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Doubts of the quarantine by coronavirus 7:47
(CNN) - Writing this was difficult.
Practically speaking, I feel overwhelmed. I'm late for work because I kept my son on the runny nose, but otherwise seemed fine, at home away from school for a few days so as not to worry his teachers.
My online shopping cart has been subject to a large number of orders and reviews. Do we need more toilet paper? Canned tuna? How much is prudent? How much is hoarding or even ethical?
I have also deeply immersed myself in the world of disinfectant on the Internet. And I'm still empty-handed. Then there is the extra laundry to wash, extra food preparation and a firm commitment to making sure everyone gets to sleep on time to keep their immune systems going.
All this, and the question we have all asked so many times that we can hardly recognize the words anymore: Did you wash your hands? Did you wash your hands? Did you wash your hands?
Emotionally, I am adrift. I am concerned that my friends and family will catch COVID-19. I am concerned that schools are closing. I am concerned that schools will not close.
Like many mothers, I am the person in my marriage with a flexible job, which means that all the upsets in the schedule I have to manage and that they do not pay me the days of incapacity.
In addition to this, I spent two full days of work reading everything I could find about the virus: research for this article. Like many, I went from being cautious to nervous to panicking at breakneck speed. The more you know ... I saw heartbreaking photos of Italian hospitals. I saw charts that illustrate America's lack of preparedness. Tom Hanks. NBA.
This is fatherhood in the times of the coronavirus.
It is demanding, emotional, and to think that I felt overwhelmed last month. For me and for many others, managing the virus threat is adding a significant new dose of domestic and emotional work to our lives. If you are the mother of the family, most of this work is probably falling in your lap.
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Manage feelings and anxiety
The act of raising, or raising well at least, requires some initial anxiety.
“Part of becoming a parent is about being hyper vigilant in the face of possible threats. You become a threat detection machine, ”said Darby Saxbe, associate professor of psychology and director of the Center for the Changing Family at the University of Southern California.
What makes the coronavirus anxiety so much worse than the anxiety of my toddler running to the cars is its potential to disrupt our daily routines combined with deeper uncertainty about how it will develop.
How long will our children be out of school? How will we do our work? And this applies to both parents with paid employment and those who stay at home. To manage children and a house is to work.
Logistical anxieties are much more severe for the millions of parents who also care for an aging parent or who do not have access to paid sick leave. In normal times, this includes a quarter of private sector workers and 70% of low-wage workers, according to the National Association for Women and Families of the United States.
From there, it is easy to refer to larger, more existential questions. How many people will die? Furthermore, pandemics are stress tests for societies. It will happen?
Taking our parental instincts hostage
"We wouldn't have a species if we didn't have these mechanisms to respond to our children," said Saxbe. "But these global problems can take these systems hostage for being protective parents."
Yael Krieger is the mother of three young children in Berkeley, California. Prone to anxiety, she is now in a constant battle with the worst possible scenarios that keep popping up in her head.
At the center of his anxiety are all the unknowns, which are difficult to reason. For one, our understanding of the disease and how it works is extremely limited, and there are new findings every day. Furthermore, he feels that the United States Government has given him very little reason to have faith in his ability to handle the outbreak.
"There is a lot of cognitive frustration. Why is our government not doing more? Why haven't they been testing? And how am I supposed to take care of my children properly, knowing that the people who are supposed to take care of the country are not doing their jobs properly? ”Krieger said.
Saxbe suggests that parents try to take a break from the news and put their family's risk in perspective. She knows it will be difficult. (It is.) We have to try it anyway.
"In a terrifying world, it is important for parents to protect their mental health, because children can be traumatized by parental anxiety," he said.
READ : Coronavirus March 16: Coronavirus deaths exceed 6,000 worldwide
A sense of order in the midst of chaos
While all children are nervous to some degree, those whose schools are canceled are probably more restless. Children thrive on stability and routine. When it disappears, it's up to the parents to model how to deal with it, Saxbe said.
To survive, we all need to commit to a certain sense of order and, at the same time, give in to chaos.
Parents do whatever they need to do to reduce their stress levels, whether they are having time alone or exercising. Maybe they'll ease their television and video game policy or accept the power of candy as a bribe to help their children comply. Create a structure that you can realistically commit to and on most days achieve it and most importantly make sure you enjoy some parts of it.
Yehuda Kurtzer has three children, two of whom have missed school due to the coronavirus, and one of whom is in quarantine for possible exposure. She is part of a couple they both work based in Riverdale, New York, and tends to travel a lot for work.
Working from home with your children has been a bit crazy, as you might expect. But she manages to ease some of the attendant anxiety by finding ways to live that “1950s” life that is impossible for her family in normal times.
"We've been doing a lot of laundry, and we've made sitting and eating normal meals together a high priority," said Kurtzer. "We want to instill a sense of hygiene in our home and a sense of community. Both things feel important. ”
We are together in this
Whether children are in or out of school, the threat of coronavirus has made managing family life a much bigger job. Interestingly, moms are taking on more of this emotional and domestic work.
Eve Rodsky, author of "Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution When You Have a Lot to Do (and More Life to Live)," said research shows that most disruptions to daily life are handled by mothers, even when both parents work.
“We treat women's time as infinity, as sand. And we treat men's time as finite, as a diamond, "said Rodsky. As a result, women care when they have to, and men care when they can.
In addition to this, women are more likely to do what experts call "worry work," Rodsky explained. Moms are more likely than fathers to anticipate family needs and plan ahead for the worst possible scenario. (Listen carefully, and you can hear the buzz of "what's next?" In a constant loop in the head of most mothers.)
In my case, my deep familiarity with the Target.com shopping cart and Reddit posts on hand sanitizer last week.
Erin Vey, a mother of two who works full-time in the suburbs outside of Seattle, said the closure of local schools has served as a wake-up call for many families about how much more mothers care for children and administration domestic than parents, even when both have full-time paid jobs.
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“Many mothers are the most affected by school communication work and management [which has established remote learning]. There are maybe five an hour, "said Vey.
"There is also a lot of logistics in terms of purchases," he said, as many essential items, including toilet paper, are out of stock at local stores. "This all ends as the responsibility of women."
Women take on more 'emotional work'
Some men Vey knows have responded to everyone's situation at home by demanding their personal space and time, and one went on to establish an office in the main bathroom with the door closed while his employed wife and children stayed away.
"If that doesn't say 'mom is doing it all,' then I don't know what does," Vey said.
But many others, like her husband, are considering the imbalance in their homes and are trying to change it. Before the coronavirus, Vey's husband hadn't paid much attention to emails from his daughter's schools. Why bother? His wife would take care of that.
Now, they are teaming up, dividing work days and house management as much as possible, and that is making life much better.
If there is something positive in all this, or at least one lesson that we might want to teach our children, it is this. In our cities, our workplaces, our classrooms, and our homes, we are forced to realize that life works best when we can depend on each other.
Parents: When you tell your children to wash their hands, don't just say that they need to do it to stay healthy or keep the family healthy.
Tell them that they need to wash their hands to keep everyone healthy and explain why. So maybe they'll leave a note for an elderly neighbor asking if he needs any help.
Germs, like love and care, move among us. Being aware of the former is a way of sharing the latter.
Elissa Strauss writes about the politics and culture of parenthood.
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