The neighbor's lawn
It surprises me to discover, time after time, how fragile a positive self-feeling is.
It's enough for me to receive a mobile phone push from a news site and read that she's going to lead a new project that I'd like to lead myself - to feel that maybe I'm not successful enough.
It's enough for me to open Instagram and read the post of the one who went on vacation with her friends and they take pictures hugging each other at some party - so that the question "Why don't my friends and I hang out like this?" starts popping into my head.
A few days ago I came across an article about a couple who bought and renovated a house with a large yard and a very green lawn (not only because it belongs to the neighbor) that is studded with fruit trees.
In the article, they are photographed hugging while the children run wild behind them in the garden, and then, inevitably, my thoughts tell me that maybe it's a shame that our balcony is so small.
You'll understand, I generally hate tending to the garden and I don't like living on the ground, and in general, as I've already mentioned, our small balcony is completely enough for me, and yet - at that moment their life seems to me more fun and better than mine.
Long live the fanatics
These comparisons are not at all a rational matter and are not even always based on the full picture of reality, because we only compare the parts that evoke an emotion in us: comfort or frustration, joy or envy.
I don't consider myself a particularly jealous woman, but there are people I envy.
I'm not ashamed of it.
Jealousy is a human trait, and we usually make comparisons to others automatically.
So when we were children we were told not to compare, and in the same breath they could say "Why can't you be a little more tidy, like your sister?"
They were taught not to be jealous of others, but they would also talk to each other and say: "Come on, did you see the neighbors' new car? Where did the money come from?!"
Warehouse in front of a shop window
Comparing the events of our lives, which we know from all sides, the pleasant ones and the less so, to the showcase presented by others in front of us, is a sure recipe for frustration and heartache.
Every time we engage in comparisons and set ourselves up for improvement against someone else's highlights, we will feel not good enough, not smart enough, or beautiful, or appreciated, and so on.
But sometimes it's just the opposite.
Sometimes the comparisons are actually a way of comforting ourselves, or a method of denying our need to make an effort and improve our ways.
A few years ago, a woman came to my clinic and told me that she has trouble falling asleep, and therefore suffers from headaches and weakness.
She asked what supplement or herb I could recommend to her.
I explained to her that there is no supplement or magic plant, that the basis is to change habits to improve the quality of sleep: give up the miracle in the evening and replace it with an herbal infusion, exercise several times a week to release energy from the body and practice breathing before bed.
I felt how she was frightened.
She thought that she had come to get a prescription and return to the familiar routine and that everything would work out without effort, and suddenly she discovered that it wasn't exactly like that.
The solution came very quickly: "Listen, but I'm still in a relatively good condition. I have two good friends who hardly fall asleep at all, you don't understand, they suffer much more than me. First they take care of themselves."
Do the friends who don't fall asleep ease the headache or the suffering of that woman's insomnia?
Are they really a valid reason to postpone the effort she needed to take care of herself properly?
Of course not, but in the inner world of that woman this comparison was reason enough not to change habits.
Downward comparison is a perfect excuse to not look at or acknowledge the parts of us that require inner work.
When we compare ourselves to models we consider successful, we are likely to feel inferior.
On the other hand, in relation to a person we consider less successful than us or less fortunate than us, most of us will feel comforted or even, hand on heart, occasionally filled with a sense of superiority or self-importance.
It's not me, it's my brain
So we agreed that comparing oneself to others is a method of operation of the human mind, and in some ways it is a form of social "wise" to understand relative progress.
Studies have indeed determined that this is an effective way to increase motivation, drive growth and progress, as long as comparisons are not made too frequently and with too much intensity.
When we compare downwards, recognizing that our skills are a notch above can boost self-esteem.
Comparisons can be harmful when they leave us with a chronic feeling of inferiority, that is, when we most of the time compare upwards, to someone who has achieved something we desire, or who was born into better living conditions than our own.
give me a like
In September 2021, a global storm arose, which, in my opinion, did not receive enough emphasis in Israel: according to an investigation by the "Wall Street Journal", studies that Facebook kept secret for years clearly demonstrated that teenagers reported that the main reason for increased levels of anxiety and depression from which many of them suffer , is the fact that they spend a lot of time on Instagram.
32 percent of teenage girls said that Instagram makes them feel worse about their bodies, even if they felt bad about it before.
About 13 percent of teenagers in the UK and six percent of Instagram users in the US have linked suicidal thoughts to the content they are exposed to on Instagram.
Social networks have brought the matter of comparison upwards to a pathological extreme: the influencers we follow are usually famous, rich people who match the model of beauty perfectly.
