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Having delicate conversations well is an art - but one that can be learned
Illustration: Lennart Gäbel for Harvard Business Manager
Jeffrey, CEO of a hedge fund, was annoyed.
This was due to the bad deals his portfolio manager Tom had made.
The CEO called Tom into his office.
"Those degrees were terrible! What were you thinking?" Jeffrey Tom asked angrily.
(The case is real, the names changed.)
Peter Bregman Right Arrow
is CEO of the consulting firm Bregman Partners.
He is the author of the bestseller "18 Minutes" (Grand Central Publishing 2012) and "Leading with Emotional Courage" (Wiley 2018).
After that, the conversation turned out to be increasingly unpleasant.
In fact, it would have been really difficult to turn the conversation around after that opening.
Why is this an unfortunate start to the conversation?
Because the question "What were you thinking?"
relates to the past.
When Tom replies and explains the reasons for his behavior, he inevitably underscores his mistake.
He is also on the defensive because his misjudgment is the cause of the poor results.
It does not take into account that he could of course have changed his assessment in the meantime - and presumably has also changed.
Let's go over it one more time: Tom will explain why he closed the deal in response to Jeffrey's question, and Jeffrey will complain about Tom's poor judgment.
By the end of the conversation, both Tom and Jeffrey will be frustrated and discouraged (which, in that case, was not only predictable, but actually happened as well).
Ask about the future
So what could Jeffrey have done differently?
It would have been far better if he hadn't talked about the past but asked Tom about his future behavior.
For example: "What will you do differently next time?"
This enables Tom to admit his mistakes and at the same time prove his learning progress.
This will increase both confidence in Tom's abilities.
In addition, Jeffrey gets the chance to show Tom other, equally non-purposeful thought patterns.
And in a way that could actually help Tom make more successful decisions in the future - instead of just feeling bad like now.
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Forward-looking questions are faster and more reliable: Instead of rethinking your mistake and then (hopefully) applying what you have learned to a future situation, you are directly involved in the implementation.
Accept feelings
Why don't we do this intuitively?
Because we do not take advantage of this possibility at the appropriate moment.
Instead, we feel anger.
We're also likely a little scared, frustrated, and upset.
And blurt out: "What were you thinking?"
We do this to make us feel better.
We ask this angry question because our emotional burden is just too great.
We are overwhelmed and crank out.
But that's neither good leadership nor good communication: because when we lead and communicate, we do it to help others improve their performance.
And that means we have to learn to accept our less positive feelings.
This is the only way to ensure that they do not overwhelm us.
Make an impact
Emotional courage is the willingness to tolerate all of your own feelings.
Don't worry, you can learn that.
As a result, your ability to lead effectively, achieve good business results, communicate in an inspiring way, and ultimately make what you want to make a difference will increase.
It is one thing to know how to communicate in a way that inspires others and makes them do their best.
However, it is another to do so in the heat of the moment.
Then when feelings threaten to get the better of you.
Behave right
Be suspicious of your unfiltered responses when you are emotionally troubled.
Take a short break and take a deep breath before speaking or acting.
Ask yourself what result you want to get with the next step.
In other words: what do you want to achieve with what you say?
Make sure your answer is really accurate.
If it is that you want the other person to feel bad, ask yourself why.
What do you hope for from the bad feeling of your counterpart?
In case you are hoping that this will help him or her make better decisions next time, this is the real outcome you are aiming for.
(You may think guilt will help you achieve this, but you are wrong.)
Decide what you want to do or say so that the outcome you are trying to achieve will occur with a fairly certain degree of certainty.
You will find that it is mostly conversations about the future that bring you closer to your desired outcome.
And not those who are concerned with the past.
As a manager, if you are dissatisfied with the performance of an employee, pause for a moment.
Think about what the result you want looks like.
Only then do you ask how your counterpart wants to proceed in the future.
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What if you are Tom?
If you made a mistake and your boss asks you, "What were you thinking?"
Then - as already mentioned - it will not be easy to bring the conversation to a good end.
However, it's not completely impossible.
And even though your boss asks you about something in the past, it is up to you to pause for a moment and consider what outcome of the conversation you would like.
It is best to ignore the question your manager asked and answer a different one instead: the one about your future behavior.
You could then say something like: "What did I think? Obviously not the right thing. But here is what I would do differently next time ..."
© HBP 2020
This article first appeared in the February 2020 issue of Harvard Business manager.
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