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Editor's Note: Sara Stewart is a film and culture writer, dividing her time between New York City and western Pennsylvania in the United States. The opinions expressed here are his alone. See more opinion pieces at CNNe.com/opinion.
(CNN) - Recently, sitting on the couch during a Zoom happy hour, I felt a sudden tightness in my chest. I knew it was not a symptom of coronavirus, it was simply social anxiety. It has been affecting me towards the end of the day, during our closure due to the pandemic. Just when it was time to socialize online.
In any form, I should be and, above all, I am grateful for my life. So far, my husband and I are healthy, we both enjoy each other's company and, as teachers and freelance writers, respectively, we are used to working together from home.
I am a true introvert. For the past six years that I spent working as a writer from home, I never forgot my routine. But still, my adjustment to life in the midst of a pandemic has been turbulent and a source of anxiety. The reasons contradict conversations on social networks and internet memes, which suggest that our confinement is a forced conversion towards an introverted way of life.
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That's largely because, in addition to the battles we face to keep ourselves sane and sane, the confinement of society popped my little peaceful bubble with a tide of more outgoing friends and acquaintances, eager to keep in touch. . Calls, text messages and emails emerged where the "how are you taking it" became the new "how are you". Open questions are the downfall of the introvert's existence.
I'm comprehensive. We are living in a time when there are people all over the world who would give anything to be able to be with those they love: some are separated from the family in the hospital, others are isolated because they cannot travel and risk infecting others. With this virus, loneliness is an epidemic.
It makes perfect sense that we all want to communicate to make sure our people are well, physically and mentally, when the covid-19 seems to be getting closer. If a celebrity has it, if a friend of a friend has it, and if an old friend has it, when will it reach our families? I want to know that my friends and loved ones are safe. Embracing the community at a difficult time, surely, is one of the best and most universal qualities of humanity.
I also understand that even if they are lucky enough to be healthy and safe with their loved ones and in the same place, if they are one of those people who thrives on social connections, the current state of affairs and their own anxieties should be turning them on. crazy.
If they are desperate to talk to someone who is not from their immediate family, the idea of looking for friends or distant relatives could be a generous and entertaining gesture, a way to kill two birds with one stone by generating that others know are thinking about them. and ease their loneliness.
However, even in these unprecedented times, I think it's okay for the calmest people to remain who we always were.
I suspect that I am not the only one who is afraid of those conversations to catch up with a friend or family member I have not spoken to in years.
Our responses risk becoming routine: Yes, I'm fine, but I can't stop watching the news; this is my new hobby; these are the chapters i have been watching; my partner, roommate, pet or my son is driving me crazy. It may seem rude to refuse to answer these questions over and over, but there are limits. Actual limits. Anthropologically defined limits.
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In the 1990s, a term for the limits of social connection abilities was coined: the Dunbar number accounts for the number of people with whom a person can generally have permanent relationships. They are concentric circles of numbers: 150, the largest, for the group of casual friends and acquaintances. Then there is 50, which are close friends. Then comes 15, who are very close friends, and five are loved ones.
For many of us, I suspect 15 is the number right now. It is the network of friends with whom we keep in touch daily or almost daily.
Personally, I have two groups that work all day, every day. They are not people that I necessarily see all the time, but each conversation, that has been generated for years, keeps us trapped. Lately, our chats are affected by concern about the coronavirus, but we also resort to calming jokes, telling details about our personal lives and all kinds of gossip.
If you are one of those people who thrives on deep connections with few people, rather than the constant stimuli of interactions with a broader range of people, this type of socialization is a precious gift. It is also compatible with the request to stay home.
Introverts have enjoyed a heyday in recent years, and social scientists increasingly recognize that while some people can't spend enough time with large social groups, others find that experience a mixed bag: first they find it intimidating, for generally somewhat rewarding and ultimately exhausting. Both have been found to have important and complementary qualities that contribute to our world.
But the notion that introverts already have the job done when they send us all to stay in our homes is a mistake. Our home life, which was traditionally a refuge to rest and recharge social batteries, suddenly requires that everything happens at once.
So I think now is a good time to consider making some ground rules on how to interact in quarantine. If you have a quieter friend or relative, consider this before picking up the phone or pressing the FaceTime button. And introverts, in turn, will happily try to keep the end of our conversation going.
- Avoid overly general questions. "How are you doing?" It is not a question that can be answered easily or in an interesting way. Better to start with: "What are you going to prepare for dinner?" Or, "How long did you wait today to open the wine?"
- Avoid bombarding others with text messages when you go to sleep, unless the recipient is a close friend who we know is good night communication. The beginning of the night is not a good time to rekindle the bond with an acquaintance.
- If you're going to communicate and text someone you do n't usually talk to, do it for a short time .
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- Don't push people to stay longer in a virtual meeting they no longer want to be in. Some of us are fatigued by Zoom much sooner than others, so if a friend starts wanting to escape, just wish him well. That will make them more likely to want to communicate again.
Remember, we are all in this. Even if some of us introverts don't want to spend that much time together.