When we are overexposed on a daily basis to what influencers buy (or advertise), the gourmet restaurants they eat at and the luxury cars they drive in - our brains automatically devalue our lives.
This is what the brain knows how to do: collect data and place us relative to the other points in space.
Earning millions
This week someone wrote in response to a post I made about the cost of living as follows: "Paula, how dare you talk about the cost of living, you only work two hours a day and earn millions".
She probably watches the morning show, sees me for two hours, interviews guests in the studio, put on make-up and smiles, and from that she infers about all other areas of my life.
I felt like answering and explaining to her that I work more than 12 hours a day, and that hosting a show earns a decent living but is many zeros away from the millions she attributes to me.
But she didn't ask anything, and I highly doubt she has any interest in allowing reality to undermine her claims.
Because sometimes the reality of others is unbearable for us, and this does not mean that we are petty or unsupportive people, it means that we are human.
Unfollow in real life
It's no secret that I'm on social media, and even enjoy the sharing and the discussion that sometimes occurs there.
But if you check who I follow on Instagram, you'll find that most of the accounts that fill my feed are those who don't only show the glamorous highlights, but the exact opposite.
I prefer the one who uploads a picture when it's done at the end of the day and doesn't have the strength to tidy up the house, than the one who says that everything depends only on willpower, that you just have to want and believe and everything will work out.
"You can do everything" is a phrase that deeply disgusts me and harms women, but I will expand on that another time.
But this is true not only in the virtual world, this conclusion can also be applied in reality: it is allowed and even desirable sometimes to cut ties with people who are too successful for us, however nice they may be.
You don't have to keep trying to overcome and cope all the time, sometimes it's too hard.
in happiness and poverty
I once broke up with a couple of friends because they were too rich, and their lives made me jealous that I didn't even know existed in me.
It was when I was a student, more than 20 years ago.
I took two buses every morning to get to school.
I lived with my partner at the time in a small apartment and worked two jobs for a living.
I felt that my life was good, I liked the guys from the Faculty of Law, I enjoyed working as a waitress and I didn't even suffer from the bus rides, because after all, most of my classmates were in the same situation.
Lateral comparison, i.e. comparison with the peer group, often reinforces the feeling that my life is fine.
Beyond the peer group, we had a couple of very, very rich friends, or rather, whose parents were very rich.
We spent the weekends with them, and I thought there was no problem with that, because I'm not jealous and satisfied with my life.
But slowly it seeped in: every year they debated together with us about which new car they should buy and I would sit and debate with them about leather upholstery or other upholstery, and after a few hours I would punch the tab.
They, for their part, truly did not understand how I was able to work and study at the same time.
Sometimes they wanted us to go out to a restaurant, but our budget did not meet the cost of their entertainment.
Every time they would get upset that we couldn't join them on vacation abroad.
I slowly realized that even if they are cute and fun, this friendship is not healthy for me, but causes me frustration, a frustration I didn't feel until I was exposed to their padded lives.
It was hard, but we pulled away.
I also admit that I did not admit to them what the real reason for my distance was.
I'm not that brave, but it was necessary for my mental health.
Head for foxes or tail for lions?
Of course, one should not conclude from the above that we should surround ourselves only with people we perceive as less successful than us, God forbid.
What is important to understand is the degree of shallowness of the comparison we are making.
Our relationship with that Instagram model, even if we like her and her photos very much, is completely superficial.
On the other hand, real acquaintance and authentic conversation, even with people we perceive as more successful, will probably threaten your self-worth less, because you got to know them in depth, on the positive as well as on the negative, far beyond a plactic image on the social network.
Real human connection, beyond height, weight or balcony size, is the key to a healthy relationship.
Today, if I compare myself to someone who seems to me to be more successful or prettier or smarter automatically, I try to remind myself that there are lots of little details about her life that I probably don't know.
I'm still jealous of course, compare and sometimes even feel sorry for myself.
But that's perfectly fine.
It means I'm alive.
Comparison is a human trait, both upward and downward. And actually, the most complex comparison is the one between me and myself: the real me versus the ideal me.
Do this to me:
I would like to recommend two accounts on social networks, which will not make you compare upwards, but on the contrary, will help you feel that you are okay.
The first one on Instagram, by Rotem Kahani, a clinical psychologist by training, who talks about exactly all the emotions we are afraid of: jealousy, anxiety, shame, depression.
The second account is on Facebook: Barak Feldman songs.
He has beautiful songs about the small moments of life.
Poetry is genius, summarizing an experience in few words is a super talent.
Barak does it great.
Info@paulanatural.co.il
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