimes prevents them from seeing themselves as a mom.

70% of the consultation I have from adolescents do not know if they want to or not.

And yes, there are those who say no, but not because of a fear of fatherhood but because of the state of the world, because the situation is complicated, because there is uncertainty, etc. ”, emphasizes the specialist.

With love, limits and teamwork

Despite the fact that to date there are many theories and visions, testimonies and even experiences about how to be a mother in the contemporary environment, the truth is that each mother is different, how diverse and complex children can be, their contexts, problematic, desires and ways of facing the world.

The recurring place, although no less true, tells us that there is no manual or way to be a good mother.

However, for Guadalupe García, who from her way of working with patients believes that there is a subconscious that is constantly influencing the individual's problems and it is important that it comes to light so as not to repeat these behaviors, and in the event that if it is known where they come from and why, the important thing is that there is a balance.

“That we can love and respect, that they respect us as mothers and fathers too, without imposing obedience, to be able to have the opportunity for things to be transmitted in another way, that the children can question them, even know where we stand as mothers.

Because sometimes it is the fathers and mothers who look like the children and they, on occasion, enter into this game of maturity/immaturity where they look better on their own.

It would be a good idea if they could have a balance between affection, limits, what can be done, that we do not force them to do things that they may not want to do and that we can provide spaces for understanding but do not forget that this too it is difficult”, emphasizes the psychologist.