A few weeks ago, the images of the former Celtics player Delonte West, in social distress and arrested on the streets of Washington when he seemed in a daze, went around the world. The former teammate of LeBron James is unfortunately not the only athlete in the prestigious North American League to have very serious mental problems once the spotlights are off.
Ben Gordon, NBA player between 2004 and 2015 with a remarkable stint at the Chicago Bulls, franchise with which he shot at 21.4 points per game in 2006-2007, is one of those stars who got lost after having ranked the sneakers. The Briton has chosen to tell his descent into hell and his destructive madness in a text published on The players Tribune , a platform on which athletes from different sports speak directly.
Suicide and a sudden glimmer of hope
In this text, entitled "Where is my mind" in reference to the planetary tube of the Pixies transcribed by the site basketsession.com, the rear now 36 years old, reveals how he tried to end his life. The temptation to commit suicide had become an obsession. "I was only thinking about that," he admits. “I took one of the heavy, thick ropes and tied it around my neck. I took a chair. And I hung myself, for real. [...] I could feel the blood vessels on the verge of exploding in my head, "he says before explaining having suddenly pulled himself together, crossed by a flash of lucidity.
“I was there on the field with Kobe Bryant or Tony Allen defending on me. Do you have any idea how difficult it would be to start a shoot against your guys when you are 1.85m tall? ”
Ben Gordon returns to the reasons for this fall, to the pressure that weighed on his shoulders for years and the fixation on his waist (1.86 m) which could handicap him at the highest level. To overcome this disadvantage, he had to redouble his physical and mental efforts: “I was there on the field with Kobe Bryant or Tony Allen who defended on me. Do you have any idea how difficult it would be to start a shoot against your guys when you are 1.85m tall? You have to have incredible, methodical focus and obsession. ”
This demand and this obsession with performance disappeared overnight with devastating brutality, according to him. "When you live with this mentality for almost 30 years and suddenly find yourself at the end of your career, without playing a minute, with all this anger, this pain, this fear and these regrets that you have integrated and compartmentalized throughout your fucking life, what can happen? Go see a shrink? I was the typical black man. My problems are my problems and they are not anyone's. I manage this mess, "he admits.
"It was terrifying. I remember begging them not to hurt me and I really believed that all this happened without reason and that it was a misunderstanding ”
Further on, the former star of the parquet floors details the different stages which made him switch to madness, his fixette for the temperature indicated by a thermostat in his home and which he associated with the age of his death, his troubles bipolar and its hallucinations. "I thought it might be God speaking to me and trying to tell me something," he says. His psychiatric condition will push him to set off fire alarms, which will result in several arrests. "It was terrifying. I remember begging them not to hurt me and I really believed that all this happened without reason and that it was a misunderstanding, "he continues.
The passage in mental hospital and the beginning of the cure
Ben Gordon was committed to a mental hospital. Today, he is doing better, thanks to the support of a specialist. He just hopes that his message can be used by other people, be they former athletes or not, to break the deadlock by encouraging them to ask for help. "Yes, I have gone mad. But it was only a moment. I was helped. I got to know myself and there are still traumas that I am not ready to tell. But for me, it's a start. I hope this helps someone. If this story speaks to you, don't do what I did. Get help. You are not crazy. You are not damaged. Just human, like the rest of us. ”
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