Every Friday for eighteen years, Philippe, a 63-year-old retiree, is delighted to be reunited with his companion for a weekend.
Blame it on a long distance relationship?
A demanding job?
Not really, since only 21 kilometers separate them.
Like 1.8 million French people, according to a survey by Ined and Insee published in May 2019 (1), the two lovebirds belong to the very private circle of non-cohabiting couples.
Nicknamed the LAT -
Living apart together (together but separated, Editor's note)
- in Anglo-Saxon countries, these people love each other but do not wish to have a common mailbox.
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As marginal as it is, this new way of cooing is progressing slowly, notes Arnaud Régnier-Loilier, sociologist in charge of this study on individual and marital journeys.
"It's more common than before, because we separate earlier and we get back together more often," observes the researcher.
Simone de Beauvoir and Jean-Paul Sartre, Jacques Dutronc and Françoise Hardy, Évelyne Bouix and Pierre Arditi, Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter were its precursors.
According to an INSEE study published on Monday 13 February, the proportion of young people living with a partner has been halved since the 1970s. In 1975, 54% of women aged 20 to 24 and 32% of young men lived married.
In 2019, these figures fall back to 25% and 14%.
If non-cohabitation unsurprisingly seduces those under 30 and first relationships, it comes back like a boomerang from the age of 45, most of the time after a separation, specified INED and INSEE in their previous report.
For example, after eight years, 15% of partners aged 30 to 44 do not live together, compared to 35% for relationships that began between 45 and 65.
Far from the roof, close to the heart?
We take stock.
A tailor-made love life
Sandrine, 52 years old, carer, has a cute sin.
She devours books in the evening, “sometimes until one in the morning”.
The next day, before getting out of bed, she prolongs this pleasure and resumes her reading for a quarter of an hour.
“It bothered my ex-husband,” she recalls.
After two difficult separations, including a divorce, Sandrine now refuses to constrain herself with her new partner.
"We no longer share the ordinary," she says.
Reciprocal feeling for Philippe: "My partner finds that I snore a little loudly at night, thanks to our system, she is not obliged to put up with this every evening but only on weekends".
Read also“Sleep divorce”: having a separate bedroom, the ultimate key to better sleep?
In addition to getting away from bad habits, the general idea touted by these non-cohabitants is to focus on the moment shared 100%.
"We try to fulfill our household chores each on our side to leave room for the sole pleasure of seeing each other," says Philippe.
Forget the disputes over an orphan sock, an unfilled toothpaste or an overflowing trash can.
And to be emotionally present, an interior cleaning is also essential.
"Last night, for example, my boyfriend canceled because he was tired from work, I didn't blame him because I don't want him to bring all this pressure home," says Sandrine.
After a separation, we find ourselves emotionally locked
Élodie Cingal, psychologist and specialist in separations.
The fear of romantic failure
Because often, putting everything in common would amount for some to killing the love story, a second time.
"My relationship with my ex-wife has worn out over time and our sexual relations have gradually become rare," says Philippe.
She ended up falling in love with someone else and left me.
This fear of recidivism and sentimental failure is found in most non-cohabiting couples over 45, as sociologist Arnaud Régnier-Loilier reveals.
"At the time of rediscovering love, we find ourselves emotionally locked and it can be difficult for the person to commit", analyzes Élodie Cingal, psychologist and specialist in separations.
The walls of the accommodation then become a safety belt, even a spare wheel for couples in bad shape.
After moving in together twice and breaking up several times over the past ten years, Sabrina, a 49-year-old communicator, runs into her ex at a party.
"Before being sure to rebuild something, we promised to protect ourselves by living each in his apartment," she says.
Sometimes this testing period leads to a move.
"I hope to live with my lover in the next two to three years," Sabrina dreams.
For others, it's about putting an end to the marital past and embracing a new way of life.
“After his divorce, my spouse wanted to live with another woman, it ended in failure and since then he has been vaccinated,” reports Stéphanie, 49, manager.
“Whatever the reason for the separation, a break in identity occurs, notes the psychologist.
Instead of focusing on the positive, we will look at the negative and do everything to not reproduce anything anymore.
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Protect children first
More than the marital liabilities, it is the presence of children which would especially slow down the installation under the same roof, according to the sociologist Arnaud Régnier-Loilier.
According to the INED study, the probability of each living at home after two years of relationship reaches 47% if the two partners are already parents, compared to 19% when there are no offspring.
Especially among mothers who often benefit from custody after a separation.
“I find it difficult for a third party to educate my children, admits Sandrine.
I swore to myself that I would not live with anyone until they were independent.
“It is a question of saving oneself from possible conflicts linked to a new marital configuration”, translates Arnaud Régnier-Loilier.
In her office, psychologist Élodie Cingal is also confronted with the dismay of fathers, who find it difficult to "mourn the family": "They see their children so little that they do not want to bring in an external element to put jeopardize their relationship.
In the best of cases, this situation of non-cohabitation allows the parent to enjoy unique moments with their children.
“Since my spouse and his sons have been living elsewhere, I have recovered my intimacy with my daughters, smiles Sabrina.
We work as a real trio where each watches over the other.
A healthy freedom
And once the little ones have left the nest, a wind of freedom blows through the lives of these parents.
“Without a new child project, cohabitation no longer becomes necessary, our past experience shows society that we knew how to do it,” explains Arnaud Régnier-Loilier.
From then on, these couples relieve themselves of social pressure with immense relief.
After twenty-six years of marriage, Véronique, 53, leaves husband, job and children to rebuild herself in another city: “I was in turn the companion, the mother and even the mistress of a dog, without ever think of me.
Today, I am experimenting with a long-distance relationship with my childhood sweetheart and I sleep like a star in my bed… In short, I no longer feel guilty: I am becoming selfish!”
“We spent so much time rebuilding ourselves that if we go back to living as a couple,
We must always ask ourselves if this non-cohabitation is a "co-decision"
Élodie Cingal, psychologist and specialist in separations.
Stay tuned to partner's feelings
However, everyone admits that the path to non-cohabitation can be strewn with pitfalls.
“Even if I like my autonomy, some evenings I am overtaken by reality and I want a hug.
Not necessarily sex but just a hug”, confesses Véronique.
Sabrina, meanwhile, admits to being overwhelmed with concern: “When the other does not answer at home, you become paranoid and you make films.
Especially when there is a history of infidelity in the couple.
Who says separate keyring, also says separate charges.
Rent, mortgage, train ticket, fuel costs… This way of life has a cost, which is not within the reach of all budgets.
"It's a financial constraint that I'm ready to accept for the benefit of my happiness," says Sandrine.
According to the conclusions of INED's work, people from modest backgrounds, with less qualifications and with lower incomes, move in more easily.
But the difference is not only played out on socio-economic factors but also on cultural ones.
"The less qualified people have a more traditional conception of the couple than the most qualified, who are more open to new forms of conjugal life such as the PACS and now non-cohabitation", notes the sociologist Arnaud Régnier-Loilier.
“In any case, you must always ask yourself if this non-cohabitation is a “co-decision” or if it is the partner who imposes his will on us”, advises psychologist Élodie Cingal.
Aware that she has driven this situation, Sandrine regularly inquires about her husband's state of mind.
"It may seem silly but every two to three months, I ask him the question," she laughs.
Before wondering: “Would our love story be as beautiful if we lived together?”
And to answer: "I do not believe".
(1) The Épic survey was set up by INED and INSEE in 2013-2014 in metropolitan France among 7,825 women and men aged 26 to 65 living in ordinary housing (outside institutions)